CONNECTION!!
After 3 days one teacher (out of 3 different schools) finaly emailed me! A 2nd grade teacher.
I am growing to love 2nd grade.
I got to hang out in the classroom today.. help out... read a book to them..
Its all wayy too fascinating to me. I LOVE it. Every classroom I step into only reinforces my curiosity.. my urge to teach.. the excitement for my own classroom someday..

JP got a job potential.. with OutWard Bound. Right up his alley... he would be doing outdoor/hiking/camping/kayaking semester programs with at risk students.... which would put him away. FAR away for at least a semester.. if not longer. I want soo bady to be happy for him.. to be encouraging.. but I want him near me.. and that job wil only take him further away.. and He SAID he was going to settle down.. Taking that job is not necessarily setting down.
My eyes literaly tear up at the THOUGHT of him being gone for so long... It has barey been 2 months since I left him this time and I struggle everyy day.

Why cant i find a friend? Why cant i go out on my own and make freinds by myself? Why dont I have confidence in myself? Why why whyyyyy cant I be okay with myself...

why cant someone just come and woo me and take me away from all of this.. show me what its supposed to be like..

Why does everything look soo awkward.. so disgusting on me..
never fails.

I can make a cd.. a soundtrack.. called "Sofia's hits"
the ones we listen to over and over and over and over
while shes in the shower.. while we are coloring.. while we are getting dressed...
I do love music..
and the music is quite catchy..


"Baby" Justin Beiber (babby babby babby OOHHH!!!!)
"Teenage Dream" Katy Perry
"California Girls" Katy Perry
"Tongihts gonna be a good night" Black Eyed Peas
"Soul Sister" Train
"Round and Round" Selena Gomez
""Break Your Heart" Taio Cruz

and im sure there are others... and will be others..
and im trying to turn her on to
Britney Spears... Beattles,... Micheal Jackson.. NSync.... Prince....
her dad hates those
and hes my dads brother
and he used to get me to do things that irritated my dad (in a HAHA way.. )
so im just getting back at him :)
=
We went to the zoo yesterday.. even though i think we only saw goats.. and went on a rollar coaster and a couple other rides and played on the playgrond.. and.... an hour lunch break
She told me she was going to find me a boyfreind.. I told her I already HAD one.. she said "but hes far far away. Hed never know. You must be lonely here. You need someone here."
kids say the darndest things.. (at 5 years old...)

Cali!
San Jose!
Thats where I am.
3 blocks from an In-And-Out burger.. supposedly the BEST BURGER EVER (by a vote of 2 or 3 people that I know quite well)
in a nice, beautiful house
living with a family.. relatives.. my dad's older brother, his Italian wife and their adopted Guatemalan 5 year old daughter.
They are a family of HIGH QUALITY
Shopping at Whole Foods, specialty stores for cheese, veggies, meat... and buy their wine from different wineries, including Peggy Flemming's winery (yes, she was an ice skater)
I get to wake up, get the little one breakfast and to school by 8:30. Then I pick her up from school at 2:40 and play play play until her mom gets home at 8 (though in that time frame I also have to get her a shower and dinner and snack..)
Not too bad.
Except it has NOT gone that way.
She got sick and so I have been home-bound since Tuesday.. and I am NOT good at being home-stuck.
And now I have come down with the sickness..

But she has been teaching me about all this new music.. how to "be cool"..
and so when she takes her shower, I play DJ and play Selena Gomez, hannah Montana, Justin Beiber and the like..
UNFORTUNATELY they are kinda catchy songs. so yes. I do sing along.

But my mind is still out of control in terms of body image/food issues..I am doing a LOT better when it comes to eating like crazy and now keep getting continualy frustrated by being stuck inside (nooo exercise, etc.) and everytime i look in the mirror my body grows or shrinks.. even when I look at myself, its different..
I did discover that the reason why my arms do look so "big" is because my arms have a lot of muscle! Go figure! I was flexing and moving my arm around and I felt it.. rock solid.. hmm..
I want to buy new clothes.. more variety, more funky, fun "Career" type clothes, but I just get so discouraged when I try clothes on,.. and when for some reason they DO look good.. I talk myself out of them or make up an excuse as to why it DOES look good for some reason...

