Well..
okay now..
This job
i cant Get it out of my head.. CANNOT stop thinking about how it is my dream job
but i need to be there for in=person inverveiws THIS NEXT WEEK...
my dad offered to let me use his sky miles to fly out there
but
do i need a one-way ticket? a round trip?
CAN i leave him? WOULD i? Would he follow me?

Position Title: Imagination Studio Facilitator

Position Function and Purpose: The Imagination Studio Facilitator assists in the daily operation of the Imagination Studio, a drop-in art studio where artists, children, and their families work together exploring the process of creating visual art. Primary duties include preparation and maintenance of art supplies, studio space, and program facilitation.

Position Responsibilities:

Preparation and maintenance of art supplies, studio space for daily and weekend programming
Contribute to development and implementation of featured art projects
Engage parents and caregivers regarding the relevance of artistic exploration to child development
Encourage children's self expression and material exploration through facilitation of programming
Support educational objectives for children ages 6 months through 10 years
Ensure a welcoming environment in the studio to promote a positive visitor experience
Education requirements:

Coursework in the arts and education field

Job Requirements:

Experience with arts-based youth programs, early childhood development, museum work

Additional Requirements:

Positive and optimistic attitude, strong work ethic
Creative thinker, able to work with limited supplies
Demonstrated dependability, reliability, on-time performance and regular attendance in past jobs
Experience and comfort working with diverse cultures, children and a broad audience age range
Able to lift 40 pounds
Excellent communication skills
Enjoy working in a team setting!

Schedule:

Tue-Sat 9:30-5:30

Compensation:

$10.00 per hour, with opportunity for increase after 90 days, subject to experience and performance


I dont know
it sounds too good to be true
but i cant face another rejection
and i cant afford to lose my waitressing if this one doesnt work out
its SUCH a risk
emotionally and financially..

SAD day
HEAVY sadnesss plagued me all day
so i cleaned
vacuumed.. scrubbed the oven.. the counters.. cupboards.. organized the pantry, freezer, fridge.. etc.
work was slow today.. 11:30-2 and only 2 tables.. but still made $7 for 2 tables..
between yesterday and the day before i made $140..
:)

today i got a call from Seattle Children's Museum.. looking forsomeone to facilitate their imagination studio.. basically i would get to work in an open-ended art room for kids.. and thier parents.. 9-5 tue-sat at $10/hour.
They want an IN-PERSON interveiw next week..
i dont know if i can afford to go out there for the chance that i MIGHT get a job at the place of my dreams...
,...or can i?

my eyeballs give me migraine problems... and i thought the hangovers were migranes.. but they persist even when i do not drink,..

I want to go across county..
i want to re-visit Yellowstone.. Bryce Canyon.. Crater Lake.. Hoh rain forest in WA..
i want to swing on swings

and i hate wanting
because it means the life you lead NOW is not satisfactory
i want to like my life the way it is..

well
i couldnt sleep last night at all
waiting for him to come back
worried sick that he was driving out there.. most likely high or hyped up on something or the other
he made it back at 2:30 or so.. i heard noises and he shut himself in the bathroom
heard something fall down and then silence
i was so scared
scared to open the door and see him passed out or worse
scared to go to sleep without him
needing him near me
sooo i sat down next to the door.. knocking softly every once in awhile until he finally heard me
and crawled out

but i realize
and i knew
and i know
its not HIM that made me so upset
it was the Xanax he took
he is not HIM when he takes those
hes become possessed.. intent on doing something... regardless

i ate for the first time.. real food.. and then felt like shit because i felt as though i lost control
ate
eat
so salty.. crispy.. Tortilla chips with a hint of lime and french onion dip
probably not the best idea. .emotionally.. for the first food
beacuse i have it locked in my head
about chips and dip..

and the car is on E
and i work tonight
and am soo drained.. emotionally and physically..

but still chuggin along..

