song for the moment..

cant stop listening to this one..

:(

I dont know how to ask for help
i dont know how to reach out to people
i dont know how to tell people that i am breaking and i need them with me

I called a couple people tonight.. ... hoping beyond hope that they would invite me wiht them.. or come to me.. to console me..
no takers.. no nothing..
just small talk
until we hung up

I need someone right now
i am broken
i am going downhill
i am going downhill fast

Its Kyke;s birthday tomorrow.
He would be 25 if he were alive right now. He died in January.
We ahd a HORrible relationship up until about a year into his cancer.
I never was able to cry very much
today
i cried
i cried enough for all of everyone put together
i fell apart
i hate how everything piles up
i hurt

i hate to say it
but i do
i need saving
i dream of someone coming to save me
but
nope
its not going to happen
nope

I look at all the freinds on my phone
wanting SOOOooo badly to connect with someone
to call someone
but
giving up
too much
i dont want to get shot down
i dont think i could go through that again.

so i lay here
alone
again
wine and tears and sleep

Trent :(

TRENT I MISS YOU!!!
YOU TAUGHT ME SOO MUCH!!!
we never got that coffee.. but I caNNOT listen to this song without thinking of you..

the song is also also
VERY inspirational.. fun... motivating.. makes me want to dance.. they have sOOOOO Much energy!
..the drummer drums AND sings!! And he sits his drums up front because hes tired of looking at the guitar players butts!


LET IT GO LET IT GO LET IT GO!! WHEN THE WORLD IS COMING DOWN ON Me.. I LET IT GOoooooooo!


..i only wish i COULD let it go!
everyting
I DONT LIKE THIS STUCK FEELING!
I DONT LIKE FEELING LIKE THERe IS NOTHING FOR ME
I want so much for things to be

worst feeling..

One of the worst feelings ever
is when you are out
around a table
with your "friends"
and you talk
talk
talk
and no one hears
no one acknowledges
and it only goes downhill
in my head
from there...

In case you are wondering who i am...

While drifting off, listening to staff training.. i thought about who i REALLY am..
Heres a small introduction
to who i am

enjoy!

I hate pants and tshirts but I love flowy dresses and skirts
I love big warm sweatshirts that aren’t mine
I like the smell and closeness of those I love
I like to wrap myself up in my comforter and hide from the world
I like to put life on screen saver
I walk up to random people on the street that intrigue me and befreind them
I like to practice restraints
I eat my cocoa and my coffee with a spoon
I love it when people hug me from behind.. wrap me up in their arms
I drizzle honey or parmesean cheese on my popcorn
I have troouble sharing my grapes
I have a teddy bear strapped in his seatbelt in the backseat of my car
I go to the ABC store or the wine aisle and run my hands down the bottles, feeling their smooth coolness
I have trouble buying myself food at restraunts but have no problem finishing off other peoplse meals
I text message people song lyrics and pick up lines to make them smile
I carry honey, bubbles, glitter, tootsie pops, parmesean cheese and mini animals in my purse
I love to be woken up by a kitty pawing my nose
I don’t drink beer, but I love my wine
If I find a frineds favorite food/snack/drink on sale, I buy it for them and deliver it with a smile
I need to feel wanted and loved, but don’t know how to get it
I don’t know how to ask for help when I need it
I am not good at inviting myself out with people
I start off following recipes, but end up throwing in my own bit of special ingredients
I put food coloring in my roomates milk
I cut out pictures and words from magazines and have a stockpile waiting for me to glue down on a collage
I will drink wine from any container that is available
I spend way too much time exploring and wandering around grocery stores
I go back for seconds when there are free samples I like
I like paint on my body
I like to take pictures from different perspectives-laying on the ground.. up in a tree.. from behind a fence
I have trouble inviting myslef out with friends when they go out and I know I need that companionship
I day dream too much with fantasies of things that will never happen
I set way too high of expectations and get bummed out when I don’t reach them
I prefer the moon to the sun
I get really ansy when I have free time and EVEN THOUGH I know I have things to do, I can’t motivate myself to do anyhting
I have dumpster dived before and found some amazing treasures
I get charged up and excited anytime I put on my gogo boots
I get a thrill when my food or drink is blue
I can’t stand watching people in pain-emotional or physical and will do anything in my power to put a smile on their face
I do goofy dances because it’s more fun to be free and fun than to worry about what others think
I am more usedt o being laughed at than laughing with others
I feel more of a “them” than part of an “us”
I push myself away from pleaces and people I love because things get too stable and constistant
I bring my own honey to restraunts when I don’t think they will offer it
I make plans and dream about trips I will never take
I wait too long for things that will never happen… for people that will never come
I get nercous and scared when I get too close to someone-emotionally or physically
I get so bored being in the shower I end up cutitng up my legs while I shave because all I am thinking about is getting out
I listen to my music so loud that it drowns out the rest of the world
I listen to anything from Kenny Chesney to Eminem to Nelly to STS9 to the Beatles to Jack Johnson to David Bowie to Modest Mouse
I dream of one day being serenaded.
I love listening to and being swept away when people play acoutsic guitar
I ride around with the sun roof down, windows down, music loud, sunglasses on, music cranked and singing along
I pee underneath peoples windows if its dark enough
I have trouble sitting through a movie unless someone is holding me close
I like my chocoalte chips frozen
I carry faceted prisms with me and use them as kaleidoscope.. watching as the world is splintered and spun in front of my eyes
I make some mean caramal corn, chocoalte covered bananas, random soups, brownies, double layer cakes… but I cannot make them without licking the bowl at the end
REISLING WINE! HOOKAH! BOUNCY BALLS! SPRINKLERS! FLASHING COLORS! SPLATTERED PAINT!

