on and off and off and on
im here
im there
im with him
i give in
i gave in
i did it
i love itwe shall see
hes good to me
no real complaints..
i love it

despite my dreams/nightmares
im going to accept life as it is
i cry'
because he leaves me for someone
someone prettier
smaller
tighter
whatever
anything
everything
and i cry
and he holds me
which makes me cry more
because i dont know
but now
im trying so hard to just accept the present
let it happen
enjoy it
and not worry or fear the future.

I FOUND THE DAM!

^_^
I love kayak
I love it out on the water.. no distraction.. just free flowing thoughts.. nature..
I chased geese.. I skirted the edge of the islands..
ANd i found a dam
It made me sad.. the interruption from nature
then i got curious
what was beyond it?
So i paddled all the way far to the edge of the huge river.. parked the kayak among the floating logs.. hopped my way to shore and trekked up the cliff/hill and around the bend..
it was actually quite beautiful.. the gushing water.. like if you chomp your teeth together and spit out water inbetween...
the graying Spanish moss still hanging off the trees.. logs spurting up in the middle of the river.. the random small islands and splatters of the sea grass poking out as i tried to make my way through the maze..

its good to think
but i still haven't come to conclusions..
I cant stop thinking about him
but i also cant wait around for him to decide

So far..
i think i want to stay with my parents.. venture around a bit if people want me to visit.. but spend the days kayaking and treadmilling.. getting in shape.. taking care of myself..
and then
off to Thailand to teach English at $950 per month.. . May-Feb..

but things can quickly change
because i am easily influenced..

tattoos.. all 8.. as requested..

HIS tattoo.. $200.. native american indian art.. a catfish.. TOOK FOREVER!! :/


$85 my honeypot :) i love honey/..


$80 the CLAW!! supposed to be puff the magic dragon.. but i am quite easily influenced by tattoo men after a drink or two..


$120 a sparrow.. they carry the souls of the dead.. it wasnt suposed to be that far down my neck.. it was supposed to be back a bit.. but oh well.. and it hurts the worst.. NECK TATTTOOS HURT!! :( :( they have to STRETCH each inch of the skin,. tattoo it.. let it go.. stretch it again.. and tatt again..etc.


$100.. Native American whale jumping out of hte water.. He drew it.. i got it.. hes jealous :)


$130 YOSHI!! and baby mario~ dedicated to Kyle.. my brother.. he used to tease me about Yoshi and how Yoshi was a donkey and i believed him for the longest time..


$60 pretty pretty stars.. my favorite.. but its so hidden that no one can really see.. but so pretty..


$85.. MY very first.. in late august of 2008.. and now.. as of Feb 23 09 i have 8 tattoos.. :)

Last of the Mohicans..

ove the movie
love the music
.....

KAYAK!! :) :) :)

Kayaking
is
amazing

I went out for the first time in my life..
walked down to the peir in the community where my parents live.. free access to the waters, canoes and kayaks..
took my time figuring out the lock.. how to get the kayak out of the locks.. dragging it (tho not REALLY dragging it because iwas afraid to break it) to the end of the peir and putting it in the water.. getting in without tipping.. realizing i left my ipod and headphones on the dock... got back out somehow.. put it away.. got back in.. realized i didnt lock everything back up.. got out.. did it.. got back in.. realized i didnt have a lifejacket... got out.. unlocked it again.. got one.. locked it back up.. got back in.. realized i didnt have the paddle..
but
i finally made it out.. it was rough at first.. no idea HOW to use the thing.. i had my experience with canoes.. but not with kayaks..
:)
but i got roaring.. down the river.. nearing sunset.. looking out at the naked trees.. Spanish moss.. logs sticking out of the water.. i sat out there a bit.. cried some more.. decided it was getting dark.. headed back.. realized i was going AGAINST the wind AND Against the tide.. finally made it back around the island.. couldnt find the dock in the dark.. but finally made it.. after 2 phone calls from my mom
"Hello! where are you? This is your mom.. being a mom.. its time to come home.. its dark.."

so lovely to be surrounded by water.. hearing it lap up against the side of the kayak.. i really didnt want to come back in

and now i have blisters on my thumbs..

itsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokay

itsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokayitsgoingtobeokay
it really is
right?

i think i am just scared of not being needed.. not making an impact.. just passing though life.
i left him today
well
sort of
i went home
cuz he said he needed some time to think
so i left
and cried the whole way home
i cant help him as hard as i try as many things as i buy for him or for us nothing really helps in the long run

we stayed up last night talking.. well i think i did most of the talking..

i love when he wakes me up in the middle of the night... :)

i made cheese bread today... just as he told me the news.. i ended up throwing it away.. and tossing out the sweet tea i made for him last week which he never touched.. i worked hard on that too.. made 2 batches because the first one tasted not so good and i wanted it to be good for him

i hate that i am waiting for him to make a decision with his life before i decide what im going to do
but theres nothing more id rather do
see if he still needs me... see if he wants me to move with him.. if i should move on..
i gave up a lot for him
New Orleans Mardi Gras.. staying and keeping my parents company.. leaving Emily (altho that was mostly because my parents needed me but he sidetracked me).. the tattoos.. numerous potential jobs..
but at the same time
its worth it
because i do love him
and it scares me that i like him this much

and so i fade away into my eating disorder and crumble when I give in to food.. adding even more to the emotional mess i am in..
but
when he holds me or smiles or anything.. then everythings beautiful again

im lost
and
i never knew i could cry this much
my face hurts
my eyes are so dry, but the tears keep coming...
weird..

now what?