for the icing on the cake
he left me for the night
to drive with his cousin
to get some :stuff:
and with $60 of my hard earned money
and my car
and my heart

i was crying
shuddering
shivering
feeling like shit when he left
emotionally.. physically.. everything
torn up
torn open
undone
neglected

but as i said..
i dont want to hold him back from living his life
i dont want to make decisions for him
if he wants to go
i will let him go
I wont go
i dont want to sit in the car 2 hours with 2 guys that are out of theirs heads on Xanax

and i couldnt sleep last night
thinking
of all i have given up for him
how much time, money, emotion.,.. everything i have invested
how distant he seems to me now
how soooo many people at work (customers and co-workers) compliment me on how pretty.. friendly.. happy.. exciting.. unique.. how i have this bubble of energy.. how i have this vividness.. this aura
and yet
my spirit is still smothered
but yet
when i am away from him i have this YEARNING
this LONGING
and i feel so comforted in his arms
but
lately
it seems hes drifting further and further
or maybe i am
i dont know
and i hurt
because if i DO leave him
where would i go?
what would i do?
I have no summer job lined up except in the San Juans..
Im past the date for the teaching in Thailand
I have no school.

and im tired of crying
and walking and reading to pass the time

guys flirt
older men.. and men my age..
asking me what i do during the day.. what i do for fun..
and i realize i am stumped at that question..
so i make up some fun life
I call him my :friend:
but when i came to work with a hickey they realized that he wasnt just a friend
which furthered questions and whatnot
and one particular guy saying things..
"thats not right.. a mans supposed to support.. a mans supposed to romance.."
blah blah blah

and im so confused
and lost
and sad
and stuck

I realized
part of my problem is that i have TOO MUCH TIME
NOThING to occupy my mind with
except little games
calories.
if i squirt some of the strawberry jam stuff into my hand and eat it.. it doesnt count
right?
except
its more than a tbsp..
which is 50 calories
a handful of Ohs cereal doesnt count if i just reach in the box.. no bowl..
but it does
110 per cup
and a handful is about half a cup
hover in the kitchen
talk myslef out of eating
nibbling
which doesnt count
but it does
it adds up

and hes still not proving himself
though i havent asked
is it selfish?
to ask him to DO something?
to ask him to go kayaking?
to ask him to eat some queso dip with me?
to ask him to help plan the trip.. where to go.. where to stay..
to ask him what hes going to do for moneY?
Hes going to get some from his dad
so he says
"Its all taken care of"
he says when i ask him
when i come home from work each time putting my change into the cotton candy bucket
folding the bills neatly, setting them aside so i can put it in the bank

i just need a therapist
i need to get lost in the woods
i need to explore
i want to go back to tuscaloosa
i dont like these extreme emotions
overwhelming

Is it weird that i absolutely LOVE being a waitress?
Last time i did it.. in Tuscaloosa.. and here
I get that rush when there is everyone in there
its like a strategy game to me
How many people can i make smile
while still making sure their drinks are full
and their food is hott
and I get their orders right
and still have time to make their day all that much more divine
The family is a real italian-new york family
the dad can be scary if he needs to be... but I know about those people who can be in your face.. but dont mean it.. they really are good people.. they put on a front
i havent felt his wrath.. but I hear stories..
They keep offering to make me anything.. for free
and it smells SOOO good.. and looks delicious
and i love watching the pizza slowly roll out of the oven.. watching the cheese bubble and boil like lava.. slowly browning.. if you put your ear close enough you can hear the sizzle

meanwhile
he still is doing nothing
still has not made any effort that I can see.. sits around.. does what he does.. doesnt eat.. and i can still hear him puking in the bathroom..
and it messes with my head
my mind.. my soul.. my spirit.. my heart..

and i feel scared and alone
beacuse i want so badly to keep my blind faith that everythings going to be okay
that hes going to be better when we leave
but he just seems so distant lately..
or maybe i am
and also the little window that i have to the real world.. .working.. communicating.. spreading my wings in that little way.. little bits of the day.. makes it harder to come back
but i do
because i do love him and need him...