PANDORA!

I totally reccomend a website for EVERYONE

www.pandora.com

A-Mazing..
you pick a favorte song.. or artist... type it in..
AND
it will hook you up with song after song that is similar... along the same lines.. rhythm or vocal tones or guitar chords or whatnot...
I have found lots of songs
to suite my mood.

GO
GO NOW!
its fun :)

I'm readyyyyyyyyy

Nope
Nothiong
Sitting this one out
no one invites me anywhere :(
Everyone leaves at the end of the day...
sooo
i sit
and wait
curl up in my comforter
BUT IM READY!

tonight
i am sooo ready
got my game face on
ready for some wine
some fun
make new friends
go to a bar
get taken home
i really need something
someone
RawR
im ready
lets go
...
...
....
or not
..
....

nothings working
nothings right
I visited 2 apartments today and didnt feel welcome by the girls.women.people. that showed them to me
i dont feel that connection

yesterday i was able to hide all day..
i never moved from this couch outside here on the porch.. it is something i had NEVER done before..
Baxter, Mike and Molly and I just sat around.. talking.. signing Molly up for Facebook.. talking.. talking..
never before had i done that
never had i wanted it more
now its back to me
again
alone

seriously people..
i want to go home
whereever home is
i am sick of chasing poeple down.. of catering to people.. of buying for people..
just once.. I;d like someone to care for me.. to buy something for me.. to hold me tight and let me breathe.. let me be..
Kevin and I had it
then i got scared
and ran
as always
ran from everything
now im gone.. their lives go on..
i always had this problem
when i am SOO FAR from poeple.. do they even care? do they remember me? do they ever wonder about me? Do they ever wish i was there?
Even when i was in therapy, that came up.. and still now.. that whole object permanance thing i didnt seem to learn when i was 3
JUST because i am NOT there.. does NOT mean that people dont think of me.. right?
I am able to think and wonder about people.. even without Facebok..
Little clips on the radio buzz chords in my mind... the soft smell of something peculiar wafts my way and my mind is flooded with vivid memories..

i wonder though

what DOES make people think of me?
am i that memoriable?

and
where are the people that DO care and why arent they HERE WITH ME WHEN I NEED THEM
pleaase hug me

Playlist for the moment..

Garth Brooks.. "Wrapped Up In You"
..slow to begin (not until 1:42 into the song actually) .. but once it gets started its a catchy song.. I found it on a cd I made LONG ago.. back in Newfoundland.. and it makes me smile :)

Brad Paisley .. "Letter to Me"
makes me wish i could write a letter to myself... looking back i realized how much of my teenagehood was missed.. was ripped apart.. was lost.. due to my stupid ED... even my college years.. gone.. missed.. hiding away.. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT ANYMORE!! ... its just how i cope with life when i get overwhelmed..scared..stressed...


Brad Paisley,. "Ticks"
vivid images in my head... wishing.. dreaming.. but know nothing will ever happen remotely close to this..
When i was in Newfoundland i remember i used to say that i was going to marry a cowboy.. HA! not going to happen..


Gavin Rossdale.. "The Trouble I'm In"
good song to cry to..


