what a whirlwind
he still hasnt been able to sleep.. so i fitfuily pass in and out throughout the night in between tears of frustration as he rolls and sighs and moans and sits up and falls back down..
i realize i still do have this fear.. when he stops for no reason.. or does some strange face.. or stretches.. that hes going to have another seizure
We made it to Friday Harbor.. its absolutely BEAUTIFUL here!! We roamed around a bit last night.. downtown.. (didnt take too long) but he had a slice of pizza for $4.00 (old microwave-heated pizza) and talked to Dennice the Mennace behind the counter. He gave us a town map and marked apartments around the area on it (we drove and found one of the 4..) and when asked what people do for fun around here.. "drinkin and smokin" which got him super excited.. asking about where it was found and blah blah blah..
and then as we were walking back he claimed he wasn't going to do any (even though he wanted to drive that way anyway claiming he thought there would be apartments out that way..
The past 2 nights we've been weaving around eastern WA.. amongst miles and acres of crops and fields and orchards.. over the Rockies.. the Cascades.. Stopped in Boseman, MT for a night.. stopped by Missoula, MT to check out the SmokeJumpers Headquarters...
At my grandparents in Wenatchee we picked all of the apples off 5 of their 16 trees. It sounds not so hard, but it really was tedious.. they were small.. about the size of a cherry or smaller. .and the same size as the leaf... We had to go through branches and I climbed up the trees and my grandpa and Him used ladders. I ended up getting twisted around.. contorted.. so i could reach every possible clumplet of green apple buds.. we had to get them all because my grandpa wasn't going to spray them.. because it cost $500 and there was only 4 of the 16 trees that were blooming so he wouldn't make a profit out of the 4 trees so he just decided to pick them all off.. because if he would have left them and not sprayed them the inspectors would have come and chopped down all the trees at my grandpas expense because they didnt want contaminated/fruit fly infested apples roaming about out there.
The ferry ride was amazing.. He chose to stay in the car most all of the time.. but I wandered about down amongst the cars and up above by the seats and in the front and the back where the wind whipped about..
I still can't beleive i am here
sometimes I am fine with it.. excited even.. working.. waitressing.. being busy.. tourists...
and i get a weird sense of sadness knowing that he is going to be out there.. in the waters.. among the whales and all kinds of people.. paddling all day long.. and that seems like such an ideal job.. and I was the one that got it for him.. and i blindly followed him like an idiot out here to do menial work that doesn't apply to my degree doing work that high schoolers/college kids usually do when i am fully equipped and knowledged to do much more.. i have the skills.. but no one out here is hiring for those kind of positions
but at the same time.. not many people can say they lived on Friday HArbor in the San Juans for the summer..
and we keep staying in hotels.. and it only gets more and more expensive.. and i am the only one doing the work in terms of researching how to find hotels.. calling them.. finding out that they cost over $100 with the lowest being $119.. until i called this place that is $81. but you would barely call it even a room. the bed takes up most of hte floor space with a skinny walkway on the side to a bathroom and a closet with a sink in it.
if you have no money.. or very little money.. and still have no place to live.. SAVE MONEY.. CAMP.. yes its cold.. but get over it.. soon you will have a house
and i take it out on the ED still.. shifting between not eating.. not really being hungry at all- for real - and then munching on some peanut butter on a marshmallow.. which opens up the chasm of hunger and mindlessness..


and i want to call people.. but dont have the time.. or the energy to lie and say Im happy. because that feeling is rare nowadays..
but i am tentatively hopeful.. as usual.. and my birthdays coming up..
and we came on a weekend.. which is not smart if you are looking for a place or a job.. because no one wants to deal with that kind of thing on a saturday.. saturdays are play days...
anyway.
i need coffee... or an energy drink..
here we go..

