...my brain isn't exactly the safest place to be locked right now...

FUCK food.
seriously

I remember those days i used to live off of nothing but grapes.. sugar free cocoa.. popcorn.. maybe an apple if i was lucky..

"..I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed.."

I really do hate what i see in the mirror

I remember how free i used to feel.. so free and clean and empty and beautiful.. so fragile and delicate..
I remember the excitement when i realized my pants.. my skirt.. my dress.. was much looser..
little did i know how disgusting i looked...
i just remember the smoothness... the sleekness.. the slimness.. no bulges..
but then again i was literally a stick..
and gaunt..

but i was so tiny..
i looked GOOD in clothes (until i went too far)

A jounral entry from before:
I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light, light-headed; I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist -each time achieving another small victory of the will: one carrot instead of two, half a cracker, no more cereal. Each gain makes me stronger, purer, larger in my exercise of power... I have so much more control of my life.. of my body.. of my temptations than everyone around me..
But how do they eat? How do they laugh in between bites? How do they enjoy themselves? How do they eat so much without it ever showing when i give in just once and it shows up that day..?
I wish i could laugh again..


Eating disorders are a 24-hour-a-day fixation. They are with you from the moment you awake to the moment you fall asleep. Counting those calories, fear of getting fat, that's all you think about. They are your mother.. your brother.. your boyfreind.. your conscience.. your angel.. your devil.. your everything.. your life..

"Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight..." ---Sarah McLachlan

besides..
guys dont get off while with girls that are not skinny~tight~booby~etc.
just look at playboy.. and all those models..
..and everyone at the mall.. and walking on the streets.. how can i NOT see the difference between us? when it is so blatant..

sometimes.. theres a little voice that says i should do coke.. because that will make me skinny because i will be too wired to eat.. ive heard stories.. its a little voice.. but its tempting.. and its there.. and it echoes...

hello?
anyone out there?

Some ugly.. scary.. animal

Naked Mole Rats
.. such strangeness.. we used to see these all the time at the zoo..


Aye Aye


Axolotl


BLOBFISH!@!! (Psychrolutes marcidus)

BABBOON!!

.. or Sulawesi macaque?


..some Dog...

car ride thoughts,, The Beach.. travels..

Just say yes
Never turn down an invitation
Be ope for adventures
Keep your mind open
Don’t go travel just to stay in aplace wehre you can get all the same comforts of home
That’s NOT the point of traveling…
WHY travel if you are just going to treat yourself as though you were at home? Whats the point in that?
Talk to your neighbors
Talk to who your sitting next to..
It may lead you off on an adveture…
You don’t even need to travel to do things like that..
Just talk to the person in line next to you.. strike up a conversation with a stranger…
Approach people you don’t know as vehicles of knowledge.
Believe in things not seen.. Listen to your heart.. listen to your soul-not necessarily other people
Do what first comes to you… usually that is the right way.. the right answer..
It is when you hesitate.. second guess yourself… that you begin to wander into the realms of disbeleif.. in yourself..
You are the one you have to live with the rest of your life
So, you need to learn to live with yourslef first.. believe in yourself first.. love yourself
You are the author of your own autobiography.. only you can dictate what happens.. where to go..

The key to traveling is to do it with other people.. find a partner.. or a group of people.. people you can trust.. who have certain skills like guitar playing or giving good hugs or knowing the area or how to build a fire or speaking the same language… people you can laugh with.. play with.. joke with.. pick up boys (girls) with.. or just someone you can sleep with, although that would make me nervous because I would be nervous he would want to take advantage of hott girls from different countries.. and I don’t want to face that heartbreak

The movie, THE BEACH,
I watch it over and over.. wanting that.. wishing I could just pick up and travel for a long time like that.. make friends along the way.. learn tips and tricks along the way.. have a drink or a smoke with a not so stranger..
I REALLY think that their litle community on the island is amazing… multiculutural.. self sustaining.. with Austrailians, Britians, French, German, American, etc…. living together.. working together.. learning each other.. teaching each other..drinking and playing together..
A boy with hair.. hair I can run my hands through… somewhat shaggy.. somewhat unkempt.. I don’t like those preps with upturned collars and perfect bodies. In fact I am not a fan at all of muscles and musclemen. Icky
I want someone to eat cheese with.. someone to eat bread with.. someone to sit around with and watch a movie or tv occasionaly.. but also spontaneous and somewhat dangerous thrills to keep me entertained..

hate those dreams..

Have you ever had one of those dreams... where you FIND someone.. someone hot.. that thinks your hott too.. and then leads you off.. to find a room.. or anywhere..
i felt the ANTICIPATION of it all
i felt the THRILL as i realized we were going to do it.. and NOT on a bed... somewhere scandalous
i felt the DELIGHT that someone actually liked me enough to want me..
i FELT it all.. like i wasnt asleep.. the colors were vivid.. i could feel his hand in mine as he gently tugged me along as we wound around the aisles trying to figure out a discreet spot.. .

and then i woke up
to my mom muttering out loud that it was snowing.. opening the curtain to let in the blaring white light from snowglobe world outside...
and i felt it all wash away.. as the realization sank in that it was all a dream
and it wasn't going to happen..