Walking is beautiful
i love it
plugged in to my headphones
dancing to the music
closing my eyes..
FEELING it
MOVING with it
in hte middle of the road
(granted.. they are community roads.. houses.. side streets..)
i feel so much better
i can walk all day
with the music and the sun

I dyed my hair.. back to the rich auburn/true red..
it doesnt look much different
but that okay.. i DID something

food food food food belly belly belly food food eat eat noteat noteat noteat
blah blahblah

Maybe its this place
maybe its being around him.. feeling self conscious... dont want him to be embarrassed to be seen with me.. or that he doesnt eat much.. and i can hear him in the bathroom.. doing what he does.. or the afteraffects..
and with every time i hear him puking.. every gag..
my mind warps it so that it seems.. it feels.. like my body is all that much more big.. soft.. fluffy..
whatever you call it

BUT
job tonight..
"training"
they dont know i will only be here 2 weeks..
but i am going to inform them that there is a good chance I will be moving over the summer
which is true
in 2 weeks it will be "summer" right?

BAH
mental mind games

and every time i feel this way
its a tug of war
abstain
or
munch munch munch until it evolves into a binge..
to make me feel even crappier

HOW CAN PEOPLE GO SO LONG WITHOUT FOOD.. and not have problems.. and still be okay.. granted.. he has some some things contributing to the fact..
:(

at home i felt lovely
i actually felt smaller.. like i had lost some
and now im back to where i was..

yes,...
i went kayaking again
at home

I NEED YOUR OPINION/VOTE!

there are some days i feel pretty
and silly
so i take pictures
to keep that


please tell me which is best...

Theres a lot of temptation here at my parents house
->the scale
havent been on it in forever.. am scared to know what I weigh.. am scared to ride that ride again.. day after day.. trying to get it lower.. etc ect
-->the bathroom connected to my bedroom
far from where anyone is.. so they cant hear..
-->soo much good food
ice cream.. brown sugar/oatmeal.. leftovers..
--> being away from him.. and close to tuscaloosa and i want to go so bad.. but i also know it could easily lead to bad things.. hard situations to get out of..

and my parents cant help me out with money
and i dont think my grandparents are going to...

and i got a job offer on sunday.. to waitress at a pizza restaurant.. in Sunset Beach..
which i could take but i dont know how long we will be here..

OR i could go to tuscaloosa sunday.. camping down in Moundville.. gather up some friends who want to get away from A-Day
and then Sunday is Earthfest.. i LOVE that day.. playing on the Quad all day.. bubbles.. face painting.. kids.. families.. bands.. music.. old friends.. sun.. etc.

So.
my dads work filed for bankruptcy
I had to drive down to my parents to save my mom from her in-laws.
I was going to see if i could borrow some money to head out to WA.
but they all started harping on me for my tattoos... for not having a job,.. for not becoming a child life specialist... for this and that..
saying times are hard
no one has money
blah blah blah

BUT
I did have some realizations.. from him and I...

1. I was really sad... really upset.. we were going to go to Myrtle beach with his friend.. i was ready at around 10.. he had a headache. .so i went out and strummed on the guitar... Josh came out to sing while I played (though i never played anything he could sing to) and we went inside to hookah.. and Josh left me to go with his aunt... i continued hookahing by myself.. thinking myself into a whirlwind of nothingness..
his friend finally came at 5:30.. when i was in tears.. cuz i had mixed some rum and thinking thoughts i shouldnt and he and his freind kept going into his room and shutting the door and i knew what they were doing... the freinds gf stayed out with me for a but but then even she went in..
i do NOT like having doors shut on me.. being left out.. alone..
anyway... he asked if i still wanted to go
i couldnt answer
i just let the tears fall as i tried to put into words what i was thinking..
"....You gotta help me out here.. im in the dark.. i cant read your mind Penny.."

he CANT read my mind.
I CANT assume he knows whats going on in my head.

2. I was sad.. frustrated.. i had finally bought ice cream after a long time in the store with him debating what kind to get.. hoping he would share with me.. or that his mom or dad would eat some with me.. but he wouldnt tell me.. made me choose my own... (mentally exhausting...)..
and i had some... and he had some
and he puked.. (not because he was sick.. or because he wanted to.. or he ate too much.. its cuz of what he did..)
and the ED went hard core...
and i was crying .. but once again couldnt find the words..
i said it was the stupid ED thoughts.. that a normal person wouldnt understand.. stupid trivial stuff that mesed with my head..
he just said
"I dont have to understand..."
and kissed me on the forhead and hugged me..

and its true.. he doesn't really have to understand..