Things are better..
:)
but hes soooo soo tired.. and soo soo restless at night..
he cant help it though.. but he could have prevented it by not doing anything in the first place..
but driving.. across South Dakota.. and Wyoming.. VAST stretches of nothing.. you could see for miles.. i wish i could have stayed there at night.. outside... the stars.. the sunset.. the sunrise.. would have been breathtaking..
Badlands had lunar-like rocky gorges and towers.. a light orangeish white.. with stripes of darker orange.. some were more roundy and moundy.. others were more drip-castley..
it was quite like what i imagine Mars to be like.. i would have LOVED to camp out there.. but it was to be stormy that night.. I was sad :(
To stay out there.. in that strange.. eerie.. otherworldy land..
the lightning was quite amazing.. bright flashes lighting up the entire sky.. one right after hte other.. like God flashing his camera.. the rain was thick, hard and fast..
Mt. Rushmore... :) such smooth faces..
Crazy Horse Memorial... its going to be huge.. someday..
Yellostone tomorrow...
hesitantly excited that we might get to hike.. that he will be over his flailing and restlessness and exhaustion and DO something..
I want to rent ATVs or White Water Raft.. or hike.. camp atleast..

I suppose we shall see...

Badlands!!! aka Mars..

WELCOME TO SOUTH DAKOTA!

Some HUGE concrete teepee

Me being a curious dork

Bad lighting...

Standing in line to get into the Arch.

THE ARCH!

Bad then okay then bad then good then etc.
He rolled into my place Thursday around 3:30 and immediately complained of migraine.. threw up.. and passed out..
My parents and brother went to a baseball game.. leaving him and i alone.. he went to sleep
i felt as though i should have gone with them.. cuz i mis my little brother... and wont see him.. nor my parents for a long time
I couldn't sleep.. so made him leave with me at 6 am. we drove.. well i drove.. a good 3 hours.. he drove 2.. we stopped in Nashville where he had a seizure.. in the parking lot of the Opryland.. SCARIEST thing ever.. he was all red and tight and muscles and veins bulging.. i remembered him saying if it ever happened to not call 911.. but I did.. I gave in.. I was sooo soo scared.. when he came to he had this glazed look.. was spittling.. and looked at me as if he had no idea who i was.. when the ambulance/fire/security came he told them that we had trouble cranking the car and thats why we called.. he was stumbling and stuttering.. I was confused.. did he make up that story to get out of talking to them? out of going to the hospital? I felt stupid..guilty for calling 911.. Finaly i stepped in.. "You had a Seizer!"
He didnt remember... I had no idea that one loses their memory after a seizure.. I felt horrible as he tried to answer questions like what day it was and everything. It was clear he was fine.. but they couldnt let him go until he knew the day/ec/
I wasted his time.. their time..
I wanted to drive us to St. Loius.. so we could go to the aRch in the morning.. take our time.. but we only made it to Mt. Vernon, IL when he saw a Motel 6 and made me stop. So i did.. crying silently.. frustrated.. traumatized.. tired of driving.. defeated..
He took and I drove us around an hour while he decided what to eat for dinner. I was mildly hopeful that he would eat something.. then I would be able to not feel like shit for eating dinner.. He chose a TINY burger.. and a milkshake that he didnt even eat.. I dropped him off at the hotel and drove to my refuge.. the grocery store..
I biught him candy. I couldnt buy myself anything except an energy drink for the next day and Pezz (YUM) which i had one little packet for my dinner..
He was asleep when i got back.. at 8.. I cried.. myself to sleep.. thinking.. What would my dad think if he knew.. How did i get myself in this situation.. I want to go home.. I want a life.. I want someone who will eat... etc.

Today was better..
We stopped at the St. Loius Arch anyway.. didnt go up it cuz it was too long of a line. but i LOVE that little museum down below.. on Lewis and Clark and Oregon Trail..
I used to read stories about them.. both adventures.. and create journals as if i were on one of those.. either Sacajewa's younger sister.. or i would create my own family for a wagon train.. journaling about the misinformation heard about the rich land of Oregon.. the promises it held.. what we were leaving behind.. fears.. hopes..
Driving across the prairie. seeing forever.. lasting forever.. We made it to Soiux City, IO
He cant sleep.
therefore neither can i.
We had dinner at 5
hes still not hungry
i am starving
but wont allow myself to admit it.. nor do anything about it
because I feel fat.. weird.. like a pig.. because hes not in the least hungry
HOW?
its been 7 hours..
:(
I need to be with people who actually eat
but at the same time.. i guess thiss is good for losing weight..