I am still very excited to go back to school :) I want to be a teacher..
I am also very excited to go back home,, to JP.. I COULD book a ticket for the 4th.. before he is supposed to go down to Jacksonville to take his dad to some MAyo cLinic dow there.. which he may or may not back out of.. so JP does not want me to book a ticket for me to fly into Jacksonville... But I was thinking I was going to fly in the 11th, since it is the cheapest date to fly from here to there that I have found.. EVEN THOUGH it seems the majority of the nights i cry myself to sleep because despite the fact that I am with "family" (at both places) I still feel lonley and alienated from their family life.. which is to be expected, but it does not feel good in my heart./soul..

Stuck
is what I am
Stuck
in Buckley
basically, my schedule for today, next tuesday. wednesday and thursday is to get the kids up and ready for school.. walk them a block and a half to school.. and be there to walk them back home and hang around until their mother gets home (or dad.. whoever is first)
Which is fine and good and all
I adore the kids.
Its the down time
its the between time
its from 9am-3pm.
its the what do I do while the kids do homework and the parents do their own thing.
its the what do i do all day all alone with no car?

I walked an hour or more down the road and wandered aimlessly around WalMart and Fred Meyer... wasted from 9am-1pm..
and the emptiness
the being away from him.. from everything..
coming back to the house, unsatisfied with myself, my situation... feeling like I could do more (but what?)
and then stuffing my face with apple jacks from the cupboard.

and then getting angry at myself
and then vacuuming.. sweeping..
now i have nothing to do tomorrow...
the place is vacuumed, swept, dishes done, laundry done

I made dinner tonight.. Mac and Cheese.. and all three of the kids rejected it and either opted for the Easy Mac or a bowl of cereal..

And I dont mind walking walking walking all day..
i ust fear that the forecast predicts rain for the ENTIRE NEXT WEEK.
i guess that is what umbrellas are for.

Ok
so
heres the deal
I am leaving tomorrow for Buckley, WA to help out my aunt with her kids until November 6th. I fear that there will be a LOT of downtime.. and I am not good at that...
Then November 6th I am headed to San Jose to help out my uncle with HIS kid. I am hoping to be there long enough to pick up a job...
Starting in January I am (hopefully) starting the MAT (Master's of Arts in Teaching) here in Augusta at Augusta State University. It all happened so fast... I talked with the lady next door who is a teacher in that program.. I got interested.. Excited at being able to get a Master's degree in a year and a half to 2 years.. but terrified at being in one place.. especially with my parents..
JP is at home.. at his place.. going out of his mind with boredom.. trying to apply to anything and everything but there really is nothing in Sunset Beach, NC.
In fact, he called me tonight saying he was trying to sell his kayak.. his most treasured item.. in order to "get the h** out of here to someplace where there is something for me"
Of course, I freaked out a bit..
the reason why .. well A BIG part of the reason why I applied to this MAT program is because it is close to him.. But if he goes off somewhere.. Im stuck here in Augusta all alone.
It sucks that my parents moved here after I graduated so I know NO ONe.. I will meet people in school..
but it will be the same as when I was away from him in Hendersonville.. there will still be that emptiness in me.. that part that he usually fills..
And I am terrified
of school.. of the commitment.. the work.. the responsibility.. and then of becoming a licensed teacher.. thats a lot of responsibility as well.. so many rules.. so much preparation..
But I know I can do it
I am just terrified
I hate how everything is so up in the air. How I am going to be leaving at a time that JP is so frustrated with life.. how I cannot be there for him.. how we cannot be together.. how I fear that empty feeling inside of me that is bound to grow,..
But I must go to sleep now because the plane tomorrow is too early for me to be awake too late..

So.
This dude I have been babysitting for... the first couple days i worked for him he had no money to pay me.. the day i didnt work for him he finally got some money.. Today i worked for him again and at first he didnt have any money, but he was selling something to a friend and gave me the money instead, still he shorted me 10 but offered to let me use his food stamps card for some food.
I declined.
Later on, I asked him if he needed me tomorrow... and if he did, would he be able to pay me,.. Because I cannot work for nothing and I told him that.
He then freaked out on me.. sending me a text message 5 or so pages long about how my attitude pissed him off.. how he had been so nice to me. offering his food stamps card... paying me as he should..
And All i was doing was saying that I could not work for free... if he could not pay me I wasn;t going to do it because i cannot afford to work for free... I appreciate the help he had given me, even though it wasn't a lot of money.. and I appreciate the offer for the food stamps card, but i would feel bad using his food stamp card...
I was not trying to be rude..
I was just asking..
I felt bad
for his kids.. for him.. but he pretty much told me to F*** off and that he didn't want ot see me again and de-friended me on Facebook (ha!)
In my eyes, his reaction was a little childish.. overreacting.. but i still feel bad.. I didnt mean to make him upset...