Well.
Hes gone
our last night was at my house.. my parents were out of town..
i had this magical idea that we could play Wii... or board games.. or go out to dinner and have a drink..
things NORMAL people do
but of course he is not normal
FAR from it
so he dabbled in his stuff a bit.. sat around.. I didnt push him because I was scared he would get irritable at me again
and then he suggested we ride downtown
My hopes flew
Maybe he did want to go do something!
Maybe he did want to go for a drink.. or dinner,,,
but as i was driving down there I could tell he was still uppity..
"I didnt know your neighborhood was ON the Savannah River.. That was the reason why I wanted to go downtown"
(even though i told him many times it was on the river)
He is good at having no plans.. just doing...
I get frustrated when I dont know what we are doing.. I need to know SOMEWHAT what to expect..
It ended up in him making me pull over, asking me WHY I was so F***ing stressed out and upset... That i MUST have had something I wanted to do that i wasnt telling him... in such a tone that hurttttt and i cried while he walked out
this was NOT my idea of our last night
I had kept my hopes to myself because I felt they were sillly.. I knew he wouldn't eat anyway and if I brought it up he would flip again, "You KNOW I am not going to eat anything"
He did come back for me
and so it continued... me being too scared to say anything because of his potential reaction
him going on and on about how i blow things out of proportion... get upset for stupid reasons.. cry too much.. and i asked him why he was still with me if i upset him this much, "Because for some reason I keep hoping that you will get it through your head that bapidfjao;jgoerjg"
I forgot what he said actually
i just remember HOW he said it and how he couldnt even look at me
but he doesnt understand that all my life growing up with Kyle-ALL of my idea were stupid and worthless.. that I was pretty much the same... and that I had seen that scorn before.. that anger with me.. the disgust...

Slowly I pushed it all away and was able to get back to normal.. I DID want a drink, but decided to wait until i got home (to which he got frustrated "I thought you WANTED to get a drink!"... "Yes, I do. But it makes no sense to go in, get a drink, and leave like that.. I'd rather wait til i get home where its free." ... "I don't understand you.")
and we went to the tattoo parlor to browse.. contemplate a new one.. he quickly got bored and we left to go back home..
the rest of the night was fine.. bordering on lovely

I still have teaching English in Thailand up in the air,,, as well as teaching in Indonesia...
and i dont know if the reason WHY i want to do those is because I DO want to run away from everything.. or because i ReaLLY do want to do it?
or both?
and then there is Teach For America which i have been contemplating..
and then.. Zoos?
who knows
and he left me today
saying hed see me in a couple weeks.. that we would visit each other until our futures became more clear..
not to factor him in when I look for a job.. thats the part that hurts me the most i guess
but he also claims that we arent breaking upl... that he isnt giving up on me... that i complete him...
which is so so hard to beleive sometimes
but i do still love him
He makes me feel deeper.. happiest ive ever been.. saddest ive ever been.. given more of myself to him.. invested a lot in him.. in us..

And i still have dreams
of going to concerts.. of being happy for long times.. to not be so self-conscious.. to be okay with myself in clothes.. to make people laugh.. to inspire..
but as far as my dreams? everyone says i need to follow them..
but how can i when my dream changes every day?