HA! the booger took a picture of me kayaking..
BLAH
is today
s BLAH
all day
all day


ive been holed up in my room with my new $130 hookah.. listening to music.. remembering. reminiscing of better days... good times.. missing the full fledged happiness.. not just the fleeting feelings
and friends
and i feel as though i have let down a lot of people in my life
and i hate disappointing poeple
and i feel that i think too much
and i hate the feeling of hunger
and i hate the feeling of fullness
because when i am hungry that means i am going to have to eat before too long or i will get ravenous
but at the same time i love it. i feel so light and free. that rumbling is like a motor that keeps me going
and i feel as though i am losing touch with people

and he is so good. so so so good.
i am in love with him and its wonderful.
but that doesnt stop me from getting bored.. sad.. frusted.. from crying.. from thinking too much.. from wanting to eat everything in the kitchen.. from wanting to NEVER eat again.. from denying.. from the bad ED screaming and clawing in my head..
but he can make me feel so goodddd.. not just (naughty) good.. but emotionally and EVERYTHING..
and hes REAL GOOD.. multiple times in the day/night..

but i did play guitar again today
and i can play Jingle Bells, Ode to Joy, When the Saints go MArching in, and Skip to my Lou
HA!
someday i will play REAL songs...
i hope..

OH! and i got a job scooping ice cream up in Friday Harbor for the summer :) unless some preschool emails me back...
YAY FOR WASHINGTON!! San Juan Islands.. mmmmm
cant wait

sadness reigns again
after such a lovely care-free day.. (other than when i got freaked out and went on a long walk-to look for swings..)
such SWINGS!
such vibrant swings~
mood swings i mean..
like
this morning i felt so amazing.. so confident.. went applying for jobs.. and even though i got some positive responses, i still feel like shit again right now
right here
down down down
and its pretty out
and im wearing jeans
and i never wear jeans
and he is so beautiful to me
and loving and caring and everything i could ask for

and i need to stop the thinking "once i -- then i will feel better." "once i --- then i will be happy again"
I can be happy here
i can
i can
i can
i just need people.. socialization.. to jump out of my comfort zone a bit.. to stop letting my body/thoughts get in my way
stop judging my day and mood on what kind/how much food i eat.

I hate how one second I feel lovely.. delightful.. pretty.. not so bad..
and i even pass some mirrors..
and then all of a sudden.. a certain angle in the mirror, a certain glance from a stranger
and it all shatters
and i fee like shit again


but i do the body image challenges.. tyring to prove to myself that im not all that bad..

I DID get to go swimming in the ocean today!
The other day I went to visit his sister and cousin in Wilmingon... we hooka-ed at 9:15 in the morning.. I bought a $130 new green hookah which i lovingly call either Gumby, Kermit or Kerropi (Japanese for frog).. he answers to all names.. ...went to mexican and iate chips and felt like shit and then we went to SWING on the SWINGS!!! like a little kid again.. and then I went back to their place.. and soon left
TODAY
they came to visit me!!
Well
to do their laundry
And we hoola hooped... and i decided thats the way im going to get fit.. widdle the middle..
i started off SOO sucky.. and then i loved it and got better and better.. on a roll!
And then i convinced him to ride with me to the beach..
but first to get a sno ball.. DELICIOUS
i havent been able to bring myself ot buy one for me in the longest time..
BUT THE OCEAN WAS SOOO MUCH FUN!
i got rocked and rolled and caressed and nearly drowned and knocked down and loved all by the waves.. one wave literally went over and on my head knocking me off my feet.. down and out.. scary! but soo soo so much fun!~
i invented different ways to attack the waves..
one being not smart when theres a big wave coming-kick it... my kick did not stand a chance against that wave . and i tumbled under the water again.. and again,..
i ended up smelling.. tasting sea water.. ocean all day..