EDs are about CONTROL
I cant control what others think of me.. what they say to me.. how they react to me..
i have trouble saying no to people.. i have trouble admitting im sad..
i cant control a lot in life
the more that i cant control in life
the more i control food
i CAN control what i eat.. when i eat.. how much..
i can control by saying no.. by denying.. by hiding and tossing.. by puking.. by binging.. by accepting..
the more out of control i feel..
the more i strain to be in control of the foods...
i hope that makes some sense..

HA! the booger took a picture of me kayaking..
BLAH
is today
s BLAH
all day
all day


ive been holed up in my room with my new $130 hookah.. listening to music.. remembering. reminiscing of better days... good times.. missing the full fledged happiness.. not just the fleeting feelings
and friends
and i feel as though i have let down a lot of people in my life
and i hate disappointing poeple
and i feel that i think too much
and i hate the feeling of hunger
and i hate the feeling of fullness
because when i am hungry that means i am going to have to eat before too long or i will get ravenous
but at the same time i love it. i feel so light and free. that rumbling is like a motor that keeps me going
and i feel as though i am losing touch with people

and he is so good. so so so good.
i am in love with him and its wonderful.
but that doesnt stop me from getting bored.. sad.. frusted.. from crying.. from thinking too much.. from wanting to eat everything in the kitchen.. from wanting to NEVER eat again.. from denying.. from the bad ED screaming and clawing in my head..
but he can make me feel so goodddd.. not just (naughty) good.. but emotionally and EVERYTHING..
and hes REAL GOOD.. multiple times in the day/night..

but i did play guitar again today
and i can play Jingle Bells, Ode to Joy, When the Saints go MArching in, and Skip to my Lou
HA!
someday i will play REAL songs...
i hope..

OH! and i got a job scooping ice cream up in Friday Harbor for the summer :) unless some preschool emails me back...
YAY FOR WASHINGTON!! San Juan Islands.. mmmmm
cant wait

sadness reigns again
after such a lovely care-free day.. (other than when i got freaked out and went on a long walk-to look for swings..)
such SWINGS!
such vibrant swings~
mood swings i mean..
like
this morning i felt so amazing.. so confident.. went applying for jobs.. and even though i got some positive responses, i still feel like shit again right now
right here
down down down
and its pretty out
and im wearing jeans
and i never wear jeans
and he is so beautiful to me
and loving and caring and everything i could ask for

and i need to stop the thinking "once i -- then i will feel better." "once i --- then i will be happy again"
I can be happy here
i can
i can
i can
i just need people.. socialization.. to jump out of my comfort zone a bit.. to stop letting my body/thoughts get in my way
stop judging my day and mood on what kind/how much food i eat.

I hate how one second I feel lovely.. delightful.. pretty.. not so bad..
and i even pass some mirrors..
and then all of a sudden.. a certain angle in the mirror, a certain glance from a stranger
and it all shatters
and i fee like shit again


but i do the body image challenges.. tyring to prove to myself that im not all that bad..

I DID get to go swimming in the ocean today!
The other day I went to visit his sister and cousin in Wilmingon... we hooka-ed at 9:15 in the morning.. I bought a $130 new green hookah which i lovingly call either Gumby, Kermit or Kerropi (Japanese for frog).. he answers to all names.. ...went to mexican and iate chips and felt like shit and then we went to SWING on the SWINGS!!! like a little kid again.. and then I went back to their place.. and soon left
TODAY
they came to visit me!!
Well
to do their laundry
And we hoola hooped... and i decided thats the way im going to get fit.. widdle the middle..
i started off SOO sucky.. and then i loved it and got better and better.. on a roll!
And then i convinced him to ride with me to the beach..
but first to get a sno ball.. DELICIOUS
i havent been able to bring myself ot buy one for me in the longest time..
BUT THE OCEAN WAS SOOO MUCH FUN!
i got rocked and rolled and caressed and nearly drowned and knocked down and loved all by the waves.. one wave literally went over and on my head knocking me off my feet.. down and out.. scary! but soo soo so much fun!~
i invented different ways to attack the waves..
one being not smart when theres a big wave coming-kick it... my kick did not stand a chance against that wave . and i tumbled under the water again.. and again,..
i ended up smelling.. tasting sea water.. ocean all day..