Christmas Eve :/

Christmas Eve..
I asked my parents quite afew times to stop by the grocery store.. I needed some Reisling... they never.. but we did spend who knows how much time looking for a Guitar Center for Greg.. 2 of them...
We went to my aunt and uncles... my mom wouldn't let me have her wine because shes possessive.. and usually drinks a whole bottle herself anyway.. my aunt hesitated.. asked if i wanted a glass.. I heard the strain in her voice as though she didnt WANT to offer it to me, but felt as though she had to... I declined.. not wanting her to resent me.. besides i was warned not to drink because it would make me look "worse off" ..
We played Trivial Pursuit.. i was on a team yes.. but got stuck sitting on a stool.. no one asked for my opinion and when i DID try to say something-whether it be witty or helpful- no one seemed to heard me..
No one asked me questions about my life... they asked my 2 cousins.. and Greg.. my parents. everyone.. not me~
My cousin whom i used to play for HOURS with.. was gone most of the night out with friends and then brought home a friend.. not a word was said to me.. no attempts to include me..
its kinda sad how sometimes when people grow up.. grow apart. i understand that.. we live in completely different worlds.. but still.. she didnt do a thing.
My mom went off on me later about what i SHOULD do with my life and why my life wasnt going where it should and blahblahblah


-BUT-
We did get to go sledding! :) I had this plastic disc... I would FLY down the hill for a bit.. spinning around.. ending up zooming down backwards and then ALWAYS tumbled into the snow drifts..
Cold
soggy
delicious fun
:)
Sledding.. ohh myan.. brings back soo many good memories.. BIG hills.. a series of hills that would be perfect for a giant slinky.. jumps and ramps built up on the bottom... going and going and going until you are soaked all the way though.. trudge home in exhausted delight.. strip off the layers of wetness and sink into a chair with a warm blanket and mug of hot cocoa ":)
i feel aliveeeeee playing out in the snow~!

..little story-2! ...

Overlake Terrace.. where my grandpa now resides.. where my grandma used to.. utnil she fell down the stairs and hit her head..
Yes, it is an old folks home.. there are 3 floors.. as you go down their functioning level does too.
They both used to be on the top floor… they moved to the middle floor.. that’s when my grandma fell.. soon thereafter, my grandpa moved down to the bottom.
We visited him today.
LAST time we visited him it wasn’t so bad.
This time, it really.really.really. creeped me out..
There were old people passed out and sitting on random couches and benches all over the place…. Mostly dead to the world, eyes shut, mouths open, ragged breathing..
There were people wandering around.. vacant eye staring ahead.. and when their gaze shifts to you, it bruns..
We followed my grandpa as he wandered around the hallway that ended up to be a circle. Around and around we went… passing the painted bus station and pictures of Audrey Hephern and little babies that are glued to the wall so they wont try to remove it and take it with them.
One of the rooms has a crib with piles of blankets and babies that are half clothed, their blank eyes staring up at nothing, their arms stuck straight out hoping to be picked up. One of the babies is on the floor, naked, with her diaper nearby.
“Can anybody help me?” says a faraway voice from the frail body in front of me.. her whispy snow white hair has large clumps missing where the bare skin on her head shines with pock marks.
Theres a lady to the left stumbling with a rather prominent hunch checking every door handle, muttering to herselp, “Ohh,.. no vacancies.. that’s pretty good.”
There were two ladies on one same couch.. “It’s almost over” one muttered. It looked as though one sat down.. a little later the other one down too, not noticing the seat was already occupied.
One guy, as he was walking down the hall took off his shoes and left them in the middle of the hallway, continuing his joiurney in mismatched socks.
We opened the door to my granpas room and were hit with the musty stench of urine. Apparantly, he forgets where the bathroom is and so he pees right next to his beed.
There was a lady who was following us for a good bit who rambled on in some sort of gibberish… at one point we stopped and when I turned around, she was standing right in fornt of me and I jumped..
It was like I was in a real live scary movie..
I had to leave early.
I couldn’t handle it
I don’t want to be like that
I don’t want people to have to take care of me like that

...little story...

“Are you drunk?” He asks, squinting his eyes and peering into my eyes.. my soul.
Why? What would it matter tyo you? Does it make me less of a person that I cannot seem to chill with a friend wihtout a drink? Do you want me to be drunk? Will that make it easier for you to put your moves on me? Don’t jusdge me.
“No!” I protest, wrapping my arms around myself tring to deflect his gaze.
“Okay, well I’m going to pour myself a drink” He causually turned around and saunters into the kitchen.
I hear bottles open, glasses set down, lids twisting, ice clinking, liquid poured, doors shut. I lean back and let myself sink into the couch lost on a trian of thought. What am I doing here? How did I get myself in this situation? Its been over 7 years. I felt nothing when he leaned towards me. I felt nothing when he started playing with the straps on my tank top. My mind is preoccupied with other pressing matters.
Should I move back to Tuscaloosa? Back to where I went to college and work at the Children’s Museum. Live amongst my friends that are either still in college or stuck in their lives as I am. Live within distance of the only two boyfriends I’ve ever had and that ever openiy cared for and loved me. Should I put myself in that sitiuation where he wonders why I don’t call and then calls me in a fit of drunken built up anger and I have to talk him down. I wish so badly for him that life would be better to him. But hes got to be better to life too…
Should I stay back in Asheville? Land of the hippoes? Land of the free? Amongst the beauty of the East Coast mountains, head shops, dreadlocks, Rainbow Kids, oak trees with their colorful leaves puked onto the floor in a bed of soggy autum colors.. JP-visiing him when he’s off work all the while worrying he’s going to kick me out before its time to go to sleep. Harayz-the inspiration and bright spot in my ife who is now taken by a beautiful girl. Alysa-crazy dynamic18-year old girl with no fear and full of vigor and lives for sexual encouitners of all kinds. My job-Carina and her baby Orlando and everyone that visits me there like Cynthia and sweet German Julius.
Should I drive all across the country with no chance to see either of the 2 people that make me want to stay back? Arive at work mid January working only weekends and some evenings, setting up little shows to teach parents about teachable moments. How folding laundry can teach children to sort colors and patterns and count. Blindly move and find some sort of affordable housing in the Emerald City where everything is so very exspensive. Hope for the best and that I will be able to find another job that will help keep me afloat.
Should I give up on living conventionally? Throw my hands up to society and jump in the car. Fly around the coutnry with no time constraints, no worries, no cares… Meeting all kinds of people in all kinds of places. Tasting life in everty city possible… Become a road gypsy until I’m pleasantly exhausted and delighted with life and every waking moment.