Edwin McCain.. "I'll Be (Acoustic)"
i swear to you.. this song... oh my heart..
one of my dreams in this life is to be serenaded..
"I'll be your crying shoulder,
I'll be love's suicide
I'll be better when I'm older,
I'll be the greatest fan of your life."

...im sorry... i seem to be leaning towards country music for some reason...

sleep it off..

Oh how i miss the good times from this summer...
For the first time .. ever really .. I felt wanted
I felt needed
I felt like i was fun
I felt like i was one of US.. part of a WE... not on the outside... not a THEM..
:)

Now i feel like crap.
I cant even get p the courage to talk to most of the apartments that i need to call in order to get one.. I end up hanging up if there is a male that picks up the phone.
Im sorry im rude
Im sorry im so scared
I just want to crawl under a blanket.. and sleep
sleep until i feel better about myself.. about my situation..
sleep until im prettier.. until i can think straight...
sleep until i am part of an US again.. until im part of a WE..
Sleep until i am ME again
sleep until i find my place in life
Sleep until i like myself again..

Unfortunately... that may take forever....


:(

I find myself wandering grocery stores again..
NOT a good sign..
i gaze at all the food around me... tempted to buy.. but knowing im going to binge.. so i dont buy anything and leave empty handed...
over and over..
that is how i have been wasting my days lately..
waiting.. wandering grocery stores.. my eyes light up in anticipated excitement.. eagerly knowing that i could SOOOOO easily down a whole bag of those crispy crunchy jalepeno chips... but denying myself that honor.. knowing that i would regret it.. that it would NOT be a good idea.. for my body or my mind..
And i wait..
wait for someone to reach out to me..
wait for someone to need me
wait for someone to want me
nothing..
not
a
thing

so here i sit.
amidst the ghosts from the summer.. i see the couch and can only picture that night.. when we were out on the porch drinkin.. laughing.. connecting.. goofing off..
so i sit.
all alone
at the camp
no one here,.. not a soul
and i wait.
and hide
and hope
and wish
and dream
and resign from this world
getting lost in a fitful sleep
only to wake up again with nothing different...

Smokey

I love smoke.. and all of its swirly-ness... you cant touch it.. but you can put your finger through it. It disappears... floating up in the air and becoming.. once again.. air
I thought id share a few pictures with you...




Smoke
Smoke can be sooo sensual.. sooo pretty.. sooo mysterious... sooooo captivating..
It can enchant and delight
It can wrap you up in a hazy cloak
It can cloud your vision
It can twist into shapes and images





I know i love watching it float out of my mouth and watching it curl and twist and twirl around into itself.

robot poop

What I’ve found is a public sculpture by Anish Kapoor in Millennium Park, Chicago, that is called Cloud Gate. The sculpture is shaped like an ellipse, and its legume-like appearance has caused it to be nicknamed “The Bean”. It is made of 168 highly polished stainless steel plates, and stands at 33 feet high, 66 feet long, and 42 feet wide, weighing 110 tons.

WOW!
As i was browsing through my old favorite websites, I happened upon this spectacular work of art.
It is by a man named Anish Kapoor and located in Millenium Park in Chicago.
It is called the Cloud Gate. a.k.a. "The Bean"
It is made up of 168 stainless steel plates and is
33 feet high
66 feet long
42 feet long
110 tons

so soo very pretty.....

I LovE how it is abe to reflect reality.. but in a slightly peculiar, distorted way. I can only imagine how fun it wold be to walk around and inside the hole and see what is reflected and what is distorted.

It could also be seen as a giant robot turd.. though slightly too perfectly sheen and smooth for that..

i can only imagine how upkeep it would require.. what with polishing and shining and buffing... with all the people touching it and kissing it and attempting to climb on it..

TeaPot!

Is it a terrorist? OR is it a bandit?
NEITHER!!

Its a teapot!

:) (:

Which reminds me of my favorite game. "Teapot"!!

You think of a thing.. a verb.. an action.. anything..
And while you are talking to people.. instead of saying THAT WORD.. you say Teapot..
AND poeple have to guess what TEAPOT stands for...
VERY amusing..
They start asking 20 quesions style..
"Do you teapot in the morning?"
"It is not necessary, but it feels wonderful and refreshing."

Melting People..

Ooohh... Wow....

There isBrazilian artist Nele Azevedo who does some of the most COOLeST arwork ever!! LITERALLY!! Look below and behold his little arm of melting men.
Sadly.. I cannot figure out WHERE this took place... or IF it will ever take place again..
But how COOL does it look!?!?!

i LOVE this kid!!!!!!!!!!!

i LOVE this kid!!


