Bad then okay then bad then good then etc.
He rolled into my place Thursday around 3:30 and immediately complained of migraine.. threw up.. and passed out..
My parents and brother went to a baseball game.. leaving him and i alone.. he went to sleep
i felt as though i should have gone with them.. cuz i mis my little brother... and wont see him.. nor my parents for a long time
I couldn't sleep.. so made him leave with me at 6 am. we drove.. well i drove.. a good 3 hours.. he drove 2.. we stopped in Nashville where he had a seizure.. in the parking lot of the Opryland.. SCARIEST thing ever.. he was all red and tight and muscles and veins bulging.. i remembered him saying if it ever happened to not call 911.. but I did.. I gave in.. I was sooo soo scared.. when he came to he had this glazed look.. was spittling.. and looked at me as if he had no idea who i was.. when the ambulance/fire/security came he told them that we had trouble cranking the car and thats why we called.. he was stumbling and stuttering.. I was confused.. did he make up that story to get out of talking to them? out of going to the hospital? I felt stupid..guilty for calling 911.. Finaly i stepped in.. "You had a Seizer!"
He didnt remember... I had no idea that one loses their memory after a seizure.. I felt horrible as he tried to answer questions like what day it was and everything. It was clear he was fine.. but they couldnt let him go until he knew the day/ec/
I wasted his time.. their time..
I wanted to drive us to St. Loius.. so we could go to the aRch in the morning.. take our time.. but we only made it to Mt. Vernon, IL when he saw a Motel 6 and made me stop. So i did.. crying silently.. frustrated.. traumatized.. tired of driving.. defeated..
He took and I drove us around an hour while he decided what to eat for dinner. I was mildly hopeful that he would eat something.. then I would be able to not feel like shit for eating dinner.. He chose a TINY burger.. and a milkshake that he didnt even eat.. I dropped him off at the hotel and drove to my refuge.. the grocery store..
I biught him candy. I couldnt buy myself anything except an energy drink for the next day and Pezz (YUM) which i had one little packet for my dinner..
He was asleep when i got back.. at 8.. I cried.. myself to sleep.. thinking.. What would my dad think if he knew.. How did i get myself in this situation.. I want to go home.. I want a life.. I want someone who will eat... etc.

Today was better..
We stopped at the St. Loius Arch anyway.. didnt go up it cuz it was too long of a line. but i LOVE that little museum down below.. on Lewis and Clark and Oregon Trail..
I used to read stories about them.. both adventures.. and create journals as if i were on one of those.. either Sacajewa's younger sister.. or i would create my own family for a wagon train.. journaling about the misinformation heard about the rich land of Oregon.. the promises it held.. what we were leaving behind.. fears.. hopes..
Driving across the prairie. seeing forever.. lasting forever.. We made it to Soiux City, IO
He cant sleep.
therefore neither can i.
We had dinner at 5
hes still not hungry
i am starving
but wont allow myself to admit it.. nor do anything about it
because I feel fat.. weird.. like a pig.. because hes not in the least hungry
HOW?
its been 7 hours..
:(
I need to be with people who actually eat
but at the same time.. i guess thiss is good for losing weight..

Badlands National Park tomorrow.. its only 387 miles.. I know we will make it.
and i know he wont be able to drive
but then again.. I cant sleep either.. so.. we shall see..