Badlands National Park tomorrow.. its only 387 miles.. I know we will make it.
and i know he wont be able to drive
but then again.. I cant sleep either.. so.. we shall see..

Always something new

I got a call from AmeriCorps in Callam County.. working in Port Angeles or Port Townsend doing work with kids or the community... I almost said no but my mom was shooting daggers at me and muttered "idiot" when I was about to decline.

I have another idea
a better one
There is a place on the island.. a nursing home.. that gives CNA training and testing. Once I become certified I will get a job there..
and being a CNA.. as i read more and more.. is right up my alley...
I would get to help those that needed help.. talk.. feed.. assist.. monitor...
and pretty much guaranteed job...
opportunity for advancement.. becoming a RN..
and there is a need for CNAs in the country.
Thats what I want to do.


I cried tonight too..
for a silly reason.. though not really so silly.
My dad stayed late to work so he could pick up my brother on the way home... he could have come home for an hour.. but he chose to stay late.
that made me sad
my last night here for who knows how long
he didnt have time last night because he was at his work party.
He came home late Monday night.. but atleast I got a game of Scrabble in..
I just miss my daddy.. wanted to spend time with him before i left
I wanted his advice on my road trip.. look at the route with me.. see where we (as a family) had stopped in before.. and where to avoid..
and now he wont be home til 8:30.. then dinner.. and my little brother will be home so he will want to play the Wii or go in the hot tub... and my dad goes to bed at 9:50-10 pm. .
so
no time with my daddy
:(


which caused me to eat eat eat
and wait wait wait
and become sad sad sad
and not happy happy happy
and very confused
and
CANT
LIKE
MYSELF
and HATE MIRRORS
and body

home
I do like it here
I am able to think a little better
fee a little better
do a little more
feel more productive

Treadmill.. yoga.. walking in the sunshine.. going though old things.. nostalgia..

but the trap
the trap is the food
and no grapes ir hummus or easy on the mind eating...
delicious chocolate ice cream with chunks of fudge and dark chocolate.... cheese of all kinds.. pad thai leftovers... garlicky crunchy croutons..
and no one here to watch cuz my mom is out on the porch the whole time and my dads at work
so no ones there to see me.. I dont have to feel ashamed that I am eating..
WHEN I SHOULDN'T BE

I helped out at my dads dinner tonight.. down at the bunkhouse.. which consisted of small talk with 40-50 year olds while munching on SunChips..
..which I hadnt had in forever.. therefore kept going back for more,. discreetly.. all the time KNOWING their eyes were all on me.. watching me going back for more.. and more.. they werent HANDFULS though was how i comforted myself.. they were pinches of crumbs.. etc.

I hope He comes tomorrow.. or the next day..
I have been getting WAY to excited about the trip
Visiting AAA today got me super excited.. I now have a little spiral bound mini book that gives me turn by turn guidance.. little mini maps.. PLUS 2 huge maps... PLUS books on campsites in different areas of the USA (prices.. adrdesses... phone numbers.. hours.. amenities) . PlUS travel booklets of different areas of the USA....
And since have been looking up random roadside oddities to visit.. which i know he will not want to visit.. but some of them he WILL..

i just want to look ok in the mirror.. in clothes..
the scar from the liver transplant.. a blessing but yet a curse...

OH!
But
for the Outdoor School.. the interview... I passed to the 2nd stage.. one more interview next week.. and then something else or the other
$215 per week.. but dont have to pay for housing.. food.. and dont have time to spend money much.. live on campus.. eat food from the cafeteria.. 2 days off a week... teach classes.. do all and everything and anything... 50 minutes from Austin.. 1.5 hours from San Antonio...
slightly excited.. but also slightly nervous.. what would He do? Do I want to lose him? Will i still be with him when I get the job? I dont see myself NOT being with him.. but you never know...
SOOOOOO MANY THINGS UP IN THE AIR

HE NEEDS TO COME! SO WE CAN GO! GET AWAY FROM ALL OF THIS!
yet.. it will also be a big test of our relationship.. hours hours hours in the car.. camping.. roughing it.. etc.
CAN WE MAKE IT??