"Smack That" Akon..


Avril Lavigne "Girlfriend"


Sean Kingston;s "Me Love"


Chris Brown "With You"

MY FAVORITE (i HOPE you have all seen this before...)

SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING!!
IM NOT TALKING TO AIR!! ??
am i?
i need some input.. some inspiration.. some something.. let me know im here.. im real

Gravityy

gravity hits hard... just to let you know...
WoW.. just ask Emily... and anyone who was around me last night..
I TRIED soooooooooo hard to hit the floor running... to come back to the point that i could TALK to poeple that i wanted to talk to.. my last night in Tuscaloosa.. I pretty much failed at that.. in my own hazy world...

the sunglasses didn't help.. made me think i was going blind... and i felt like a giant holey sponge and could feel the air flow through me... I had to keep my sunglasses on for safety.. would NOT let anyone take them off...

Everyone kept coming up to me... talking to me.. even simple hugs and pokes felt like WoW..

I miss you Tuscaloosians..

no idea whats in store for me now... tracking down a place to stay in Asheville.. Criags List has some interesting places.. though i am not sure about many of them.. turstworthy? i dont know...

I REALLY REALLY want someone to stay with me.. to visit.. to couch surf.. I want that more than anything.. EVEN IF they are just using me for a room while they are in Asheville.. I dont care... I push THAT part out of my mind and focus on the fact that they are WITH ME!! :) and they came to sEE ME!! :)

PlayList For The Moment...

Incubus "Aqueous Transmission"
beautiful beautiful song... makes me want to fly or float or just close my eyes and let the music take me to the lake


James Otto "Just Got STarted Lovin You"
Oooo i loves his voice! lol@ i heard this as i was driving today... and it made me wish for things



Ludicrous "Blueberry Yum Yum"
I LOVE crankin this up as i cruise down the road...
I can picture this whole song.. i can see him doing all of this stuff... He makes me want someeee


Jason Mraz "I Melt With You"
I cranked this one at the summer camp...



Mest "Whats the Dillio"
Reminds me of better times :)


Love Remains The Same... :/ Messed up feelings.. wanting this and wanting that and wishing for that and none of them mesh together... kinda makes me hurt.. a lot..

Leader of the pack

I TOTALLY love it
when i am driving down the freeway
And i am AHEAD of everyone
they are all behind me
And i pretend they are all after me.. to take my photo.. to take me away.. to see me.. to visit me..

..it makes me feel wanted

My other favorite thing to do while driving..
Find my Driving BuddY!! We alternately pass each other or let each other in front of us.. wave to each other as we pass.. and generally help each other out.. pretend to race.. pretend to joke as we pass by each other...
And then the friendship suddenly ends in a heart wrenching moment.. as you watch the other car drift away to their exit..
Thats it
End of story
No more
Time to look for another Driving Buddy..

hmmm...

Peeking through the jagged hole
My cheek against the prickly wood
My ragged breathing slowly calms
With the scent of you so near

Out beyond the knobby wood
I squint my eyes to see
I hear so clear your enchanting voice
My heart is pounding so
I wish that you knew me

I poke my finger in the hole
To expand my narrow view
I utter a shriek as I prick my finger
And a drop of blood appears
I hope you didn't hear me

I am caught off guard by the blood,
surprised by its gentle warmth
A single teardrop slips down my face
My world is now a blur
And you don't even care

**This is kinda a creepy poem.. i must say... I wrote it for my English class last year..but i sttill love the vivid imagery it creates in my head**

..Staff partAyyyyyyyyy!

Last night..
Ohhhhhhh wow
The first time ever that i had to be assisted to my bed...
I was sad and lonely so i got a head start on some wine.. then went down to the staff dinner banguet where some "juice" was made..
In little or no time i was pretty much gone..
Racing back and forth between the Pond (to catch newts and fish) and then to the fire (the flames were intoxicating) I began to beat the fire with random sticks to release the fire fairies..
I refused to take off my sunglasses so i kept running up to poeple asking who they were and where my cup went to...
Emily had to put me in time out at least 5 times.. and restrained me a couple times too!
I loved that feeling of grand silliness...
I also broke out my hookah at some point and that pretty much capped off my night.. it put me in a state where i was only barely in reality.. peaceful fuzziness..