He got a final offer/job out in Friday Harbor.. but its not til June..
i need him to help decide where we are going to stay until June.. so i can get a job.. i want to scoop ice cream

amaazing..

I was wrirting an email to my old theapist... and i came to some conclusions.. just by typing... love how that happens..

""yes I am done with school. I ended in May with a Bachelor's in Early Childhood Education.. went on to work as the art teacher for hte 2nd time in a row at the summer camp for kids with ADD and Autism.. most wonderful summer!! And then stayed on to work at their boarding/wilderness school for kids with Asperger's, age 12-18.. which proved to be too rough on my soul and heart due to the crazy rumors that ran rampant around administration.. believing the kids over staff.. and I left in October to just work part time at the pottery studio... until January.. I thought I had a job in Seattle so before I left to go up there for Christmas break I told my boss to find someone to cover for me because i most likely had a job. And I got back in January with no job in seattle and no job in Asheville.
So im jobless.. apartmentless.. but bouncing around until now im just staying with my boyfriend and his family.. playing the waiting game.. restlessness.. frustrations.. making all the everything more intense..
the goods and the bads..
But Since Kyle died i did A LOT of living. my first REAL boyfreind.. who got too boring because he was too cool and laid back and when guys would flirt with me.. the 2nd on.. alcoholic that got me drinking and holed up in his/his friends apartment for a bit.. asking me about everything i did and getting really scary when he got super drunk.. then i left him and now i have another addicted bf..
BUT DESPITE all that i still was able to have lots of fun.. get my pictures in the paper for painting faces and blowing bubbles and being silly with the kids at EArthFest and a huge plaque for over 900 hours of volunteering at Children's Hands On Museum.. interned at the Birmingham Zoo leading kids on tours around the zoo and holding animals from cockroaches to chickens to ferrets to owls... went on a week and a half long trip to Ecuador by myself to help out a volunteer project-COMPLETE spur of the moment thing.. booked it a week before spring break.. and spent my spring break cleaning poo out of different animals cages and feeding them and then hauling sand bags and huge 10 meter long bamboo trees and fixing muddy steps and playing "football" in the rain with some Germans, English and Norwegian boys.. Hookah parties at my house where i would cook some fun dish.. we would hookah.. paint coffee table anything goes.. vibrant colorful swirls or detailed pictures.. and Nintendo 64 Mario Kart racing..
"Since Kyle died I have really lived. A blessing in disguise.. that whole cliche "life is short" or :you only live once" I took it to heart.. wentout a lot more.. invited people into my life.. and allowed people to get close to me.. and stepping out of my comfort zone a little at a time.. following through with random thoughts and dreams.. more spotenaity.. but its also caused the greatest heartache the saddest everything.. the heaviest tears.. but it was ALL REAL and NOT ABOUT FOOD.. it was LIFE that moved me and caused me to feel.. and not mask it with the ED thoughts.
it really is amazing.
and im going to get back to that once I find something to do to entertain myself.. or we move to his job and i find something-even if it is a nanny or volunteering..
anyway.
im sorry
ha
your not my therapist anymore. I dont mean to ramble on to you..
I attatched one of my favorite pictures of me :)
OH! and i have 8 tattoos
Who woulda thunk, hey?
Okay. No need to reply if you dont have time. Its okay. I just wanted to
give you an update on life.. and how my theme this last year was
"You have to get over your fear of falling before you can soar"
~Dana B. (PennY)""""""

I want a cat
so i can be entertained
and happy
and laugh at the silly things he does
give him a unique name
like
Acorn.... Flopsy... Hotlips... Puddin... Scrwny.. Smidget


is it weird that the theme song to Jurassic Park makes me want to cry?

On my walk today.. for a good hour.. in the "tornado" winds.. listening to music.. thinking.. i went through every emotion possible.. cried.. laughed.. danced.. sat to contemplate.. blah blah blah.. cuz music makes me think.. emotionally..