“Here, I made you a drink! My pecial. I know you will love it.” He returns, setting the glass in front of me. The sharp clink of the glass hitting the coffee table makes me jump.
I look up at him and the world blurs as ir ealize in horror that tears threaten to fall.
“Are you okay?” He settles down on the couch next to me. His arms begin to wrap around me as I shoot my arms out for my glass. I gaze into it, enjoying the whirlpool I am creating.
“Yeah.. I;m okay…” I shrug him off and put the glass to my lips and let the sweet liquid flow through me. Yes, I lied. This was my second drink. The first one I poured was not meausred, just slogged together a few things to get my mind off things while he was out helping his neighbor. Yes. I am a liar. He knows. He doesn’t care. He just wants me drunk. Same old same old. I feel him inching closer again.
“HEY! Guess what I bought the other day!” I explaim as I jump up form the couch. I run over to my bag and fish around for my Nerf Dart Gun. Before he even knew what was going on, I squeezed the trigger and let out a shot.
BANG..
I see him crumple into the couch and realize my aim was a little too good. RIGHT in the eyeball.
Well.. that will keep him away for awhile. I try to hold in my laughter, but can’t. I explode in uncontrollable laughter. Is that the alcohol laughing? Or me?
“I’m sorrY! I totally did NOT mean to get your eyeball!” I manage between my giggles. “You can take a shot at me if you want. You can hate me if you want.”
“No.. no.. I;m fine.. just give me a minute..” He gasps out as he struggles to open his eye that seems to be ever reddiening.
I still cant seem to stop laughing. I inch forward towards my drink, hoping that will quiet me. Somehow I manage to run into the light swtich and the room goes awash in darkness. My first reaction is that my LASIK surgery failed.. even though I had it done a good while ago. I can’t see a thing except blobs. The window stands clear on the other side of the room. Outside I can see the naked trees being weighed down with a 4 inch coat of snow. Immediately I turn away as I start seeing monsters and faces peering in. I stumble forward and manage to reach my drink and take another gulp. I close my eyes hoping that when I open them I will be back in Asheville.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t want this. I don’t want him. I don’t want whats bound to happen. I want what doesn’t want me. I want a job. I want to not be lost anymore. I want..
I rest my cheek on the cold coffee table and close my eyes slighttly as I hear the couch squeaking. He’s getting up. I hear the faint rustle of his pants as he moves around the room. I woonder what he’s doing and faintly remember that it is still only 9 pm. I wish I would have gone with my parents. I wish I would have couchsurfed with someone and not stayed with someone I hadn’t seen in 7 years iand I knew wanted that one thing from me. Empty words that are attempts to make me feel pretty fall flat in my mind. Too many fakers. How do I know when they mean what they say?
I recall the bed is upstairs and felt like a musty oven. I am not going up there. I turn my head toward the window again, hoping the creatures aren’t looking in at me again/
“You owe me now you know…” I hear his voice carry though my thoughts. He sounds so far away. “C’mon, get up here. Don’t sit on the floor. How can that be comfortable?”
“I’m good. I’m good. I like the veiw from here. I can see the stains on your couch. But don’t make me look out that window” I mumble, probably incoherantly.
I hear his cackle of laughter beyond the misty world around me. Why does he sound so far away?
Once again I hear the rustle of clothes and fel a rush of air and realize he is now right next to me.
“Come on, you’re tired. Let me take you upstairs.” He begins to wrap his arms around me.
“No! No, I’m not tired.” I wriggle away from him. “Lets play Scrabble/”
More laughter.
“I’m not trying to be funny. I WANT to play scrabble.” I pout.
“I may have that up in my room.” He replies.
Without thinking things through, I believe him. I grasp the handrail as I head upstairs. Each step seems heavier and harder to climb. I feel his fingers on the small of my back pushing me along. I realize he lied. There is no Scrabble board up there. I know I cant go back. I’m not a fighter.
I don’t want to want anymore. If I could make one wish, it would be that I wouldn’t have to wish anymore.





Song for the moment.. “Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots” Flaming Lips

some thoughts..while listening to Iron and Wine..

Iron and Wine "Boy With a Coin"
...this song makes me dance...

I want to dance to the drums
and be swept away by the guitar

I want to gaze at the art on the walls
and see what I want to see in them
not what you're SUPPOSED to see

i want to drift to sleep to music floating through my mind
and wake up to someone crawling into bed with me

I want to touch peoples lives
but not hurt so much when i have to leave
and they dont seem to care

i want to play and dance and be me
and not have to constantly compare myself in my mind
to all the prettier, skinnier, more liked girls around me

I want to not hesitate so much
and have more confidence in myself

I want to create a beautiful mess
with corn syrup and food coloring
or any other form of colorful chaos



I want people to say what they mean
and mean what they say

I want someone to eat cheese with
or cheesy fries
or cheesy tots
because my ED wont let me eat them by myself

I want to sink my feet deep into the sands of the beaches in Thailand
and smell the spices and sweat wafting through the air
and hear the pandemonium around me

I want to go to on a safari in Africa
see the vastness of the savannah
see the dusty emptiness
and look for animals
as i looked for Waldo as a child

I want to go to Italy
learn to bake their bread
on a stove oven
hot, fresh, crusty and soft


Iron and Wine "Dark Eyes"
..another song that makes me move...