And 2 nights ago.. we went to Patrons.. the Mexican restraunt.. I had a few margaritas.. made new friends at the bar until Quinn came over to let me know that we were leaving..
When we got back to camp- i heard the music so i danced.. which comes naturally to someone wearing GoGo boots who has had a bit to drink..
I was up there for a good hour or so.. and then ran around practicing my therapeutic restraints which always ended up in me being held down on the floor..
Lots of goood times at camp tally...
More stories to come..
For now.. i leave you with these pictures
(yes.. we took the short bus to a Mexican restaurant)

"Why food is good for you" poem.. .and quotes...

Oh...

During one of our treatment center nutrition "classes" we had to do a little write up on food and why there are NO "good" or "Bad" foods.... soooooooooo i wrote a poem!!


--==--==--==--==--==--==--==

Don't think of food as good or bad
Think of only what makes you Glad

Everything can be proven healthy
When it comes to reasons, I've got plenty

Pizza has carbs to help you move
And protein so you can get out and groove

Coleslaw has carrots for your eyes
So they will not tell you lies

Endorphins fly when you eat
Chocolate as a nummy treat

Although in Oreos, fat can be found
It keeps your brain from bouncing around

Ice cream has calcium for your bones
So dig into those yummy cones

Low fat ice creams light and airy
Ben & Jerry's sure is scary

But boy does it taste nummy
And you'll need less to fill your tummy

In moderation everything is good
So stop focusing on the should


WONDERFUL QUOTES that got me by...

*Let your imagination soar-For it is your souls blueprint for success
**One can never change the past-only the hold it has on you
*Ships in Harbor are safe-but thats not what ships are built for *John Shedd
**The best way out is through *Helen Keller
*I never failed! I discovered 200 ways NOT to do something
**The ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by experts-Don't wait for experts
*Never let the fear of striking out get in your way *Babe Ruth
**Success isn't measured by the position you reach in life, but by the obstacles you overcome
*Each friend represents a world in us-A world possibly not born until they arrive ant it is only by meeting that a new world is born
**Getting angry can sometimes be like leaping into a wonderfully responsive sports car, gunning the motor, taking off at high speed only to realize that the brakes are out of order...
*Problems are only opportunities in work clothes



-->Stress<--
That confusion created when the mind must override the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some idiot who desperately needs it

Lost and Found Poems from

So...
I was unloading my room because my parents moved to Augusta and i came across some old poems...
Here you go..

--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--
*(Random Ramblings)*

Sugar Coated Dreams
Floating away upon a cloud
i reach to catch one
as it slips through my fingers
there is so much i want to do
I have so little time
How can i get it all done
And still enjoy the ride?
Take time off and just breath a simple breath
Let the peace settle deep within
These days it is so hard to do
My mind is going crazy
Its a busy world out there
Yet its not simpler in my head
So many dreams are left untouched
So many opportunities lost
Sacrificing your wants for others
You deserve to savor every minute
Cause in the end, all thats left is you
So when opportunity comes knocking
greet them with a simple smile and invite them in
Ask them to please stay awhile
and let your life begin

--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--
*(No idea where i got this one in my head... i had never ever had a boyfriend until this year actually.. so this is based on songs and dreams and hopes)**

When you're with me I get a rush
You're so sweet it makes me blush
You're so perfect its hard to see
What is it thats special about me
I've never felt this way before
And i seem to feel more and more
Back before it was you and I
I'd given up hope to even try
You inspired me, helped me see
How wonderful this world can be
Sometimes i get an awful scare
What would happen if you weren't there
I wish i could get on a cloud and fly
Above the stars and in the sky
When your arm is around my hips
I yearn to taste you on my lips
You are always in my heart
Even when we are apart
I don't know if we'll last forever
So lets savor our time together

==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
**(Treatment Center Poem.. there is a lot of time to think when you are locked inside 24/7 with therapists dissecting your mind at every angle..)**

Someday I truly hope i will
Just be able to sit still
In the shade, under a tree
And get in touch with the inner me
I will go way deep inside
And explore the things i tend to hide
The things I don't like to show
And let them shine and glow
All the secrets that i keep
All the lies i never peep
Just like that perfect peach
Perfection is just so hard to reach
Expectations are set so high
Making me want to sit and cry
"You're not good enough"
Others say with a huff
The reflection in the mirror makes me cringe
So i starve myself until i binge
It's so hard to look past the outside skin
And focus on the good within
Take a breath-just slow down
And remember its okay to frown
Savor every moment-but don't hold tight
Do not worry-You'll be alright
It's amazing how time flies by
But one thing that is no lie
Life goes on despite the shit
But don't you worry-Don't you quit
Just believe in all you do
And hopefully that can get you through
I wish to truly believe in me
And that im as perfect as can be

--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
**(Treatment Center Poem... though the first little blip is how ive been feeling lately too)**

Mirror Mirror On the Wall
Why don't you just crash and fall
I do not like what you show
Why do you distort me so?