I hate that i want to eat so so so so so bad
but i am not NECESSARILY hungry
but i haven't eaten a lot
but then again sometimes i lie to myself about what i ate
so i really dont know
but nothing seems appetizing
and its excruciating
getting up.. wandering the kitchen.. opening the pantry. the fridge.. even though i know exactly whats everywhere.. at any given second of the day.. moreso than anyone who lives here

I do want to go to Chinatown
i associate it with wandering.. exploring.. getting curiously fascinated and disgusted at the same time at their array of foods and their wrinkled old people smiling with no teeth.. yet still doing their best to sell.. shouting incomprehensibly LOUD and FAST like the announcer at an Auction.... wandering in anime stores for my brothers and finding all kinds of cute little trinkets and cartoony animals... Pokey Sticks and the Panda Bear snacks filled with strawberry or chocolate cream... stiting around the big round table with my cousins and aunt/uncle ordering all kinds of delicious hot chinese food and spinning the lazy susan in the middle of the table to get what i wanted.. the hot tea that was soo tasteless but soo addicting.. DimSum with my grandma where she would ask what every single thing was. and order pretty much every other thing even octopus and all kinds of curious foods so our table was filled with little chinese snacks-steamed, fried, baked, etc.

I also want to go back to South America
explore the jungle
get lost
go on an adventure
slid down the muddy hills and tumble into the river
blah blah blah

shitty day
BBID
(Bad Body Image Day)
EVERYthing i did.. everywhere i looked
i couldn't sit down
i couldn't eat
tho i did.. a bowl of defrosted frozen strawberries COVERED in coolwhip

nothing i do at all will help me lose
and it sucks
because i like dont big
and i hate that i love eating
and i hate that i love the hunger feeling.. eating away at me..
but i love eating
strawberries
saltines
grapes
a handful of chips here or there if i need something salty
salads
chopped and roasted potatoes with parmasean and garlic..

thats been my diet lately..
pretty much

and i keep cutting back
and nothings helping

but then we went to drop of little Taylor at her grandmas house
i love playing with her
but it also gets to me
because i see him wandering around
and i want to be with him
but Taylor and her neighbor friend keep following me around
so i play wtih them
entertain them
because i cant let them sit in front of that tv
morally i cant i guess
well.. i just hate to see them so braindead
so i bought
frosting... sugar cubes.. little cheap candies
and showed them how to build
and they went crazy with excitement..
and then i broke out toothpicks and mini marshmallows
:)

anyway
he and i raked the leaves in his grandparnts yard.. dug out rocks from the yard so the grandpa could mow
and i felt better
because i DID something
and then made the mistake of eating when i got back
and now feel shit again
but
it should go away..
it just kills me.. messes with my mind when he doesnt eat

beacuse i could tell you right now
EVERYthing thats in that cuboard.. that fridge.. freezer..
i could tellyou what he ate today.. what his dad.. Taylor..
versus what i ate
mmm

eating disorders never leave your mind unoccupied..

blue stained lips and lovely snowballs

Wow
I did the big test
the big dive
sucked it up and tried them on..
EVEN A 2 PEICE!!
granted.. it did have a little hangy down front part that covered my scar.. and boyshort bottoms..
those were the ones i got
white with flowers/..
i still cant believe i got a 2 piece.. and its not even a Tankini!
plus 2 little summery/beachy dresses

and walked around in the blazing sun with the windy breeze.. big earmuff headphones.. my new dress.. floating..
snowball.. BLUE RASPBERRY
so my lips were bright blue..
his were neon green from his choice of LemonLime
parading down the trails by the shore
his hand around my waist.. mine in his back pocket

and we got back
and i swept the kitchen.. wiped down the counters and spots on hte wall and fridge and bathroom and whatnot
vacuumed
dishes
laundry
i am on a ROLL today

we finally got smart last night
and turned on the overhead fan
after who knows how many hot sweaty nights
FINALLY
we got smart