He got a final offer/job out in Friday Harbor.. but its not til June..
i need him to help decide where we are going to stay until June.. so i can get a job.. i want to scoop ice cream

amaazing..

I was wrirting an email to my old theapist... and i came to some conclusions.. just by typing... love how that happens..

""yes I am done with school. I ended in May with a Bachelor's in Early Childhood Education.. went on to work as the art teacher for hte 2nd time in a row at the summer camp for kids with ADD and Autism.. most wonderful summer!! And then stayed on to work at their boarding/wilderness school for kids with Asperger's, age 12-18.. which proved to be too rough on my soul and heart due to the crazy rumors that ran rampant around administration.. believing the kids over staff.. and I left in October to just work part time at the pottery studio... until January.. I thought I had a job in Seattle so before I left to go up there for Christmas break I told my boss to find someone to cover for me because i most likely had a job. And I got back in January with no job in seattle and no job in Asheville.
So im jobless.. apartmentless.. but bouncing around until now im just staying with my boyfriend and his family.. playing the waiting game.. restlessness.. frustrations.. making all the everything more intense..
the goods and the bads..
But Since Kyle died i did A LOT of living. my first REAL boyfreind.. who got too boring because he was too cool and laid back and when guys would flirt with me.. the 2nd on.. alcoholic that got me drinking and holed up in his/his friends apartment for a bit.. asking me about everything i did and getting really scary when he got super drunk.. then i left him and now i have another addicted bf..
BUT DESPITE all that i still was able to have lots of fun.. get my pictures in the paper for painting faces and blowing bubbles and being silly with the kids at EArthFest and a huge plaque for over 900 hours of volunteering at Children's Hands On Museum.. interned at the Birmingham Zoo leading kids on tours around the zoo and holding animals from cockroaches to chickens to ferrets to owls... went on a week and a half long trip to Ecuador by myself to help out a volunteer project-COMPLETE spur of the moment thing.. booked it a week before spring break.. and spent my spring break cleaning poo out of different animals cages and feeding them and then hauling sand bags and huge 10 meter long bamboo trees and fixing muddy steps and playing "football" in the rain with some Germans, English and Norwegian boys.. Hookah parties at my house where i would cook some fun dish.. we would hookah.. paint coffee table anything goes.. vibrant colorful swirls or detailed pictures.. and Nintendo 64 Mario Kart racing..
"Since Kyle died I have really lived. A blessing in disguise.. that whole cliche "life is short" or :you only live once" I took it to heart.. wentout a lot more.. invited people into my life.. and allowed people to get close to me.. and stepping out of my comfort zone a little at a time.. following through with random thoughts and dreams.. more spotenaity.. but its also caused the greatest heartache the saddest everything.. the heaviest tears.. but it was ALL REAL and NOT ABOUT FOOD.. it was LIFE that moved me and caused me to feel.. and not mask it with the ED thoughts.
it really is amazing.
and im going to get back to that once I find something to do to entertain myself.. or we move to his job and i find something-even if it is a nanny or volunteering..
anyway.
im sorry
ha
your not my therapist anymore. I dont mean to ramble on to you..
I attatched one of my favorite pictures of me :)
OH! and i have 8 tattoos
Who woulda thunk, hey?
Okay. No need to reply if you dont have time. Its okay. I just wanted to
give you an update on life.. and how my theme this last year was
"You have to get over your fear of falling before you can soar"
~Dana B. (PennY)""""""

I want a cat
so i can be entertained
and happy
and laugh at the silly things he does
give him a unique name
like
Acorn.... Flopsy... Hotlips... Puddin... Scrwny.. Smidget


is it weird that the theme song to Jurassic Park makes me want to cry?

On my walk today.. for a good hour.. in the "tornado" winds.. listening to music.. thinking.. i went through every emotion possible.. cried.. laughed.. danced.. sat to contemplate.. blah blah blah.. cuz music makes me think.. emotionally..