I want to road trip with the windows down
blasting the music and laughing
stopping at random places
no time restraint
no expectations
and not have to drive the whole time
and ALLOW myself eat the random fun foods we happen across

I want to go to the Taj Mahal
and see the epitimy of love
standing tall and proud and beautiful
for all to see

I want to not be alone anymore
make superficial friendships
and then hide away
when they get too close to me
beacuse i cry too easy
because i hurt to easy
beacuse i get attatched too easy
and want it so bad
but wont ever let myself have it

I want to meet someone at a bar
and go home with them
let myself do it
just once
to say i did

I want to keep beleiving the good in all people
and learn that its true
that people really do care
that people really don't like to hurt people
emotionally
physically
sexually

I want to stop wanting
and start doing...

.
Iron and Wine "Each Coming Night"

forgot a song~:)

one more song..
to get your heart pumping...

bagpipes... soo intense..

Kyo.. AND songs for the moment..

Explosions in the Sky "Your Hand In Mine"
.. reminds me of Kyle.. i usually listen to music when i sleep.. i woke up this morning.. this music playing.. not knowing where i was and tangled in the pure white sheets of my uncles guest bed..
I miss Kyo... i really do.. as mean and horrible and after al that he did to me..
i still love him
and i forgive him
we will think of you.. our first Christmas without you.. only 14 months older than me.. after 4 long years of cancer.. you were soo strong.. i got scared for you soo much.. it snapped me out of my stupid ED.. realized how selfish i was..
not eating for the sake of making myself feel pretty.. better about myself.. and it only made me spiral worse downhill and hole myself up further away from living and life and people that potentially care.. i didn't LET anyone care.. i wouldn't let anyone in
...which is why its so scary for me to do it now..
i want it so bad.. but i realize now why i protected myself so much
it was safe to be so seperated from others.. holed up in my room-staring contest at the box of cereal,.. knowing that if i did open it i would devour it all.. food does not fill the void.. never has.. never will
yet i find myself still craving it more and more.. i used to AVOID it all at all costs.. now i try to fill the void with the foods.. but only feel even more shitty..
Kyo's death jolted me back to reality though.. made me start living.. and i started FINALLY living this January/Febuary..
first boyfriend ever.. first relationship.. first everything.. then Aaron-the tattoed drummer that ran 2 blocks after me to invite me to his show-introduced me to the green goodness in February.. then March my 2nd bf introduced me to alcohol.. and to how it can change people into scariness.. and then the letting go even more.. exploring more.. getting hurt more.. learning more.. healing more.. teetering between hiding away to keep safe and not hurt anymore and getting OUT there.. meeting new people.. putting myself in situations i would never imagine myself to be in.. meeting people that inspire me to do things i never thought i could (thank you Harayz)
sometimes i do think i want a relationship.. love.. etc. but i find that i also have ADD/SUPER gemini and get distracted easy.. bored easy.. seduced easy.. and dont want to get into something and then get distracted.. though that doesnt mean i still want someone to want me.. and i was fine.. for a short time with Dan.. and with Kevin.. though poor thing isnt doing too well now.. though he IS trying..

anyway.. some quote i heard one time floats to my mind..

sometimes people put up walls-not to keep other people out-but to see who cares enough to break them down



Tracy Chapman "Give Me One Reason"


:Mario Kart Love Song:
... goes along with my tattoos.. :) i just need to add more to the scene with yoshi..
but actually.. a beautiful song..


"touch me" Cast of Spring Awakening
//STILL love this song.. about touching and orgasms and experimenting and the beauty of it al.. getting lost in the moment..
ha~ thanks to Emily BooKS and Laura Lazar.. ohh how i wish we could hookah again.. like old times..


"Wagon Wheel" Old Crow Medicine Show
always a favorite.. fun.. round the campfire type of song..


Matt Nathanson "I Saw (Acoustic)"
(the song doesnt actually start until 1:30.. but forward to the song if you have to.. its preTTy)
what amazing lyrics~ i love going to sleep dreaming of this~ :)

pretty pretty pictures...

someday ill have that..

snowglobe seattle

"Hamster on a piano eating popcorn"

Karl showed me that.. ha!

..im getting the travel bug.. REAL bad..

Karl and i were looking up plane tickets.. deciding routes.. places to visit when i go to places..
i really want to backpack around Europe.. do what my dad did.. what many people do...
but i REALLY dont want to do it alone...
i need someone to experience it with me.. i need companionship.. someone to nap with..

or just road trip across the US.. ;) whatever works..

im scared though. .to give up this conventional life of whatever it is i am doing with my life.. i know my PARENTS dont want me to do what i want to do.. but with all my heart and soul i really want to do this.


FAVORITE SONG EVER!!


The snow here is sooo soo prettty.. i just need someone to play in it with me.. get silly.. marvel at its wonders.. suck it up from the air.. taste it.. pour liquidy goodness into it and eat it like a snowcone.. build castles and snowmen..

coming to seattle.. everytime.. i fall in love with this place over and over again.. i really want to live here... but there are things i dont want to leave behind.. but the more time that passes the more im accepting of it all that goes on back there.. its hard but yea..
JPs message to me did make me want to cry though.. blah blah that he will never forget me.. that its good for me..
i just want someone to want me enough to DO something about it..
too many too many poeple saying things to make me feel good that dont mean it.. empty words.. empty promises..

and i believe it every single time.. which makes it hurt worse every time because i KNOW better

but yea..
i do stll set out tobeleive the best in everyone and everything.. open up my eyes and arms to everything that happens...
say yes rahter than no
follow through rather than make excuses
which is why im visitng John tomorrow when i was nervous too..
and perhaps visiting a couchsurfer the next night even though i will wake up on Christmas Eve at his place..
but its my parents really that get in the way.. because my mom does not want to do things for me that are slightly out of the way but will make my life so much happier.. i mean.. i can live with just sitting in a hotel with my parents crowded on the floor.. but theres soo much more out there calling me..

we shall see..