I am entranced by the girls on tv
And i dream, ""How i wish that were me"
Walking among the camera flashes
They flutter their long lush lashes
....(unfinished)---


--==--==--==--==--==--==--==
**(AnotherTreatment center poem...)**

The days seem so long
I don't know what to do
Everything feels so wrong
I don't like feeling blue

The voices in my head keep yelling
They cant seem to agree
The tears in my eyes keep welling
Is this how its always going to be?

I feel so empty, I feel so hollow
I see this food in front of me
but it all seems too much to swallow

"It's not about the food" they say
Do they even know how it is
To get through each and every day
I try so hard not to let it show

I hate being left out
Of all the fun they share
It seems to be-Without a doubt
That they do not even care

Its strange how the people
That you hold most dear
Are the ones that
Can entice the most fear

They may not even know
How harsh their words can be
I take them with a blow
I take them personally

Their words never leave my mind
They are there constantly
It makes it so hard to find
And become the real me

Strange how a simple smile
Can brighten someones day
It makes me happy for awhile
As i go along my way

I look down in front of me
And see my pudgy tummy
It is all that i can see
Which makes me feel crummy

I know i should be at peace
with my body and my spirit
It seems like such a sweet release
So why do i fear it?

I love me and the person that i am
I want to be accepted
But every time i feel like me
I get to scared that "me" will be rejected


--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!~!
**(awww.... i believe this was when i was leaving to go to college.. or something like that...)**

I have a very special Dad
Whose name is Walter Jay
I have to say something to this lad
HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!

My dad has taken me many places
We go on so many trips
We see so many faces
And twice as many lips

Indian Princesses was our thing
Fathers and daughters all the way
We would love to go out camping
No matter the weather on that day

My daddy loves me very much
I know that this is true
He has a very gentle touch
And hugs me when im blue

I remember walking on the beach
picking out agates and rocks
And helping me get things I couldn't reach
And the fun we had on dog walks

In the garage we made root beer
and created things with wood
The rock tumbler we could hear
As we chopped and stacked fire wood

You were the one who got us to hike
And although I complained at first
As we tromped along-I began to like
this hiking as it quenched a certain thirst

Now the time has come for me to go
To spread my wings and fly so free
The time has come for me to glow
And be all that i can be

I still love you a whole darn lot
You don't need to worry
Your the only daddy that i got
Even if your visions blurry

Even if i don't call you everyday
That doesn't change a thing
I still love you in my special way
You will always be my king

Last DAy Of CAmp..

Last Day Of Camp... ):
Lounging around in the art room with Dave and Matt.. jamming to the music as i store away the art supplies until next summer rolls around..
I cannot beleive that TOMORROW there will be NO KIDS
NONE
I spent the afternoon in the pool.. kids hanging off of me.. begging for hugs and following me around telling me stories.. I have to admit that i lost track of what they were saying about 1,343 times or so.. Playing keep away with the volleyball.. splashing around.. getting tossed in the pool..
We would have races to see who could swim to the other side in one breath.. i made it there and back.. Much more than the others... I have a long breath capacity i suppose...
Switching it up and taking my Academics children to the pond where we proceeded to tip over canoes and go underneath..
When you are underneath a canoe like that.. the little bubble.. just like in Pirates of the Carribean.. Everything echoes.. it is like a whole different world.. you can hear the murmer of poeple outside and then someone knocks on the side of hte canoe and rattles your whole world
We would then tip the canoes back rightside up and inspect the waters to see if we caught any fish.. AND WE CAUGHT SOME!!
They were swimming around inside of the canoe.. i squeled when i touched them..
The academics kids all make fun of each other for being "infatuated" with me.. Teashing each other because one of the others said something about me.. about me being hott or pretty or whatever...
I swam out to the middle of the pond with one of the girls and treaded water for nearly 45 minutes while we rambled on with girl talk.. away from the boys.. I felt the fish skim my legs..
One of the boys and i kept diving to the bottom of the pond to see who could grab the most seaweed..
Oh
I am going to miss this..