Allison

Allison
Meet her
or not

she scares me.. but i feel bad because i laugh.. because i dont know what else to do..

i dont understand how she can do that.. 24/7... and its such a common house hold thing.. 10 cans of duster a day... she huffs them..

its not illegal....
but it KILLS... and it only lasts less than 5 minutes... so each time she inhales she gets up to 5 minutes of good feelings.. and at risk for sudden death.. brain damage.. bursting lungs.. not to mention killing all kinds of brain cells..



"... It's like I'm walking on Sunshine..."

Yea.. it didnt last long...

Im not going to give up
thinga are getting better
or at least for the moment

1. I sold my ipod shuffle for $70 on Amazon (which means I got $67)
2. I got tax money back... $411
3. Im at home.. I love my daddy.. and my mom too yes
4. I have a job interveiw tomorrow with the Outdoor School in Texas which will be hiring for September.. they remembered my application from when I tried to apply back in December and they were full up.. as a teacher...
5. I had a job interveiw with Child Haven in Seattle as a Therapeutic Child Care Worker.. and get to do 3 days of training so they can see me at work before they decide to hire me
6. We are about to head out soon.. excited.. nervous.. scared all at the same time..
7. Hes on top of things.. getting paid Wed and coming to me.. hopefully to stay with me Wed night and then head out Thur....

Its a beautiful day
and I can eat without feeling like pooh or puking

...lets see how long this "high" will last..

...For Your Amusement...

AND NOW....
......Some One Sentence Commencement Speeches...

No matter how low you consider yourself, there is always someone looking up at you wishing they were that high.

The world is speaking to you every day. You just don't always know how to listen.

You are a little part of everyone, and everyone is a little part of you- our humanity depends on yours.

Wonder

Sometimes it's more than okay to be terrified.

on the days you think the sun won't shine, remember every moment you spent smiling at a friend, a lover, anyone, for if they smiled back, that shining sun is worth more than any cloudy day.

Understand the difference between being an adult and growing up...

There's no "perfect" job, just employment you make the best of.

Always look people in the eye when you talk to them, that way you know you have their attention, and they have yours.

Going out into the "real world" is a scary concept until it hits you (and it will!) that you are already living in the real world and always have been.

If you'll regret it in the morning, sleep 'til noon.

You will make it. But someone will love you even if you don't.

questioning whether you should do something or not? do it. life is too short to pass up opportunities that could change your life memorable.

If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Take the chance- even if you are scared - you might hate it - it may not work - it may work - you might love it - but don't live to regret not taking it

you have brains in your head. you have feet in your shoes. you can steer yourself in any direction you choose. you're on your own. and you know what you know. you are the guy who'll decide where to go. (Dr. Suess)

Chase dreams, not paychecks.

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There will never be anyone youer than you." (Dr. SuesS)

You will lose things you can't imagine losing, and you will find things you never thought you would find. No doubt the universe is unfolding exactly as it should, even if it is unclear to you at the time.

Don't be afraid to take leaps, you can't cross a chasm in two small steps.

The goal isn't to live forever; but to create something that will

"The hardest part isn't finding who we need to be. It's being content with who you are."

"If there is ever a tomorrow when we are not together there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think, but most important of all, even if we are apart. I'll always be with you." -Pooh

sad

i leave tomorrow to go home
to see my parents for a few days
hes coming by either Wednesday night or thursday and we are on our way
somehow i dont have faith he will come wednesday night

My last day here and he slept
or piddled around across the street "working" which requires lots of "breaks" for "relaxation" in a certain form

but i stil feel lazy
and nothings working
and i took a long walk today.. stopped in the middle for some yoga.. with STS9 blasting in my ears
which made me sick with nostalgia and the yearning for a nice trip
trip and dance it all away
gone gone gone

still no real hope in terms of jobs out there.. except there is one CrabShack hiring.. but who knows if they still will be by hte time we make it out there... .and the ice cream place told me to stop by so they could "check me out" or something like that.. as if i am not good enough for them i guess..

but anyway
im glad to see my parents
but have no idea what to tell them when they ask me why my moneys all gone
i cant tell them the REAL reason..
that i lent it hundred by hundred to him so he could feel good meanwhile i died a little inside each time

i need friends
that dont rely on pills
that can have REAL .. pure.. fun..

