Ok
so
heres the deal
I am leaving tomorrow for Buckley, WA to help out my aunt with her kids until November 6th. I fear that there will be a LOT of downtime.. and I am not good at that...
Then November 6th I am headed to San Jose to help out my uncle with HIS kid. I am hoping to be there long enough to pick up a job...
Starting in January I am (hopefully) starting the MAT (Master's of Arts in Teaching) here in Augusta at Augusta State University. It all happened so fast... I talked with the lady next door who is a teacher in that program.. I got interested.. Excited at being able to get a Master's degree in a year and a half to 2 years.. but terrified at being in one place.. especially with my parents..
JP is at home.. at his place.. going out of his mind with boredom.. trying to apply to anything and everything but there really is nothing in Sunset Beach, NC.
In fact, he called me tonight saying he was trying to sell his kayak.. his most treasured item.. in order to "get the h** out of here to someplace where there is something for me"
Of course, I freaked out a bit..
the reason why .. well A BIG part of the reason why I applied to this MAT program is because it is close to him.. But if he goes off somewhere.. Im stuck here in Augusta all alone.
It sucks that my parents moved here after I graduated so I know NO ONe.. I will meet people in school..
but it will be the same as when I was away from him in Hendersonville.. there will still be that emptiness in me.. that part that he usually fills..
And I am terrified
of school.. of the commitment.. the work.. the responsibility.. and then of becoming a licensed teacher.. thats a lot of responsibility as well.. so many rules.. so much preparation..
But I know I can do it
I am just terrified
I hate how everything is so up in the air. How I am going to be leaving at a time that JP is so frustrated with life.. how I cannot be there for him.. how we cannot be together.. how I fear that empty feeling inside of me that is bound to grow,..
But I must go to sleep now because the plane tomorrow is too early for me to be awake too late..