TOMORROW is the day i visit the childrens museum where i may or may not work and move to..

Mike Thompson.. screenwriter,producer..

Mike Thompson.. the screenwriter i met last night..

-wrote many episodes for the tv miniseries "John Doe"

Dragonfly (he wrote this movie!)




Here he is also.. hanging out on the set of his movie, "Traveling"..written by Mike Thompson... wiht Jennifer Anniston, Aaron Eckhart, Martin Sheen, and Judy Greer..

Mike Thompson can be seen at 0:35 with his sunglasses and cup o coffee.. as well 2:20 tlaking to some old dude..
they shut down pike place market to do this shot here.. most of the filming was done in Vancouver BC.. tho there were some shots at Pike Place and some at the troll under the bridge here in Fremont.

(that youTube thing is not all that exciting.. no need to watch it really.. i just got excited)


He also played a role in the independant documentray, King of Kong.. cute little movie.. true story.. about my uncle's freinds from high school...


He also has a couple movies that are being filmed that he wrote and is also producing..

Night out..

What a beautiful city..
:)
slipping and sliding all the way to thebars..
LOUD music..
STRONG drinks..
Karl's friends came to meet us..
one was a screen writer.. who owns a HUGE house and has all kinds of stuff that you need.. any and all.. hot tub.. crazy fun parties.. on the water..
i told him about couch surfing. and he got inspired and started texting himself ideas and stories and mementos from our conversation so hed remember better tomorrow.. he had long hair and a long coat and drove a new Range Rover with his pipe right neXt to him..
i also met up with 2 other fellow couchsurfers..we 3 agreed that the bar was mch too loud, crowded and not all that exciting.. they moved on.. i stayed back.. tho i may play with them tomorrow

there supposed to be a crazy storm here tomorrow.. strong winds.. cold.. 4-6 inches of snow..something like that. i dont remember the exact numbers since numbers jumble after a night like this

i dont know
being here inspired me... makes me want to live here again.. sooo soo bad..
i just wish this stupid job werent part time and instead were full time.. with benefits.. then i would feel better about moving so far away..
its so pretty. so pure. so fresh. oceany. green. beautiful.

i just want a bar that has board games to play while you drink.
that would be just perfect

or just someone to experience all of this with me
i wanted to call a couple people tonight.. soo bad... but i remembered just in time of the 3 hour time difference and decided i didnt want to wake them at 2 or 3 in the morning..

ahhh oh wel..
goodnight

Fremont.. Seatle.. Cooooooool Uncle..

weeee O weeee
staying wit my uncle... in the beautiful Fremont.. "Center of the Universe"
seriously.. there is a sign here that says so..


I managed to get here after fun on the buses.. getting from Tacoma to Fremont.. only $3.00.. but had to stand out in the cold snowy with flip flops on.. there was a brawl in the back of the bus from 2 black ladies fighting over space for their purse.. they were kicked off the bus with bloody noses

Karl and his friend and i kicked it all afternoon.. splitting a bottle of wine.. chatting.. laughing.. soon to be going out to the bars.. hearing his stories about his travels.. hes got $$ and hes not afraid to use it.. Argentina.. Switzerland.. Rio DeJenaro.. Thailand.. Veitnam.. etc.

being here.. hearing about people talk about different places here in Washington.. makes me want to move here even more.. the crisp clean coldness.. the hazyness from the rain.. everyone bundled up with coffee in their hands with somewhere to go.. the people running around talking to themselves and the sky.. millions of coffee shops..
but Fremont..
Fremont is THE PLACE to be..
oi loves it here

buses are fun places to see people.. sometimes i talk to them.. sometimes i just dream in my head where hey came from.. where they are going.. make up stories in my head.. watching the couple with the girls head cradled in the mans shoulder with him occasionally kissing her on the forehead.. the old bag lady who occasionally pursed her lips and made that funny noise while rubbing her wig back and forth on her head.. the mother with her little son half curled up on her lap, their arms and fingers intertwined..

so interesting to see it all happen..

makes me wonder what people think when they see me..

anyway..
off to get ready to go out with my uncle :)

wrapped up in you..

It frustrates me so much that i miss people soo much that dont miss me in return.. or at least they dont seem to.. no signs point to it..
Here i am.. wishing i could be back in Hendersonville/Asheville with 2 people that dont seem to miss me.. no messages no nothing..
one did call at 11:45 at night the day after HE left ME.. even though that last night he was in town he pretty much didnt want to see me.. and i most likely wont see him again before i move to Everett.. if i move
the other, we were supposed to meet up the night before I left, but he had things to do... and wasnt online when he said he would because he was sick..

I get way too wrapped up in people..



Trey Anastasio (from Phish) ~ "Ooooh Child"

such a beautiful song


Everything is still up in the air for the Seattle Trip..
plans are NOT set in stone and keep changing.. Im scared to commit because i dont know how to get to peoples houses.. and figure out how to lug my luggage..
i just need to suck it up
seriously

I did get pulled over by the PoPo the yesterday... they searched my car and everything.. did the pen test where i had to follow it with my eyes.. took out all my stuff and set it out on the side of the road and had their dog sniff through it and the dog almost ate my loaf of cheese bread
mostly it was because i was "swerving" (I was trying to get cds from the bottom of the car) and then busrt into tears to the point i couldnt talk when he came to my window...
apparantly one of my friends had weed in their pocket at one time when they were in my backseat.. and the dog found it.. along with my pipe..
the PoPo didnt get me on that though.. he let it slide (he said something about how South Carolinas not too harsh on that law)
but did get me for no license..
I was playing iwth my nerf gun in my car as i was waiting for my parents to arrive to take me home.,, i was anxious, nervous and upset and needed something to distract me and that was the closest thing.. the Popo came over took it from me and only returned it when he gave me my $285 ticket..