With eating disorders.. you do not need tips on how to not eat. You do not need to be told how to stop eating. You do no need to be motivated. You look in the mirror. Problem solved.

Things are slowly changing.. getting better..
in fact.. when i came back from driving his cousin to Wilmington His eyes were wide.. shiny.. normal.. they had that same mischievous look that i fell in love with.. he laughed the laugh i do enjoy..
He's getting off them.. for me.. for him.. for the future..
I like it when his eyes shine


but
no job in seattle :( After calling them day after day.. i finally realized my emails were being re-directed and so i found an email hidden among them from her.. saying they chose someone else..
i cried some more
but
at least i do have some other jobs calling me
and
if not.. i will be in friday harbor..

Whata beautiful night
i cant even explain the feelings

and we talked.. a lot.. about everything.. good and bad.. happy and sad...
first time we met.. how we got to where we are...

(:
a beautiful escape from the disappointments all around me..
it only for the night..

Still not happy
nope
still not better
nope

but i think i found a solution
its petty
its stupid
and i have no real way of getting it
but i want it

BESIDES THAT
i got to hookah today.. and wander antique shops.. and research my solution
it was nice to have someone here with me
His cousin came by for the day
waiting for His sister to come pick him up to take him to Wilmington

is it so hard to find someone who has values?
who thinks its weird that when i was picked up at the airport He was messed and asking me to drive and then making me drive him all these places for him to get stuff?
are there people there whose life extends BEYOND that.. and depending on that..

and i feel as though i cannot connect with people anymore
and that scares me
i try to talk to people
i try to be with them.. be okay.. want to let loose and have fun
but all i really want to do is go home
be alone
read
be okay with myself
and im NOT okay with myself
and i hate that feeling

i was hoping this job would be my escape route
my test to see if he could handle being without me or shaping up...
and now i dont have it

still no word
i keep making excuses for her
for why she didnt calll... "maybe today is her day off" ... "maybe she's waiting for the criminal background check to come in"..
etc.
but she said that the lady who used to have that position left LAST FRIDAY and she had been covering for her this past week and needed someone ASAP.
so
knowing that i am across the country.. and it would take me atleast 2 days to get to work (one to prepare/pack/go to where i am flying out) and one to fly
she would have called me asap
but she hasn't

and i need that job
or atleast need to know
He's talking about leaving soon.. and doesn't understand that if i do get hte job i will need to be there within a matter of days.
I wouldnt be able to drive
and i cant take him to my parents in the state that hes been in
my parents already suspect

but i did get to go to work last night
made a good soloid $50 after i handed over my $90 paycheck to Him before I left.
its frustrating when everything I make goes to him
for things I wouldn't ever do
though lately have been tempted.. just to feel comfortably numb
but he still wont let me
and i know he does love me
and sometimes in the morning or late at night he mumbles a song to me.. a sort of sleepy serenade..
and everytime i come home he holds me.. not just a hug.. but more than that

anyway
he knows this.. but if things dont get better.. if i dont see that he is trying.. i am going home. to mom and dad.
and when i told him that we needed to stop by my parents for a couple nights before we DID head out
"What are we going to do all day?" "Why 2 nights?"
Because
1. I miss my parents
2. I wont see them again for at least the summer if not more
3. We have been hanging out at his parents house for the past many months with no plans... nothing to do...
4. etc
I want my daddy
and he immediately went back on his word "Im sorry.. we can spend 4 nights there" but i know it was just to pacify me.. to stop the tears.

and everyday i do wake up with a hole.. a dread.. knowing that there are no plans.. that i have to find things to do.. to entertain myself.. or him..