I hate that i want to eat so so so so so bad
but i am not NECESSARILY hungry
but i haven't eaten a lot
but then again sometimes i lie to myself about what i ate
so i really dont know
but nothing seems appetizing
and its excruciating
getting up.. wandering the kitchen.. opening the pantry. the fridge.. even though i know exactly whats everywhere.. at any given second of the day.. moreso than anyone who lives here

I do want to go to Chinatown
i associate it with wandering.. exploring.. getting curiously fascinated and disgusted at the same time at their array of foods and their wrinkled old people smiling with no teeth.. yet still doing their best to sell.. shouting incomprehensibly LOUD and FAST like the announcer at an Auction.... wandering in anime stores for my brothers and finding all kinds of cute little trinkets and cartoony animals... Pokey Sticks and the Panda Bear snacks filled with strawberry or chocolate cream... stiting around the big round table with my cousins and aunt/uncle ordering all kinds of delicious hot chinese food and spinning the lazy susan in the middle of the table to get what i wanted.. the hot tea that was soo tasteless but soo addicting.. DimSum with my grandma where she would ask what every single thing was. and order pretty much every other thing even octopus and all kinds of curious foods so our table was filled with little chinese snacks-steamed, fried, baked, etc.

I also want to go back to South America
explore the jungle
get lost
go on an adventure
slid down the muddy hills and tumble into the river
blah blah blah

shitty day
BBID
(Bad Body Image Day)
EVERYthing i did.. everywhere i looked
i couldn't sit down
i couldn't eat
tho i did.. a bowl of defrosted frozen strawberries COVERED in coolwhip

nothing i do at all will help me lose
and it sucks
because i like dont big
and i hate that i love eating
and i hate that i love the hunger feeling.. eating away at me..
but i love eating
strawberries
saltines
grapes
a handful of chips here or there if i need something salty
salads
chopped and roasted potatoes with parmasean and garlic..

thats been my diet lately..
pretty much

and i keep cutting back
and nothings helping

but then we went to drop of little Taylor at her grandmas house
i love playing with her
but it also gets to me
because i see him wandering around
and i want to be with him
but Taylor and her neighbor friend keep following me around
so i play wtih them
entertain them
because i cant let them sit in front of that tv
morally i cant i guess
well.. i just hate to see them so braindead
so i bought
frosting... sugar cubes.. little cheap candies
and showed them how to build
and they went crazy with excitement..
and then i broke out toothpicks and mini marshmallows
:)

anyway
he and i raked the leaves in his grandparnts yard.. dug out rocks from the yard so the grandpa could mow
and i felt better
because i DID something
and then made the mistake of eating when i got back
and now feel shit again
but
it should go away..
it just kills me.. messes with my mind when he doesnt eat

beacuse i could tell you right now
EVERYthing thats in that cuboard.. that fridge.. freezer..
i could tellyou what he ate today.. what his dad.. Taylor..
versus what i ate
mmm

eating disorders never leave your mind unoccupied..

blue stained lips and lovely snowballs

Wow
I did the big test
the big dive
sucked it up and tried them on..
EVEN A 2 PEICE!!
granted.. it did have a little hangy down front part that covered my scar.. and boyshort bottoms..
those were the ones i got
white with flowers/..
i still cant believe i got a 2 piece.. and its not even a Tankini!
plus 2 little summery/beachy dresses

and walked around in the blazing sun with the windy breeze.. big earmuff headphones.. my new dress.. floating..
snowball.. BLUE RASPBERRY
so my lips were bright blue..
his were neon green from his choice of LemonLime
parading down the trails by the shore
his hand around my waist.. mine in his back pocket

and we got back
and i swept the kitchen.. wiped down the counters and spots on hte wall and fridge and bathroom and whatnot
vacuumed
dishes
laundry
i am on a ROLL today

we finally got smart last night
and turned on the overhead fan
after who knows how many hot sweaty nights
FINALLY
we got smart

Eating disorders are malicious things.

