So.
my dads work filed for bankruptcy
I had to drive down to my parents to save my mom from her in-laws.
I was going to see if i could borrow some money to head out to WA.
but they all started harping on me for my tattoos... for not having a job,.. for not becoming a child life specialist... for this and that..
saying times are hard
no one has money
blah blah blah

BUT
I did have some realizations.. from him and I...

1. I was really sad... really upset.. we were going to go to Myrtle beach with his friend.. i was ready at around 10.. he had a headache. .so i went out and strummed on the guitar... Josh came out to sing while I played (though i never played anything he could sing to) and we went inside to hookah.. and Josh left me to go with his aunt... i continued hookahing by myself.. thinking myself into a whirlwind of nothingness..
his friend finally came at 5:30.. when i was in tears.. cuz i had mixed some rum and thinking thoughts i shouldnt and he and his freind kept going into his room and shutting the door and i knew what they were doing... the freinds gf stayed out with me for a but but then even she went in..
i do NOT like having doors shut on me.. being left out.. alone..
anyway... he asked if i still wanted to go
i couldnt answer
i just let the tears fall as i tried to put into words what i was thinking..
"....You gotta help me out here.. im in the dark.. i cant read your mind Penny.."

he CANT read my mind.
I CANT assume he knows whats going on in my head.

2. I was sad.. frustrated.. i had finally bought ice cream after a long time in the store with him debating what kind to get.. hoping he would share with me.. or that his mom or dad would eat some with me.. but he wouldnt tell me.. made me choose my own... (mentally exhausting...)..
and i had some... and he had some
and he puked.. (not because he was sick.. or because he wanted to.. or he ate too much.. its cuz of what he did..)
and the ED went hard core...
and i was crying .. but once again couldnt find the words..
i said it was the stupid ED thoughts.. that a normal person wouldnt understand.. stupid trivial stuff that mesed with my head..
he just said
"I dont have to understand..."
and kissed me on the forhead and hugged me..

and its true.. he doesn't really have to understand..

EDs are about CONTROL
I cant control what others think of me.. what they say to me.. how they react to me..
i have trouble saying no to people.. i have trouble admitting im sad..
i cant control a lot in life
the more that i cant control in life
the more i control food
i CAN control what i eat.. when i eat.. how much..
i can control by saying no.. by denying.. by hiding and tossing.. by puking.. by binging.. by accepting..
the more out of control i feel..
the more i strain to be in control of the foods...
i hope that makes some sense..