somewhere over the rainbow..

All the mirrors in my place (theres only one actually) are turned around.. facing down or away.. I cant stand them anymore. I dont want to see.
I hate pictures of me too.. I look at them sometimes and cringe.. Is that really me? Is that what I really look like?
I need to stop eating.
Not like I used to.. but just tone it down... I really hate the way i look. I do. I am ashamed.

the kids leave today.. the ones I used to work with.. I was never able to go back to say goodbye.. I wrote them each notes.. I spent soo long collaging the outside of each with pictures that reminded me of them.. AND they were confiscated before Zack gave them to the kids.. now i fear they hate me.. lost faith in me.. think i hate them...
I cried to JP last night.. its all coming to an end.. he and all of the rest of the Talisman family are going to a party.. to celebrate the end.. I cried.. I am never going to be part of that family again.. I LIVED for Talisman.. SOO many good memories.. it brought out the best in me... helped me grow... get over things i needed to... Soo many freinds.. soo many memories..
Im not even invited.. Zack is moving out and Baily is moving in (January)
Baily is the one who got me fired
Which makes it even more urgent for me to leave
Which means i have to leave all of this behind

my job.. Carina-my boss who nearly cried when i told her i was leaving.. Orlando-her adorable 17 month old son who i love to play with and apparently i am one of the only ones he is affectionate towards... Harayz-making me do things i would normally never do... JP-being there for me when i needed it and more... Starr-I have to tell my landlord im leaving-but im scared i wont even leave... the beauty all around me.. the potential that is still out there...

Either way..
im pretty much fucked
im terrified.. petrified to move away... but i dont want to stay because i know it is not going to be the same..

I just really really dont want to be forgotten
i really dont want to be used anymore
I want more
yet
i HATE the fact that i want so much..