...my brain isn't exactly the safest place to be locked right now...

FUCK food.
seriously

I remember those days i used to live off of nothing but grapes.. sugar free cocoa.. popcorn.. maybe an apple if i was lucky..

"..I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed.."

I really do hate what i see in the mirror

I remember how free i used to feel.. so free and clean and empty and beautiful.. so fragile and delicate..
I remember the excitement when i realized my pants.. my skirt.. my dress.. was much looser..
little did i know how disgusting i looked...
i just remember the smoothness... the sleekness.. the slimness.. no bulges..
but then again i was literally a stick..
and gaunt..

but i was so tiny..
i looked GOOD in clothes (until i went too far)

A jounral entry from before:
I've freed myself from this compulsion of eating. When I wake, I am empty, light, light-headed; I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist -each time achieving another small victory of the will: one carrot instead of two, half a cracker, no more cereal. Each gain makes me stronger, purer, larger in my exercise of power... I have so much more control of my life.. of my body.. of my temptations than everyone around me..
But how do they eat? How do they laugh in between bites? How do they enjoy themselves? How do they eat so much without it ever showing when i give in just once and it shows up that day..?
I wish i could laugh again..


Eating disorders are a 24-hour-a-day fixation. They are with you from the moment you awake to the moment you fall asleep. Counting those calories, fear of getting fat, that's all you think about. They are your mother.. your brother.. your boyfreind.. your conscience.. your angel.. your devil.. your everything.. your life..

"Let me be empty and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight..." ---Sarah McLachlan

besides..
guys dont get off while with girls that are not skinny~tight~booby~etc.
just look at playboy.. and all those models..
..and everyone at the mall.. and walking on the streets.. how can i NOT see the difference between us? when it is so blatant..

sometimes.. theres a little voice that says i should do coke.. because that will make me skinny because i will be too wired to eat.. ive heard stories.. its a little voice.. but its tempting.. and its there.. and it echoes...