ROUGH TIMEs AHEAD!

I took him away from the source.. so.. things are still a little shaky.. but hes going to be over it soon..
I just cant sit around all the time.. that really is not me. I am not one to sit around all day. I need a job. I need people. I need movement. I need variety. I need excitement...
Once he figures out what to do with his life I will decide whether to pursue or to move off on my own.
If he goes to San Diego. I AM DOWN.
and why not? lots of opportunities.. a free place to stay... West Coast.. warmth... a whole new scene..
Or teach in Thaialand.
I would love to do that.. it just seems so unfeasible.. delayed gratification. I need things now. I really do.

and
i need to stop with the tattoos.
I love them
i really do
i do i do i do

i also love cheese
and bread
and my new thing now is STRAWBERRIES
chopped and dabbed in sugar.. mm...

killing me..

(starts at 1:12)



"look in my eyes.. all i wanted was you.. your killing me.. killing me.."

i cant stop listening to it
and cant stop crying

walking in on him today
was the scareiest thing in my life
looked as though passed out,,, wouldnt respond...

says hes going to bet better once we leave his parents house..
i dont know anymore
i want soo badly to beleive it
and everyones telling me to leave him
and
my hearts ttelling me to stay..

:(

He quit his job
we are both wayfaring wanderers..
nomads..
lost..
with no idea what to do..
and hes not taking it too well..
but thats okay
we chill at his parents .. down at the beach.. beautiful here.. hes beuatiful to me..
tattoo #7 as well..
a drawing he did while up in washington.. a fish.. pacific nothwest american indian style.. right in my back.. beautful.. big..
but
seriously
im sticking it through
because i beleive in him
and i do need him
as much as it hurts me when he does cettain things..

hes also amazing in other areas.. lots of bliss together.. and im fine just laying around with him
i love his family too.. they seem to like me.. talk to his sister.. talk to his mommma and daddy.. his daddys obsessed with the house they are building.. and we tooka tour of it..
i also like to tease ..
tempt
hehe
its a game to me
until i finally get him
wonderful
but
i still worry
and the other day
i cried harder and longer than i ever have before.. sobbing hard core.. had to go to the bathroom because i hate crying in front of people..
im trying to be strong
but its hard
and i cant keep it up forever.. driving all over.. pretendiing im not hurting too.. being strong for him.. tolerating what he does..
but
i imagine
its going to be worth it in the end
im letting him wallow for abit
and then im going to start pushing him even more... making him redo his resume.. send it out.. blah blah..
because
im in love..
and
its beautiful when it is
he gaveme roses this morning..and a box of chocolate.. but we both agreed to give it to his mommy instead..

We could go to San Diego and stay with his freind until we get on our feet.. find jobs out there.. or stay with my grandparents in Wenatchee, WA or to my uncles in FreMont, WA.. anywhere..
but i dont think he can leave this place quite yet

I LOVE MY TATTOO!

KYLE CEASE!!

FAVROITE!
BEST!!
AMAZING!
HAHA!!
LOVE HIM!!
DO IT!
COME ON!
COME HERE
LETS LAUGH
......
............
.................

Question..

Then again
in all my driving
i cant help but think
contemplate
wonder...

CAN you really swim in jello?
would you SINK??
would you get STUCK??
im sure it would make a difference it if it were solid or if it were crumbly.. smaller bits of jiggliness..

i swear to you
thats the question that i mull over while i am driving
over and over..
picturing the jello abrilliant blue color..

weekend UPDATE!

Its really depressing to be shot down by so many jobs... to not get a reply at all..