THE BIG MOVE!

Okay..
SO i finally had the interview with the children's museum in Everett
it went wonderfully.. i suppose i won her over.. wants me to visit to see the place where im going to work in January..

wow..

now i have a
BIG
decision to make..

Leave everything i know..

my job where i love everything and learn more and more about pottery and the kiln everyday.. have regulars that come visit... Carina takes good care of me and makes me german food and Orlando the kiddo is soo adorable
Harayz.. my inspiration,, the one i WANT soooooo badly to travel with.. soo mysterious and different than anyone i've ever known.. had such adventures.. i want to make some with him!
JP.. cant even put into words..
Asheville.. the vibes.. the atmosphere.. the hippies.. the fun.. the freedom...

Start over new..
new job (its part time.. weekends and evenings/special eventS) but at least i get my foot in the door
drive ALL across the country
figure out how to get stuff across the country since it wont fit in my bug
i already have a place to stay and a lovely fun roomate...



BUT
BIT
LAST NIGHT WAS AMAZING

Alysa and I went to Papas and Beer together after failed attempts at trying to get people to meet us there..
I had a margarita.. ((RASPBERRY)) .. bean dip (FREE!!..or rather COMPLIMENTARY with the chips) and scraped off the sauce from her burrito~ :) (low on money)
Then we went to Wal Mart, saw a bouncy ball.. a "sky ball" and were intrigued.. "I wonder if this really bounces.." and we tested it out... and it FLeW up nearly to the cieling and across 2 aisles!! that was the hardest i laughed in a LOOONGG time
We also bought Nerf Dart Guns...

the kind taht holds 5 at one time.. drove up and down main street here in Hendersonville.. and we sniped.. ha! drive by shooting~ :) soo much fun.. then i would drive back around and ask them for my darts back.. if they didnt give it back i would shoot them again! Alysa just sat in her seat and laughed the whole time callin me crazY..
Then we went to some random guys house.. for kicks.. a stop on the way home,... sniped them.. took a shot.. got a little freaked cuz one guy was gettinga little too close.. so we left..
i went home.. slept like wow.. i woke up about 6 hours later and felt as though i slept for a week..

now im about to leave.. trying to remove excess baggage from my place.. but its soo hard to part with things..
i know i will still use bubbles.. glitter.. rubber duckie collection.. markers.. crayons.. paint.. blankets/tapestries on the walls..
everything i have IS essential..

now.. off to get some 3 cheese bread and try not to eat the whole loaf on the way home.. say one last goodbye to my boss.. and then OFF to Augusta to renew my drivers licenses and fly out Thursday

fun times~ TRYY IT OUT!

yo should try
drizzling corn syrup on a peice of paper (has to be kinda thick-like cardstock or whatnot)
dropping a drop or 3 of food coloroing in the drizzles
oooh and aaah over the swirls of colors that slowly emerge and curl around
stick your finger in and help the process
lift up the paper and turn it from side to side..
let the colors slide around on the paper..

BEAUTIFUL MESSS
lovely fun
never dries... (well.. after about a 3 day period or so it might be totally dry.. but until then if i you puncture the thickness it will goo....)
(:

come January ill be gone..

so

i now have someone to take over my place in early January.

I just need to figure out where im going.. what im doing.. where im staying

It was his last night last night.
I was soo excited getting back from work.,, one last night... but he was drunk.. fell asleep.. I went back to my place made caramel corn and went back to check on him.. he was awake.. saying how some people were going to come over but he didnt want them to and he didnt want to go with them... I stayed with him for a bit.. telling him about things.. eventually saying that i was REALLY going to miss him.. that a whole month without him was NOT going to be fun or easy.. I hate it enough when he is at work for 4 days straight...
After about 10 minutes he hugged me and then said- "Im going to go lay down now Penny.."
My cue to leave
.....
all i wanted was one last night.. NOT necessarily bedtime fun.. but sleep.. with him..

but no

I went home drank half the thing.... cried myself to sleep on the floor of my living room..

and even today im sad.. empty.. p[issed off.. hate myself/..
thats the thing.. I cant hate him.. I only hate myself..

and im going to be gone in January.. . when he comes back.. I already have someone to take over my place...
The world is at my fingertips..

I think
what i really want
more than anything
is for someone to want me

to SHOW that they want me..
to DO things for me.. to ASK me to stay with them.. to PROVE that i am worth something to them

i KNOW thats what i want
im tired of people.. "well.. whatever you want" or "I dont care"
I want "no, i DO want you to stay"
or.. "I need you"
to get to know me
not just to sleep with me
but to be with ME
and if it leads to sleeping.. then so be it..

somewhere over the rainbow..