blah.
i am tired of chasing after people
of fighting for things
of people taking advantage.
of me not being able to say no
because im scared that if i say no
they will not want me
they will be mad.. upset..
bad things can happen when one says no

anyway
i went back to my work and picked up my last paycheck.

and i went on a walk with Him
and it was fine
he was still out
and we had a slight silly thing going on
where i said that since it was so hot we should go back and drive down to Calabash to get snowballs
he said, "we should walk!"
its a long way
i was skeptical
and i admitted that.
he taunted me that i couldn't do it
i felt icky.. and so i told him that i was going to go
so i started off
he shouted once
and then turned back to go home
and i continued walking hoping that he would come after me
apologize
i dont know
not that he did anything wrong
but he never
and i gave up
and started after him.. tearing up.. and soon full out crying..
he never turned around
never came back
so i ahd to sit by the pond to let it out before i went back
thinking
too much thinking
i sooo almost drove home today
instead i drove to get my check...

still havent heard
still feel the world crushing in on me
still feeling the high and acceptance of being with my uncles friends
(i only had ONE Mike';s Hard Lemonade and i was gone for the rest of the night.. very entertianing and amusing.. and im sure i was to them too)

and i only bought one purchase there.. other than the restaurants i went to with my couchsurfer friend..
a cute hat.. $50.. but soo worth it.. and soo me..
and i wear it to make others smile
and i accomplished that quite a bit yesterday while walking though the airport..
yea, sure some people were laughing at me.. maybe... but others were just amused.. some admired..
atleast i made an impact on their day
not just another balloon floating by

and i was highly dissapointed at my welcome home
yes he came to get me
to pick me up
i drove us home
and then to his freinds so they could drive somewhere .. WAY down a dirt road.. to get some stuff
and then to a very scary area.. where guys rushed the car.. at 1 am.. to get more stuff
and my $100..
and i cried
and tried not to show it
because i knew he wasnt himself
again

Touchdown!
the time warp thing... i was going to say what time i did. but it was 2 different times.. MY time.. and SEATTLE time..
anyway
It was 9:20 Seattle time.. 12:20 MY time..
i was exhausted.. not having slept much the night before.. talking with HIM.. etc..

the flights were uneventful for the most part.. except for me being scared i wasnt going to make the last one due to the 40 minute layover.. but i did.. cuz the flight before it rolled in 15 minutes early.. and DESPITE the fact i had to book it from one terminal to another (with 2 inbetween) I made it with time to spare.. though my luggage didnt
Yes.
My luggage went somewhere else..
I was so tired.. a sleepy-psyched to couchsurf for the first official time with potential new roomie.. ready to open my life to new possibilities.. assuring myself that riding the buses from 10-11:20 at night was fine nad the most that would happen would i would get to tell stories of the things id seen...
they told me my planes would arrive at 10:45.. I could wait... but that woujld mean the buses wouldnt come again til nearly midnight.. not getting me to her place til 1:20
i fought back the tears of frustration
she did everything she could... i attempted to.. but was defeated so i didnt do as much as i could have
but she talked to me :) and made plans for the next day...

my uncle came sauntering in to save me.. we spent time time catching up on the past 5 months since id last seen/stayed with him..
I do still have this silly adoration for him.. he is 37 or so but i do remember when i was younger i had this infatuation with him.. not romantic.. but fascinated.. he was older..but not too old.. too young to be my uncle.. single.. went on all kinds of adventures from which he brought back pictures.. he was always super nice.. smelled good.. dressed swanky (metrosexual some people might say) and lived in FREMONT.. with the troll under the bridge.

anyway
i love flying
seeing the world from above.. it receding below me as we rise.. and getting closer and bigger as we land.. like GoogleEarth, but in real life.. the mountains.. seeing all the green slowly become trees.. the building and houses.. slowly you could see windows and swing sets in the backyard.. the lights speeding this way and that on the roads turning into cars..
beautiful
to me at least

but i had too much time to think.. as usual.. and as usual, came to no conclusion. about anything.
just dreaming of the life in Seattle.. good and bad... how PERFECT that job is for me