After dinner i ran around to the different groups with my MacBook Pro and used the Photo Booth.. entertained the children by taking pictures of them with the different effects.. now i have a boatload of fun pictures of my favorite campers...
I used my computer as a boom box as i roamed around to find fun campers and counselors to hang with.. dancing up a silly storm to random songs...



Soon i will be back there though.. for semester programs..
Scary
Exciting
Intimidating
Thrilling
Hopefully I know what i am doing.. I just need to know what i want
I feel slightly lost in my head.. B.B.I.D.'s every day... some moments more than others.. No idea what it is i really want.. no idea where i am "supposed" to be... cant decide what counselors i want to hang out with.. i feel torn.. time is slipping away and i try SOO Hard to enjoy the moment.. aNd i DO! I DO! "
ANd then
And then i sink back down to the sad pocket
and remember
remember where i am.. that i dont know what i want.. that i have graduated and am moving on.. no more Tuscaloosa.. no more school..
What does the future hold?
Hippies and fun and flowers and concerts and children and memories and camping and hookah and...?

Pakalolo

Wow..
I really really like this feeling...
warm all over
light as air
i feel like im moving
but only sitting still
Much too often i seem to ask
whats going on?
Are you talking tome?
I thought I said that outloud
but apparantly no one heard
all of the thoughts i said up inm y head
Light headed and free
Ilove this feeling im feeling
up here inmy head

Why cant i stand still
why cant i stop laughing
why cant i stop spinning
i hope this never ends

Om holding tight to the table
but i still fell like im floating
i know im earing clothes
but why cant i feel them?
Wh do i find that so funny?
This is ridiculous
this is lovely
this is free
i feel silly
swaying inmy head

Camp memories...

I crave the curly french fries.. seasoned just right... toasty-NOT soggy.. just the right amount of spice...

Hannah Flannagins here.. the Irish Pub.. is our frequent hangout now...
The waiters all know when i walk in "HEY! Its the Blue Hawaiin girl!!"
Apparantly.. there were a couple nights that i was not allowed to drink anymore...
I was NOT aware...

Bidis and Blue Hawaiins..
Adam and Dean and Matthew and Wyn
Salem and Thomas and STS9
Baxter and Fought and Molly and late nights in the room-chillaxin with juice..
Running around with a plate of leftover French Toast sticks-handing them out to the hungry children who have already had 4 or 5 already...
Being bombarded with hugs and shouts of delight everywhere i go..
coming back from my days off only to find my art room in shambles with dirt and lanyard scraps all over the floor and things shoved all over on the shelves with paint out that was not washed and is now CRUSTED on the brush and container..
Many times starting to write notes to my fellow staff on how to appropriately clean up the art room after they are done, but giving up halfway through because i couldnt be mean..
Serving food on the line... occasionally tossing instead of serving..
walking down to South Carolina to destress and unwind and process with my fellow co-staff (smoke break)...
being kidnapped by fellow staff to take me out for the night...
spending the night at J.P.s drinking straight out of the bottle until i couldnt see straight...
Convincing the campers to go down the waterfalll... finally sick of talking them into it, i went for it.. and they followed quickly after...
warm fuzzies that are now hanging up on my wall to make me feel specail on those down days...
i could go on and on...
this summer has been amazing..
i am SOOO coming back again next summer..

Camp Tali....