All the mirrors in my place (theres only one actually) are turned around.. facing down or away.. I cant stand them anymore. I dont want to see.
I hate pictures of me too.. I look at them sometimes and cringe.. Is that really me? Is that what I really look like?
I need to stop eating.
Not like I used to.. but just tone it down... I really hate the way i look. I do. I am ashamed.

the kids leave today.. the ones I used to work with.. I was never able to go back to say goodbye.. I wrote them each notes.. I spent soo long collaging the outside of each with pictures that reminded me of them.. AND they were confiscated before Zack gave them to the kids.. now i fear they hate me.. lost faith in me.. think i hate them...
I cried to JP last night.. its all coming to an end.. he and all of the rest of the Talisman family are going to a party.. to celebrate the end.. I cried.. I am never going to be part of that family again.. I LIVED for Talisman.. SOO many good memories.. it brought out the best in me... helped me grow... get over things i needed to... Soo many freinds.. soo many memories..
Im not even invited.. Zack is moving out and Baily is moving in (January)
Baily is the one who got me fired
Which makes it even more urgent for me to leave
Which means i have to leave all of this behind

my job.. Carina-my boss who nearly cried when i told her i was leaving.. Orlando-her adorable 17 month old son who i love to play with and apparently i am one of the only ones he is affectionate towards... Harayz-making me do things i would normally never do... JP-being there for me when i needed it and more... Starr-I have to tell my landlord im leaving-but im scared i wont even leave... the beauty all around me.. the potential that is still out there...

Either way..
im pretty much fucked
im terrified.. petrified to move away... but i dont want to stay because i know it is not going to be the same..

I just really really dont want to be forgotten
i really dont want to be used anymore
I want more
yet
i HATE the fact that i want so much..

finding myself? or losing touch?

okay.. Not that anyone reads this.. but still i want to update it..
:)

Tuesday morning my freind messaged me, asking me if i wanted to go to Nashville with him.. for the night.. with promises of getting me back by work on Wednesday at noon...
Sooo many thoughts flooded my head.
It was an automatic "no"
why would i do something dramatic.. scary.. random.. with someone I barely knew.. for just one night.. ?
Yet.. by 2 I was in the car.. on the way to Nashville.
I squashed all my fears and just WENT. I need to stop being so intimidated.. stop living in my comfort zone..
Apparantly, Harayz had a 62 year old buddy that needed to get back to Nashville.. he was in Asheville visiting his daughter.. So Harayz accepted the invite for the free ride to Nashville.
This man.. wow.. firecracker.. old hippie.. It was surreal.. they were drinking Hot Toddy in the car.. they smoked a bowl or two in the car on the highway.. jamming to Grateful Dead.. listening to stories of his wild adventures..
Harayz and him (and another person or two i think) bought a bus at the begining of last summer.. they had met at Bonnoro in 2006 and had been freinds ever since.. ANYWAY.. with this bus, they knocked out seats.. put in beds and a bar and bathroom and all that jazz and recruited people to ride with them from New York City to San Francisco.... Called The Last Great American Road Trip
Captivating.. inspiring.. I WANT TO DO IT
He also told me of how he was a cab driver and one time he had this retired lawyer in the back of his cab.. drunk.. his flight left in 4 hours and there were no bars open.. so Bubbie took this man and his friend home to his house, fed them booze and the retired man offered Bubbie a ride to Ireland and free stay with him as long as Bubbie drove them everywhere.. this dude wanted to travel but wanted to stay drunk..
Why not"?
I commented on how I wanted to travel.. but didnt have the money..
No opportunities like that ever come to me.. I DO keep my eyes open
If there was someone who was lonely.. would pay for my expenses to travel with them.. it is soo on.. Though.. I would need to meet them and be sure i feel comfortable .. I am WELL aware of potential possibilities..

Harayz and I went to this bar.. live music.. i felt the energy flow through me.. It was amazing.. the band wasnt all that amazing.. but the live music.. feeling the vibrations.. wanting so badly to feel that rush of being on stage.. lights focused-bright and blinding.. music all around you.. every touch of your hand sends out more tones and vibrations.. ohh man..

We made it back in time for work

but i was left wondering even more... WHAT am I doing with my life?
Am I finding myself? Is this who i am? Can I pick up and travel like I soooooooooo soo want to? Can I float round from place to place.. person to person.. not make any permanent connections...
but then again..
what am i doing here? $7 an hour job.. the person that keeps me going continues to fuck with my mind-whether he means to or not- AND he leaves Saturday and I wont see him till January 10th and who knows if I will even still be here!
I DO have job potentials in Portland.. Seattle..
but most of all
i do
i do want to just pick up
find someone to travel with
or a couple people
travel.. experience the world.. meet all kinds of people... make things happen..

Fun Links and Animal Mating Calls..

FUN LINKS!!!
Do NOT pass these up!!

1. Why it would rule to date a unicorn

among other things.. They Fart Glitter... Free Sleigh Rides...

2. Why you shouldn't date a tyrannosaurs rex

...You cant hold hands.. couples photos never turn out too well..

3. How To Turn Your Car Inoto an Unstoppable Murder Machine

(http://divisibleby0.com/murder/)
-..only 8 Easy Steps!!!


. Strange Mating Calls
..oooh wow.. (i am also posting all of them on here...

-Bird of Paradise-
ohh man... watch this WHOLE thing because the last 30 seconds.. im speechless..


-Lemur-
I agree.. if i heard this out in the wild i would FLIP OUT... pee my pants.. or cling to the nearest person


-Elk-
sounds eerie.. (the last minute and a half are not interesting.. so you can stop at 1:40)..


-Penguins-
FOGHORN!!!! or like that dude from seaseme street that bonks his nose to talk!!


-Manakin-
MOONWALK!! . "the only known case of a bird moonwalking" he aint got NOTHIN on Michael Jackson..


-Leopard Slug-
here is no "embed" link.. so i have to post the link.. you have to click.. and you have to watch! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FhVi4Z6CjZk)
ii do hate the sound of all the slimy.. winding and dancing around each other.. eating each others slime.. sliding down on a rope of mucus... its quite romantic and all.. but also sightly nauseating..

BEST WEEKEND EVER!!

