sleep it off..

Oh how i miss the good times from this summer...
For the first time .. ever really .. I felt wanted
I felt needed
I felt like i was fun
I felt like i was one of US.. part of a WE... not on the outside... not a THEM..
:)

Now i feel like crap.
I cant even get p the courage to talk to most of the apartments that i need to call in order to get one.. I end up hanging up if there is a male that picks up the phone.
Im sorry im rude
Im sorry im so scared
I just want to crawl under a blanket.. and sleep
sleep until i feel better about myself.. about my situation..
sleep until im prettier.. until i can think straight...
sleep until i am part of an US again.. until im part of a WE..
Sleep until i am ME again
sleep until i find my place in life
Sleep until i like myself again..

Unfortunately... that may take forever....


:(

I find myself wandering grocery stores again..
NOT a good sign..
i gaze at all the food around me... tempted to buy.. but knowing im going to binge.. so i dont buy anything and leave empty handed...
over and over..
that is how i have been wasting my days lately..
waiting.. wandering grocery stores.. my eyes light up in anticipated excitement.. eagerly knowing that i could SOOOOO easily down a whole bag of those crispy crunchy jalepeno chips... but denying myself that honor.. knowing that i would regret it.. that it would NOT be a good idea.. for my body or my mind..
And i wait..
wait for someone to reach out to me..
wait for someone to need me
wait for someone to want me
nothing..
not
a
thing

so here i sit.
amidst the ghosts from the summer.. i see the couch and can only picture that night.. when we were out on the porch drinkin.. laughing.. connecting.. goofing off..
so i sit.
all alone
at the camp
no one here,.. not a soul
and i wait.
and hide
and hope
and wish
and dream
and resign from this world
getting lost in a fitful sleep
only to wake up again with nothing different...