I made it back from Spring Break.
NOTHING went as planned.
We never went kayaking on the river because he wanted to visit his friend on the weekend while he wasn't in school and it wasn't until we were halfway there that his friend told us that he was not home.
So we detoured to Hendersonville and around 1 am got the phone call that his sister fell off the 2nd story balcony. So we jumped in the car and I drove him 6 hours back to his house so we could be there for her.
and we were there
for the entire week
it wasnt so bad
I got to super deep/spring clean their house.. cook them some dinner.. help out with anything and everything that I could.
The sister is okay. She broke her neck, pelvis, some ribs.. and has to wear a halo for 3 months. but shes a tough cookie and at home now.
I just got back to Augusta today. The silence and loneliness is settling in again.
The realization of how long i have is settling in.
the exhaustion
I am sick too.. which doesn't help.. congested.. coughy.. sore throat.. etc.

but music helps keep me going
I want to transfer over to Asheville area to finish my MAT program, but none of the programs in the area fit what I want... though it would make me so much happier to have that change..

If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow this person to be your friend?
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What’s the most sensible thing you’ve ever heard someone say?
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What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?
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What is the difference between living and existing?
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What lifts your spirits when life gets you down?
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Why do we think of others the most when they’re gone?
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What is the difference between innocence and ignorance?
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If you looked into the heart of your enemy, what do you think you would find that is different from what is in your own heart?
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If you could choose one book as a mandatory read for all high school students, which book would you choose?
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When do you feel most like yourself?
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When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?”
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What would your ‘priceless’ Mastercard-style commercial be?
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If you could take a single photograph of your life, what would it look like?
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Do you ask enough questions or do you settle for what you know?
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Which activities make you lose track of time?
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What three questions do you wish you knew the answers to?
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When you meet someone for the very first time what do you want them to think about you?
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What simple gesture have you recently witnessed that renewed your hope in humanity?
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How would an extra $1000 a month change your life?
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These all come from my new favorite website... FULL of inspiration.. thought provoking little quidbits...

I am addicted to food.
I love hate it
yet.. everytime I look around me I see everything I am not.

I didnt used to be this way.
I used to be positive. I used to be excited about life.
I still am at times...

There were fireflies out the past couple nights... I used to LOVE them. how they twinkled and danced and frolicked and teased...
They didn't phase me.

I still go to the elementary school 2 days a week, I still teach some lessons. I still get very positive feedback on how I interact with the kids and can relate to them and encourage them.
Yet, all that rings out for me is when they say "You need to work on classroom management" (I KNOW this. I KNEW this. I am working on it. I am not as soft/passive as I used to be. I step in when I need to. I don;t allow certain kids certain privileges if they don't show me in their actions that they earn it.. etc.)
Or
they say "Look more professional" or "Don't wear that again." (I was wearing a dress that went down to my knees... with leggings underneath just to be safe.. they said "NO LEGGGINGS EVER AGAIN"

I still take the little girl neighbor to and from school monday wednesday and friday. She still comes bursting out the doors when I come to pick her up and runs into my arms.

Yet.
All i can focus on is what I lack, What I am not.
I can't take this... i clean clean clean with my mom during the day.. but the crying comes more and more often for such little things.

I am not a bad person. I dont want to bring others down. I dont want to be this way. I dont want to be so negative.
But I dont know how to change...
It is so overwhelming.. life.. food.. me..

My personalDNA Report
My personalDNA Report

I do wish something would happen to me
anything
I want a bad thing to happen
so I can have a legitimate reason to be so sad

I want to go away
far away
start over
be someone

I want to teach
I want people to believe in me.. give me a chance..
I want to make a difference

I want to like myself
I want to find my happy
I want to find my smile

I am tired of getting my hopes up with all these job interviews only to get my heart and hopes broken when the call never comes.. or does come int he form of a rejection

I want to ask for help... but who do i ask? What do i need? How CAN they help? What IS wrong?

I want to teach in China.. or Thailand.. or Africa.. or New Orleans Zoo..

I want JP to come to me..
I want our lives to come together again
I want MY life together again

I want to eat and not feel like a fatass
I want to look in the mirror and not see excess.. plumpness.

I just want to be okay with life again.

I've learnt that...

you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.
no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
the people you care most about in life are taken from you to soon.
although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.
love is not for me to keep, but to pass on to the next person I see.
even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I still have a lot to learn......

Lists that make me happy..

Places I have been
Places I want to go
Best days of my life
Best thing that happened this past year
Songs for the soundtrack of your life
REasons why i love him
Everything I would do if money were no problem
Things i am procrastinating
How to calm myself down when angry
Qualities i admire in others
What i would do if I could be invisible
Who would i invite to my dinner party (alive or dead)

the days seem oh so long
I don't know what to do
Everything seems so wrong
I don't like feeling this blue

The voices in my head keep yelling
They cannot seem to agree
The tears in my eyes keep on welling
Is this how its always going to be?