this weekend.. starting Saturday.. has been not fun.. disappointment after event after bad thing..
First.. left him.. he had to work.. :( after an amazing time .. i had to leave him.. but i understand.. he needs to work..
drove 5.5 hours to meet up with a friend who wasn't in town yet..
so i tried to track down a tattoo parlor to do another tattoo..couldn't find one..
so i parked and wandered the Quad.. among the shirtless frat boys playing endless rounds of ultimate frisbee...
it WAS a beautiful day... and it brought back wonderful memories of the good times I had laying around and painting out on the grass greeting random people as they walked by.. taking them hostage and feeding them cookies and other random things that I had.. making them paint with me.. wandering off to my place to indulge in hookah and homemade goodies.. music and N64.. .
Then she FINALLY made it!! :) And we visited her friend and the poor thing had too much fun the night before so fell asleep and didnt go out (until after I had given up and left on my own)
SOOO
I went to the bar.
met a friend
got abducted and attacked by my old roommate to the point i SHRIEKED like a banshee and dropped my drink (nothing was left)
got drinks bought
stared at some transvestite hookers that were in the same bar
saw my exes friend and unzipped one of his jacket pockets and found a bunch of condoms (the CONDOM POCKET)
ran into an old friend.. the tattooed up one that inspired me to get tattoos and gave me my first experience with MaryJane..
,kept getting texts from another friend who wanted me to go to his friends show (which actually was the reason hy I CAME to town in the first place.. but got districted easily away from it)
ended up MEETING with this old friend.. pretty much ditching Joe and my roommate.. knew I was getting into a mess but wanted it anyway...
we went to the house where everyone was rockin out.. chillin.. playing STS9 and talking... I kept thinking i should leave.. but never did... I should have.. i really should have..
got offered Lucy.. and when I realized the price he was asking (for me to F*** him) I kicked him in that area with my heels and bolted.. tried to sleep on the couch.. had to fight off one guy and ended up leaving and driving and parking in front of my other friends apartment and sleeping in the backseat of my car because i didn't want to call and wake her...
Had to drive another friend home the next day.. on the way down to Andalusia.. he didn't talk to me much at alll... which made it weird for me...
got pulled over for speeding.. 69 in a 55... cried my eyes out because of all that was gong wrong.. the cop let me off because I told him i was just dropping a friend off and on my way home (to Augusta) and he didn't want me to have to drive back to Alabama to do the court thingie so I got off free...
got home to Emilyss
waited for her
never showed
got rejected for 2 more jobs
i fell asleep early
no call from him either
wanted it
wanted to call him
but i dont want to be the needy little lady... tho i kinda am.. i just dont want to be
and hate that i cant stop thinking of him
and my dads work is VERY near shutting down
and my Moms getting worse
and so i drove home today
only to have them yell at me for not having a job
again

i just feel lost
aimless
homeless
unwanted
unworthy

with everything thats going WRONG in my life lately.. hes the only thing thats going right... even though hes got his own issues.. i do too though.. so...


Want to watch Trainspotting..

want
a job that is not TOO strenuous.. not TOO mainstream.. not TOO corporate.. not TOO far from wherever it is i want to be
a therapist
a kitchen to cook and experiment
a big trampoline to jump and play
friends and hookah time and play time and hug time and singing and talking and chilling and N64
and i dont want to grow up
and i am too scared to check my bank account
and i dont like driving al over the place
i need some sort of stability
i need this i nede that i want htis i want that i hate it
i want to be satisfied with my life
soon enough i guess...

toying with danger..

,mmmm
delicious
beach..
beautiful sunset
toying with dangerous territory..

i go from one to another..
this ones poison is scarier.. another level.. but so intriguing..
i watched today.. in the car..
felt all tingly.. shaky.. heart squeezed.. everything became fuzzy.. dont know if it was because i watched.. because i WANTED to also (he wont ever EVER let me) or because the smell got to me..

but
despite that..
despite everything
ive fallen
hard
and
he helps me too
so
its reciprocal.. and is so good to me
in more ways than ever

in other news..
NOTHIING
except
i realize more and more that i enjoy the danger.. the thrislll. the fun..
but it is so worth it
because i would do anything for him
and im scared for the day he doenst need me anymore..


ALSO
i want a kitty
and i want a job
and i made
RUM BALLS!!
SO SO SO SO FUN!~ :)_
delicious.. chocolatey.. rummy... mmmm..
go do it
try it..

ALSO
tattoo #6.. behind my ear.. stars..
#7 coming soon.. on the other side.. except with a moon as well..

help please...?

WHAT
is the difference
between loving someone
and
being in love with someone
...
?

the night of it all

6 times in 24 hours..
you know what im talking about

:)


anyway..
HILTON HEAD
is beautiful
quite so
though i hate it
because i got lost for sooo long
and it was after driving 5 hours
after not sleeping much the night before
due to bad dreams and perhaps canoodling
and knowing what i would have to face here

mom cried
mom rambled about Kyle
about Greg
drank a lot
all the while my dad looked at me with those eyes
as if he were trying to get me to know that they both loved me too.. its just the boys werent there.. so they were the topic of conversation
particularly Kyle
dad played music
brought out shots of Baileys in wine glasses a couple times
jibbered and jabbered about random things that made me laugh out loud
we played the music Kyle made
ate his favorite cake (Red Velvet) even though i really really dont like it.. i attempted it anyway (the frosting)

i told them about JP.. gave them bits and pieces.. my dad rambled on.. asking if his dad owned JP Morgan and if he did he should buy a hut in the Catskills and my dad would let me live with him.

my parents also got a 2 bedroom place
the 2nd bedroom with 2 twin beds
just in case i brought "a visitor"
cuz i had warned them

i am really glad that i went last night.
i needed that
i needed to not be with my family.
i needed to be held and to feel loved and special
and i got that
and my parents understand

anyway
when we alked on the beach we followed dolphins that were literally 6 feet from the gently rolling waves of the shore.. soo close...
pictures coming soon..