I cannot stop thinking about food
Again
Ot would it be “still”
?
And I hate it
And I hate my body
And I hate constantly thinking about what I put into my body
What I should have put into my body
What its doing to my body
Looking down and seeing my belly

I have been trying for so long
Little eating disorder habits
No real meals
No caloric drinks (except alcohol.. or sugar free cocoa)
Denying hunger
Hiding foods
Ravaging on food when no one is around.. hiding the evidence
That’s one of the worst/most embarassing things..
Is getting caught in a binge

“No… I’m not hungry..”
and then less than 30 minutes later I’m in the kitchen… craving JUST ONE chipthey look so tempting.. and end up devouring it..
and then cuttting a slice of cheese.. and then another..
getting to that point where nothing matters anymore except the next bite
I want
I want
I need
I need
More more more more

And then
The fullness sets in.. the uncomfortable heaviness..
The abrubt reality check.. looking around and realizing what I did..

The rapid merry-go round of thoughts.. the franticsweeping into the trash of the crumbs and empty containers..
The panic.. “what now?”.. the “what do I do now?”.. “How do I get rid of this?” “How could I have done this.. I was doing sooooo good. .and I fucked up.. cant even have an eating disoder right..”
The stumbling to the bathroom.. fumbling with the lights.. grab for the toothbrush.. knealing down.. pressing down on my belly and trying so hard to release what I had just eaten..
Nothing
Nothing comes out
Its done
Cannot be undone
Fuck

I cannto sit around and do nothing all day
And still be okay with eating
So I deny my hunger
To balance out the no movement
Calorie-wise
My eating disorder mind says it makes sense
My realistic mind says, “WHAT are you doing to yourself? An INACTIVE person needs calories to function.. to keep the heart beating.. to keep the mind thinking..”
The eating disorder mind says, “it can use all the shit she ate yesterday.. and the day before..,. She doesn’t deserve to eat if she doesn’t move around.. get out.. do something. Its just going to pile on even more..and she will NEVER be where she used to be..”
And the rational mind again, “Don’t be silly.. have fruits… whole wheat bread.. protein-peanut butter.. simple things to get you by then,..”
And the eating disorder, “BREAD? Even whole wheat.. NO. maybe some crackers. If she can handle that… and not fail again.. She will never learn..”
And the rational mind, “Well if you just eat NORMALLY then you WON’T binge..”
And the eating disorder “She doesn’t deserve meals. She cant handle them. She’s different. If she eats like everyone else… all is lost..”
And on and on
Every single time
The constant war

And then hearing him puking
Does NOT help
Because also when he does what he does he doesn’t eat
And usually just eats popsicles and jello.. strawberries.. sometimes a pickle..
HOW THE FUCK DOES HE DO THAT?
THAT IS NOT FAIR!!!
☹
Why can’t I be okay with that
Maybe I’d be skinny too
I hate being big
Sooooo much
And I hate thinking selfish thoughts
And wanting people to eat more just so that I can feel okay with eating what I eat…

Eating disorders are like monsters living in your brain.. they take over.. vice-like grip.. it doesn’t go away.. sometimes it hides.. or sleeps.. but it always is there.. haunting me.. convincing me that REALITY is not REAL and what he says is real.

Yes.. my ED is a “he”
After 3 treatment centers.. we realized my ED.. the way he talks to me.. or about me.. doesn’t address me as a person.. just as “she”.. and the put downs.. and the “she doesn’t dserve someone to love her” blah blah blah.. is similar to Kyle and how he talked to me..
And I know better
And that’s the worst
I am smart.. I know I am… and I know the difference between right and wrong… between reality and mind-fucking ED thoughts..
But I CANNOT give in to reality
I always succomb to the ED

And I want to be happy again
And I want a purpose
And I want to do things for people.. to interact.. to inspire.. to play..

And alcohol is my saving grace
But also my killer
I know I shouldn’t do it as much as I should.. due to my liver transplant.. but sometimes I do it BECAUSE of that
And also because it numbs
The thoughts.. the thoughts.. the pain.. the same.. the guilt.. the wondering..
And I’m left with a hazy cloud of thoughts.. a peaceful world of fuzzy thoughts
And I feel free
Even though I am sure its killing me