Oooh Wow..
what a weekend..
Perhaps tops the list of crazy things i;ve done.. but SO SOOOO glad i did it

So.. for the whole Couchsurfers.com thing.. a mysterious "Nathan Arden" posted a message to everyone in the Asheville community saying that he was planning a road trip up to this Unclaimed Baggage Center in Scotsboro, Alabama.
I initially (as usual) was gung ho.. as time crept closer, i started chickening out.. in which Nathan talked me out of all my excuses.
As a result this past friday i waited anxiously as 2 fellow Asheville Couchsurfers picked me up at my place.. one, Harayz i knew from many times of texting/messages AND we spent one night at a bar.. the other i had no idea who he was.
We drove 8 hours to the little town of Scotsboro, Alabama... Harayz entertained by strumming guitar in the backseat and cuddling with my cuddle frog pillow.. Halfway through i crawled in the backseat with Harayz while we tried to stay warm and tell stories of our travels.. Harayz and i had already started on some drinking in the car so by the time we arrived i was quite giddy..

The party was already going.. delicious smells were drifting from the kitchen.. laughter and people were all over..
I do remember there was quite a time i was literally sitting on the heater, letting the warmth flow up and everywhere.. everyone asked me if i was doing my Marilyn Monroe impression.. i was JUST getting WarM!
We geared up.. drank.. mixed drinks.. sampled others.. talked... mingled.. went into the Roman Room for some black lights and herbal fun.. then back down to try to act "normal" and then back up.. 8 of us piled on a Queen bed.. up WAY past everyone else.. giggling.. hearing conversations on the other side of the bed and our side trying to decipher their mutterings.. all of us ending up in laughter.... then came the time where the talk slowed down and eyes were droopy.. i remember waking up at one point and seeing two hands caressing each other in front of me.. i was in the middle.. there were actually 3 people in between these 2, but they didn't care.. they wanted to caress each others hands.. i felt hands brushing.. touching.. feeling all over for a good 45 minutes until we all drifted off into a pile of sleep..
The next morning i woke at 9 am.. WAY before anyone else.. had WAY too much energy and ended up glittering everyone..
we hung around until noon or so.. Harayz strumming on his guitar... germans talking german accenty.. chocolate chip
pancakes and bacon and sausage being made.. i played soccer with one of the germans with a tennis balll.. INTENSE!!

At the Unclaimed Baggage Center.. WOW
It certainly is not small.. nor is their selection sparce... I bought Bongos, a Ukelele and a beautiful gold trimmed Sari. I saw everything from spikey heeled boots to Punky Brewster shoes to costumes for dogs to surfboards to a Compound bow (which i REALLY anted but was $450), burned cds, lacrosse set, tea set....
AND i ran into Julie and Nick!!! hugs and laughter and catching up...
AND i ran into Wade!! ohh Wade! ha~! i miss him~ we used to work at the Arboretum together and since he left (graduateD) in 07 i think ive seem him TWICE now.. such an infectious smile.. he needs to come couchsurf with me~
AND Trent came to visit too!! he initially went to the Unclaimed Baggage Center (which i had just lefT) and eventually showed up at the lodge where everyone was staying AND spent the night! SOO exciteD! i hadnt seen him in forever and i have him to thank for introducing me to couchsurfing.com.. I OWE him.. i owe him big times.. not JUST for that, but for everything else he has done for/to me whether he knows it or not..

Last night a lot of them went out to the bars.. since my license was expired i decided not to chance it and stayed back.. which was not a good idea.. down times brought out the thought tiems and i started cleaning like a madman to make it all stop.. People kept leaving to go cuddle down on the pier in the FREEZING.. or to bars or to wherever.. i felt like doing NOTHING..
Eventually people came back.. and the night culminated in the Big Ball war.. JP (from Birmingham, AL) and Trent and I vs. 6 or 7 on the other side of the room.. the rule was you had to bounce the ball on the floor before it hit or went to another person.. though i made my share of direct hits to peoples heads (NOT on purpose).... in the middle of it all.. the bar folk came back.. drifted upstairs or to bed... I played soccer with the tennis ball with my German friend again for a good long time.. was super tired.. went upstairs to check out the scene.. but it was boring so i went back downstairs and crashed, cuddled in a corner.. wishing for certain things that i knew wouldn't happen.. the hope still lingered..

Last day.. i woke at 6:30 with WAY too much energy.. helped the chef cook french toast and walked to the pier with him and made more breakfast.. jumped on peoples beds.. jumped IN some peoples beds (depending who they were and how badly i wanted them to wake up).. SLOW.. long morning..
At around 11 i went upstairs so we could all do one more Roman Round hit before we all split.. i think i got WAY too good of a hit because for the next 4 hours i was floating.. giggling.. feeling soo distant yet soo close.. lookin in the mirror and freaking out because i thought i had a lazy eye.. hearing people clap and feeling Trent hug me as he left and i kept my eyes closed feeling as though everyone was clapping for me.. wow.. it was a VERY VERY good feeling.. though i felt kinda bad because i felt VERY out of touch with reality..
slept the whole way back.. invited Harayz and Miguel in for cocoa and popcorn as i popped in my blacklight, cranked up the music and we chiled for a bit, recollecting memories of the weekend..
the weekind i can never
and willl never forget

SOO many new experiences.. new situations i had never been in before.. some were intimidating.. some were scary.. some were intriguing.. tempting.. fun.. intense.. delightful.. freeeing..

all in all
i am super glad i did it
and would LOVE to do something like this again.

Nor could i forget any of the people i shared the weekend with
ESPECIALLY
Nathan
Harayz
German Micheal (sp?)
Trent
Holly

thank you all again
and pictues will be up soon :)