Kyo.. AND songs for the moment..

Explosions in the Sky "Your Hand In Mine"
.. reminds me of Kyle.. i usually listen to music when i sleep.. i woke up this morning.. this music playing.. not knowing where i was and tangled in the pure white sheets of my uncles guest bed..
I miss Kyo... i really do.. as mean and horrible and after al that he did to me..
i still love him
and i forgive him
we will think of you.. our first Christmas without you.. only 14 months older than me.. after 4 long years of cancer.. you were soo strong.. i got scared for you soo much.. it snapped me out of my stupid ED.. realized how selfish i was..
not eating for the sake of making myself feel pretty.. better about myself.. and it only made me spiral worse downhill and hole myself up further away from living and life and people that potentially care.. i didn't LET anyone care.. i wouldn't let anyone in
...which is why its so scary for me to do it now..
i want it so bad.. but i realize now why i protected myself so much
it was safe to be so seperated from others.. holed up in my room-staring contest at the box of cereal,.. knowing that if i did open it i would devour it all.. food does not fill the void.. never has.. never will
yet i find myself still craving it more and more.. i used to AVOID it all at all costs.. now i try to fill the void with the foods.. but only feel even more shitty..
Kyo's death jolted me back to reality though.. made me start living.. and i started FINALLY living this January/Febuary..
first boyfriend ever.. first relationship.. first everything.. then Aaron-the tattoed drummer that ran 2 blocks after me to invite me to his show-introduced me to the green goodness in February.. then March my 2nd bf introduced me to alcohol.. and to how it can change people into scariness.. and then the letting go even more.. exploring more.. getting hurt more.. learning more.. healing more.. teetering between hiding away to keep safe and not hurt anymore and getting OUT there.. meeting new people.. putting myself in situations i would never imagine myself to be in.. meeting people that inspire me to do things i never thought i could (thank you Harayz)
sometimes i do think i want a relationship.. love.. etc. but i find that i also have ADD/SUPER gemini and get distracted easy.. bored easy.. seduced easy.. and dont want to get into something and then get distracted.. though that doesnt mean i still want someone to want me.. and i was fine.. for a short time with Dan.. and with Kevin.. though poor thing isnt doing too well now.. though he IS trying..

anyway.. some quote i heard one time floats to my mind..

sometimes people put up walls-not to keep other people out-but to see who cares enough to break them down



Tracy Chapman "Give Me One Reason"


:Mario Kart Love Song:
... goes along with my tattoos.. :) i just need to add more to the scene with yoshi..
but actually.. a beautiful song..


"touch me" Cast of Spring Awakening
//STILL love this song.. about touching and orgasms and experimenting and the beauty of it al.. getting lost in the moment..
ha~ thanks to Emily BooKS and Laura Lazar.. ohh how i wish we could hookah again.. like old times..


"Wagon Wheel" Old Crow Medicine Show
always a favorite.. fun.. round the campfire type of song..


Matt Nathanson "I Saw (Acoustic)"
(the song doesnt actually start until 1:30.. but forward to the song if you have to.. its preTTy)
what amazing lyrics~ i love going to sleep dreaming of this~ :)