nothings working
nothings right
I visited 2 apartments today and didnt feel welcome by the girls.women.people. that showed them to me
i dont feel that connection

yesterday i was able to hide all day..
i never moved from this couch outside here on the porch.. it is something i had NEVER done before..
Baxter, Mike and Molly and I just sat around.. talking.. signing Molly up for Facebook.. talking.. talking..
never before had i done that
never had i wanted it more
now its back to me
again
alone

seriously people..
i want to go home
whereever home is
i am sick of chasing poeple down.. of catering to people.. of buying for people..
just once.. I;d like someone to care for me.. to buy something for me.. to hold me tight and let me breathe.. let me be..
Kevin and I had it
then i got scared
and ran
as always
ran from everything
now im gone.. their lives go on..
i always had this problem
when i am SOO FAR from poeple.. do they even care? do they remember me? do they ever wonder about me? Do they ever wish i was there?
Even when i was in therapy, that came up.. and still now.. that whole object permanance thing i didnt seem to learn when i was 3
JUST because i am NOT there.. does NOT mean that people dont think of me.. right?
I am able to think and wonder about people.. even without Facebok..
Little clips on the radio buzz chords in my mind... the soft smell of something peculiar wafts my way and my mind is flooded with vivid memories..

i wonder though

what DOES make people think of me?
am i that memoriable?

and
where are the people that DO care and why arent they HERE WITH ME WHEN I NEED THEM
pleaase hug me