I am addicted to food.
I love hate it
yet.. everytime I look around me I see everything I am not.

I didnt used to be this way.
I used to be positive. I used to be excited about life.
I still am at times...

There were fireflies out the past couple nights... I used to LOVE them. how they twinkled and danced and frolicked and teased...
They didn't phase me.

I still go to the elementary school 2 days a week, I still teach some lessons. I still get very positive feedback on how I interact with the kids and can relate to them and encourage them.
Yet, all that rings out for me is when they say "You need to work on classroom management" (I KNOW this. I KNEW this. I am working on it. I am not as soft/passive as I used to be. I step in when I need to. I don;t allow certain kids certain privileges if they don't show me in their actions that they earn it.. etc.)
Or
they say "Look more professional" or "Don't wear that again." (I was wearing a dress that went down to my knees... with leggings underneath just to be safe.. they said "NO LEGGGINGS EVER AGAIN"

I still take the little girl neighbor to and from school monday wednesday and friday. She still comes bursting out the doors when I come to pick her up and runs into my arms.

Yet.
All i can focus on is what I lack, What I am not.
I can't take this... i clean clean clean with my mom during the day.. but the crying comes more and more often for such little things.

I am not a bad person. I dont want to bring others down. I dont want to be this way. I dont want to be so negative.
But I dont know how to change...
It is so overwhelming.. life.. food.. me..