I feel so empty-so very very hollow
I see this food in front of me
but it all seems to much to swallow

"its not about the food", they say
But they don't know how hard it is
to get through each and every day
I try not to let it show

I hate being left out
of all they fun they share
It seems to me without a doubt
that they don't even care

Its strange how the people
that you hold most dear
are also the very ones
that entice the greatest fear

They may not even know
how harsh their words can be
I take them with a mighty blow
I take them personally

Their words never leave my mind
they are there constantly
it makes it oh so hard to find
and be the real me

I look down in front of me
and see my pudgy tummy
it is all i ever see
and makes me feel so crummy

I know I should be at peace
with my body and my spirit
it seems like such a sweet release
so why do i fear it?

I love me and the person that i am
and i want to be accepted
But every time I am me-I feel in a jam
I get too scared that "me" will be rejected

Peeking through the jagged hole
my cheeck against the prickly wood
My ragged breathing slowly calming
With the scent of you so near
I hope that you can't see me

Out beyond the knobby wood
I squint my eyes to see
I hear so clear your enchanting voice
My heart is pounding so
I wish that you knew me

I poke my finger through the hole
to expand my narrow view
I utter a shriek as I prick my finger
as a drop of blood appears
I hope that you didn't hear me

I am caught off-guard by the blood,
surprised by its warmth
a single teardrop slips down my face
my world is now a blur
You don't even care

Simple Pleasures in Life...
Im trying to find them again.. and find the pleasures in them.. and not let my mind trail off to the negative..

1. Sleeping in on a rainy day..
snuggling under the warm covers while listening to the rain beating lightly against the window and roof.. LOVE that sound.. even better if you have a fireplace with a (REAL) fire roaring inside..

2. Making Brief Eye Contact With Someone On The Street
ESPECIALLY if it is someone of the opposite sex... there is that slight moment when your eyes catch and linger... and .. maybe.. just maybe... and then you both continue walking.. but you still know -for THAT MOMENT.. you were something to someone (or atleast you can think that)

3. Finding Money You Never Knew You Had
I found a $20 bill the other day when I was going through my room :) YAY! Why did I stuff that $20 with my art supplies? I do not remember... but i am SO GLAD that i did.

4. Hearing that RIGHT SONG at that RIGHT MOMENT
you know.. when you are on a thinking track and then that song comes on that epitomizes what you are thinking.. or goes right along with your memory track..

5. Hearing that song that brings you back
it literally FLOODS me with nostalgic memories of "that one time..." ... and causes me to text someone related to that memory.. which passes on the good feelings to them.. I tend to let songs hold a LOT of nostalgic power..

6. Pull Through Parking Spot
You know what those are.. when you see that parking spot immediately in front of you and are delighted to see that the other side is free too! SOOOOO you continue on through so you can drive forward OUT of the parking spot instead of having to back out.. :)

7. Realizing you Have More Time To Sleep
waking up.. sopoo tired. OMG! I must be late! I wonder what time it is!?!? Ohhhhhh its only 4:32.. I can go back to sleep! (yay!)

8. Making Others Smile
sel explanatory..

9. Warm Sunshine..
Feeling it envelop you in warmth as you step out of the shadows..

10. That feeling You Get When Your Idea Works
:)

more to come...

I have one class down... 2 more to go until I can get a full grasp on what school is going to be like..
Still no jobs.. no offers.. no potentials, though my resume is out there due to my aggressive passing out at places even though they say "APPLY ONLINE!" .. I HATE applying online.. not just the typing everything over and over again on the many different websites.. but because they cant see ME.. they dont know ME.. they see what I wrote yes,.. but I think that if you want to hire someone, wouldn't you want to SEE and TALK TO and MEET your potential employee before you hire them? Yes. I do.

10.

Wow...
what a month it has been!!
I am sooooo not in the right head space to be back at home.
After spending a month with JP...
whirlwind of things that happened..
We finally drove down to the Everglades and I got to go on 2 kayak trips with him.. 4 days each out in the Everglades.. kayaking.. camping out on the white sandy beaches.. seeing the eyeballs of the dolphins as they hopped about beside my kayak.. osprey nests.. fishing pelicans.. watching the sun get swallowed up by the Gulf of Mexico...
Sleeping in the tent.. wow.. hearing those noises outside the tent.. that whole dellima.. Do i climb out of my cozy, warm sleeping bag and risk getting mauled by whatever is out there? or do i lay in the warmth and comfort of my sleeping bag and hold even more tightly to JP, wondering what is out there.. .
Going to visit our friends over in West Palm Beach.. playing with their Xbox Kinect.. that game is soo fun!! You do not even need a remote!! It picks up your movements and whatnot without the need of a remote!! LOVE IT!! aND it records you doing the movements so you can watch yourself acting like a goober playing the games :)
I finally registered and got all ready for my classes.. just need to talk to my advisor and convince him that i can take on 5 classes.. since 4 of them are half semester.. so I would be taking one class that lasts ALL semester and then 2 each half semester..

i miss JP.. it wil be 4 months or 3 ( I have spring break the first week in april) until I get to see him again.. which is FOREVER when I do not have anything to look forward to until I see him..
for the next week I will be looking for a job... going to classes.. finding my books.. getting acquainted with Augusta State University and my classmates..