shitty day
BBID
(Bad Body Image Day)
EVERYthing i did.. everywhere i looked
i couldn't sit down
i couldn't eat
tho i did.. a bowl of defrosted frozen strawberries COVERED in coolwhip

nothing i do at all will help me lose
and it sucks
because i like dont big
and i hate that i love eating
and i hate that i love the hunger feeling.. eating away at me..
but i love eating
strawberries
saltines
grapes
a handful of chips here or there if i need something salty
salads
chopped and roasted potatoes with parmasean and garlic..

thats been my diet lately..
pretty much

and i keep cutting back
and nothings helping

but then we went to drop of little Taylor at her grandmas house
i love playing with her
but it also gets to me
because i see him wandering around
and i want to be with him
but Taylor and her neighbor friend keep following me around
so i play wtih them
entertain them
because i cant let them sit in front of that tv
morally i cant i guess
well.. i just hate to see them so braindead
so i bought
frosting... sugar cubes.. little cheap candies
and showed them how to build
and they went crazy with excitement..
and then i broke out toothpicks and mini marshmallows
:)

anyway
he and i raked the leaves in his grandparnts yard.. dug out rocks from the yard so the grandpa could mow
and i felt better
because i DID something
and then made the mistake of eating when i got back
and now feel shit again
but
it should go away..
it just kills me.. messes with my mind when he doesnt eat

beacuse i could tell you right now
EVERYthing thats in that cuboard.. that fridge.. freezer..
i could tellyou what he ate today.. what his dad.. Taylor..
versus what i ate
mmm

eating disorders never leave your mind unoccupied..