Ok..
So..
Summer CAmp is almost over :(
SAdness..
BUT!!
I got the job here for semesters!
YAY!!
I cannot wait.
I feel as though this summer has been really good for me. I have engaged a LOT more with staff and with the children.. I have become more of a counselor and less of a cleaner..
One particular In-between session was pretttttY scary..
We had gone to the Carl Sandburg House.. There were about twelve kids ranging in age from 11 to 19. AND ranging from Low functioning Autism to extreme ADD.
It was rather interesting... One particular child.. lets call him Max.. has had a history of instigating trouble. One of the other kids.. lets call him Alex (one of my favorites) was quite low on the social skills scale.. he had wet his bed the night before (he had NEVER done that before.. we figured it was because of the shock of change.. going from Academics to Sight) Anyway. Max had been making a noise that sounded like someone peeing and screaming "BEDWETTER! BEDWETTER!! PSSSS! PSSS!" over and over and Alex kept shouting "NO PSSS! PSSS!" And running around in circles.
Anyway. Max ended up calling Group every 5 minutes to call issues on the kids around him who accidently tapped him or accidently bumped into him.. The others were all pissed off at Max for calling issues on silly things... I could tell everyone was on the verge of bubbling over...
Lunch time came around and Max started instigating trouble again.. "PSS! PSS!BEDWETTER!!" and when i tried to take him aside to talk to him, he spat out his peanut butter nad jelly sandwitch at me (already chewed up and nasty... I was weating a dress with nice big pockets and the food ended up IN my pockets..) He calmed down for about 2 minutes.. we gave him some pretzels and he spat them out at me again.
"If you cannot handle sandwitches or pretzels in your mouth, you obviously cannot handle cookies in your mouth."
So he got no cookies..
More anger and frustrations were bubbling up...
Less than 5 minutes later, we piled on the bus... made it to the next block and had to pull over...
Max was standing on his seat on the bus, leaning over shouting hte same thing at the top of his lungs, "PSSS!! PSS!! BEDWETTER! BEDWETTER!!"
Everyone on the bus was getting sick of his antics..
Dave* crawled up on his seat and ran up to Max and attempted to hit him with a water bottle.. we settled him down for a minute..
Andy (18) went into his own little world shouting at the top of his lungs "GO AWAY!! YOU DONT BELEIVE ME!! NO ONE CARES!! AHRGG!!"
Alex had had enough and ran to the front to bite Max.. The other counselor had to restrain him.. I had to restrain Max... Dean was trying to crawl over all of us..
One of the girls, Amelia was curled up outside thebuss in a ball of tears..
A stranger came on the bus asking if everything was alright in the midst of all of this..
"We're good! We're okay! No Worries!!"
They didnt listen..
Max ran away.. out the bus.. across the street.. down the busy road.. in and out of the woods... I talked him down until he was able to be sensible... one of the administration pulled up beside us and had to restrain him by the side of the road... i ran BACK to the bus while cars kept stopping on the side of the road asking "Is everything alright back there?!"
Out of breath and running in the opposite direction, i would stutter, "Yeah.. its all good.. no worries..."
We finally made it back to camp.. the kids were tramatized.. one kid was curled up in a ball on his bed and didnt move for nearly 2 hours..
Anyway...
more later..
internet is scarce here.. and so is free time..
I dont want to leave this place..

STS9 Concert... Rocked my world..

Ooh the concert was A-Mazing!!
I started a drink before we got there... and then once we were there i was a tad "happy" and ran around passing out paint (literally running up to random people offering them paint and then pouring it in their hand or on their arm) and i dropped a vial of glitter so i kept running back to that spot and piling it up in my hand and then sprinkling it on others.. passing out glow sticks and stick on tattoos..
Just before we got in there, i put it on my tongue.. it disappeared and the last thing i totally remember was some guy next to me saying, "There's no turning back now" and then me spinning until i fell down.. right into the pile of glitter and paint..
the rest of the night was a blur of heat, dancing, swaying, flashing lights, glow sticks, funny smoking things being passed around, hugs, dreadlocks and tye dye..
My Friend Salem and i even tried to get up on the roof of one house nearby because it wasx too hot inside the house we were supposed to stay..we never made it up and ended up crashing on the grass.. though i never really slept.. When i spend time with Lucy, i am never abl;e to sleep... my eyes are filled with flashing swirling tye dye lights and strobe lights and my head pounds..
Icould NOT grasp reality.. or the concept of time..DURING the concert it felt like it lasted forever.. once it was over it felt asthough it had just started..
The people near me became my family.. if i was falling one way, they would help me back up.. they lit my bidi for me and picked up glow sticks for me.. they danced in rhythm with me and led me on other moves.. they pointed out trippy lights and funny costumes and i rubbed my hands to spread my glitter love..
THEN.. I made the mistake of watching my movie about Woodstock.. watching all those cats tripping out and grooving to the music outside.. one love.. one soul.. one being.. all the love and freedom and flowers and pretty people.. not afraid of themselvesor their bodies..
Oh how i wish i could expereiince that...

Mud Baths, Skinny Dipping, Mega Tripping, Dancing, Improv, Loudspeakers, Downpours, Port-O-Sans, Hog Farms, Helicopters dropping daisys and dry clothes, local families donating food to feed the masses, makeshift tents and tarps to keep dry, mud sliding and Jimi Hendrix, Arlo Guntrhie and Joan Baez and Canned Heat and The Who and Janis Joplin and Joe Cocker, the Merry Prankskers and the bad brown acid that is NOT poison-just a bad trip, no fights, no police, no rules, thousands for free knocking down the fences.. flying poeple in because the roads were NOT moving,

Check out this website for wonderfully groovy pics of the Woodstock concert.. I like the Love Bus