((I DID GO HOME TO DO SOME CATCH UP/REMINDER RESEARCH SO I AM PREPARED DOUBLY.. on THE GOINGS ON IN THE MUSEUM>>> ART>> etc... thinking of intelligent questions i could ask/say during the interview to make them realize that i need/want this job soo much-without sounding like begging for mercy..)

as my uncle drove me back to his place.. i was filled with a warmth.. memories of growing up.. visiting various parts in seattle.. the smell.. the light drizzle.. the houses.. everything.. my grandma who did so much for me without really doing anything at all (my inspiration now and forever more).. Pike Place.. EMP.. the Aquarium.. the piers.. riding the buses.. HumBows.. lots of tantalizing restaurants.. and so much more.. good and bad... but it was a warmth nonetheless

and now i must get ready for the day.. see what it might bring.. i dont know.. but its going to happen anyway.

whwwww

ive been in and out of sickness for hte past long while.. including a trip to the ER early Saturday morning..
migraines
nausea
chills.. hot.. cold.. fatigue.. feeling as though i weighed 1.,00 pounds..
on and off
sometimes worse than others
but no fever
nothing came of the ER except some shots of benedryl
and then i suddenly felt stupid for going
and He was falling asleep.. or attempting to.. since he hadnt been able to for a long while due to his withrawling
which got so bad the other day i lent him $190 to ride 2 hours to pick up "something" to ease his pain

meanwhile
i bought him
Trainspotting
cuz it reminds me of him

and I told my work I was leaving 100% wed to fly out to sEattle to do the interveiw
i felt horrible
the wife.lady got all panicky and sad
the husband.man got all loud (as usual) and "Bah.. well do what you gotta do i suppose while we suffer back here"
and he gave me a hard time for using one of the take out menues that was on the floor to pick up some half eaten sandwich bread and cheese instead of my hands "THATS LIKE USING MONEY TO PICK UP GARBAGE"
and for taking a delivery order of just one sandwich.. which was $9.76.. and just down the street.. "I DONT DELIVER IF IT IS UNDER $10"
I dont like working when he is there.. he intimidates me.. i try not to let it..
I am going to miss waitressing.. even though I havent been able to enjoy the financial benefits since most of what I earn goes to him for some reason or another
Hes supposed to be quitting cigarettes.. In fact he told the place he is working this summer that he HAS quit.. 5 months ago.. and he still continues to sit around and do not miuch at all.. though occasionally he does go across the street to the house they are working on to help out..
but i do have that little ball of fear that the job is going to be too much for him.. physically and not being able to stop smoking or use his "recreationals" ..
..and when I was horribly sad that I might have to work in a different city than him I said "I don't think I could do the day to day without coming home and having you hold me"
He said, "I dont think I can afford to live in Friday harbor without you"
:(
so its money
not me
like my roomate from T-town
"Im sure going to miss your cooking"
not me
my cooking
I brought htat up to him later.. he got pissed off and left the room "You know its more than that"
meanwhile I was confined to the bed due to migrane.nausea./chills./sickness beyond any other
so i couldnt even follow
but i did.. and explained that I DONT HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO ANYMORE.. all the thoughts get jumbled.. i dont know whats right and whats wrong.. i cant even trust my eyes when they look down at my body.. or the mirrors.. or other people
he doesnt realize the extent of the struggles in my mind
i dont expect him to..
but he does know that when i collapse on the couch next to him.. he plays with my hair.. strokes my arm.. brings me up to hold him
and my favorite time of day is the monring when he sleepily reaches for me to hold me
or at night when we are laying in the bed and hes watching tv and im just holding on for dear life.. sometimes watching tv somethings thinking myself into a hole... or a plateau..

booked a flight leaving wed... coming back friday.. interveiw thursday
terrified
im not going to get it
but
im going to go in there like i am
and settle my mind

and of course
just my luck
there is no ferry service from Friday Harbor and Seattle.. so.. either him or the job...
:/
or i could visit him Saturday night to Monday night..
but then i would need to figure outhow to get to Anacortes from seattle without a car
and
and how to get to seattle with my stuff by the time the job starts (if i got the job)

and im hungry
but nothing is appetizing
stupid childrens museum for calling me and messing with my head..