Mmmmm....

...pure HOTNESSS...

.....
HA!

Ha! loves it! : )

...
in other news, i found this AMAZING song...
accompanied by an AMAZING video.. .

CHECK ER OUT!!

Oka.y..
so i am gone..
no more Talisman for me :(
apparanttly.. it wasnt a "good fit" for me.. saying i needed to use my compassion and sensitivity and creativity somewhere where it could be utilized its best..
I cried
a lot
and hten i listened to my song
and i TRIED to let it go

Now.. i have NO idea what to do with my life

should i start over and go to Washington or Orgeon? start anew and fresh... finding all new freinds.. new life.. ?
Should i stay in the area and try to find another job here?
should i move back in with my parents?

and why am i so scared to make any decisions.. .
:/

paid suspension...

ok..
so
late Wednesday night.. while in DC.. I got a call from Bosman saying that something came up and i needed to go back to camp asap. He set me up with bus tickets for the next morning at 10AM
I spent the entire day.. from 9 until 3 am on buses or stuck at bus stations.. and then there was the 2 hour drive home due to complications and Bossman sending me to Henderson, NC instead of Hendersonville, NC (a good 200 mile difference)
ANYWAY
the phone call...
no hint as to what it was about.. just that i needed to get back there.. FREAKED ME OUT!
i cried.
if it was something simple like covering for other groups, why wouldn't they use other staff instead of paying al that money to get me back?
If they were going to fire me, why would they spend that money on me to get me back to camp right away?
What exactly did i do?
Should i look for a different job?
Maybe i should.. maybe i should just up and leave.. Washington/Oregon isnt that bad..
those were all the thoughts going through my head...

so at 9 this morning, after a restless, tossy turny 3 hours of sleep i went into work and immediately ran into one of the groups who were excited that i was back, but hesitantly confused as to why i was there..
i had no explanation
same with my boys who are back in DC.
when i left, they all were like, "Penny, if you are fired, I just wanted to let you know you are my favorite. I will miss you..."

Linda pulled me into the little extra room with another lady who i'd never seen before..
APPARANTLY.. someone saw me walk out of the bathroom during the trip and saw me walk PAST one of the kids who was smoking and i didnt do anything about him.. didnt confront him, etc.
Now..
i am NOT the only one to say that i am NOT the most observant person. There have been times where poeple are dumbfounded by what i DONT notice..
And this incident occured at night.. so.. going from bright bathroom lights.. warm indoors to the freezing cold darkness stumbling back to my little tarp to snuggle into my sleeping bag..
that would not be a time when i was on my ball
thats for sure

so
they are "investigating"
i am on paid suspension..
to be re-assessed before i go back on shift Wednesday morning..

so
i went to the library, got books on places to see and things to do before i die.. majestical magical places to entertain my mind.. to dream about.. ate a whole bag of Flat Earth garlic herb vegetable chips and started on the mixing of the drinks. (only one so far though..)

I have no idea what to think
i WANT sooooo badly to stay here with my boys..
but at the same time. i am ashamed and embarrassed at the accusations.
I could take the easy way out.. run away.. find a new life.. start over in Oregon.., stay with my parents in Augusta until i find a job there...
but i love it so much up here.. the people i work with.. the random people i talk with on the streets.. the kids i work for.. the beautiful landscape and greenness.. the changing colors of the leaves.. my other job... my fun round chair and record player and how i feel when i step into my room.. the overwhelming sensation of happiness and excitement when i get to work and the slight ball of disappointment when i have to leave-no matter how stressful my time on work was...

i think i may entertain the idea..
...browse around for job opportunities over that way...
why not?

ITs cold here anyway.

and i have wayyyy to hard of a time facing my feelings .. talking to people about things.. and.. lately.. getting people to BELIEVE that what i say is real
and still
have no idea
what i want from life
what i want right now
etc.

Off to DC we go!!

Wow..
hard.,. yet sweet road to recovery..
had amazingly peaceful days of sickness... got woken up at 5 am on Tuesday morning by my sick friend.. tried to heal him.. failed miserably and ended up getting sick myself.. Ooppsie!!
but atleast we got to spend the most amount of time together ever! :) ... even though we both were hacking.. coughing.. aching.. icky..
aNd i still worked.. and babysat.. and had the urge to go bear hunting *there was a bear on the loose near where we live*

AND NOW
TOMORROW
back to the boys...
we embark on a journey to Washington DC for the ENTIRE week..
just the 8 boys.. Zack.. Bailey and I.. out in the real world.. the BIG city.. visiting museums.. experiencing cultures and people of all kinds.. being polite and publicly appropriate.. camping out under a tarp every night and heading to the civilize city during the day..

and i just got word that they spent a lot of the day hitting each other in the balls..

this should be an interesting week..


OH !
and i dyed my hair today!! after being bedridden since Wednesday i decided i needed some sort of pick me up before i went back to work.. its .. fun! :) a dark purply reddy color.. like the color of black cherry frozen yogurt..

Apparantly, I'm too nice..

Yesssss...
soo im off again!

These past days have been intense.. though they have been on and off..
Zack was back with me! He is a good guy to work with. He and i mesh well and can laugh easily.. though we are apparently too easy on the boys.

I actually got a talking to by the higher-ups suggesting i crack down some more.. dole out more consequences.. I cried.. it was hard to hear.. though i knew they were right..

So.. from Wednesday night until yesterday I had them write sentences, i treated the boys with good behavior and let the bad behaving ones realize that good behavior is rewarded, I had some sleep outside at night, i refused to let some back into the cabin until they took responsibility for their behavior....

One, in particular, took it hard... had a hard time understanding that there are 8 kids in the group and i need to help EVERYONE.. not just him. He is also the one that-when he's mad, he goes crazy and turns the cabin dynamics into a train wreck... he gets out of hand.. he also called me a bitch, a waste of time, etc. under his breath. He made it clear he wasn't going to talk to me for the next 2 months.. he smacked the back of my seat on the bus relentlessly while one of the other boys was in the backseat cracking up. he glared.. he wouldn't listen to me.. he made a point to SEEK OUT Zack to ask him a question when i was right next to him..
He is also one who-when he is good, he is AMAZING. He is the leader of the pack. He sticks up for the others who cant or wont stick up for themselves. Hes a natural joker. I can go on and on..
We had a talk before i left.. I had to follow him and not leave him alone until he broke down and finally talked.. it took forever to get through to him.. to make it clear that i MENT what i said.. He was frustrated that I was reprimanding me (.. I asked him if he thought his behavior deserved consequences and he brushed off the question).. he was frustrated that I didnt try to figure out his side of the story (*him and another boy were "playing". slapping each other with gloves or doing some other random thing like that.. it got out of hand.. one ended up crying.. i ended up going to the crying one-trying to calm him down before i delt with the other.. but before i could even do that. the tears turned to anger and i had to stand there in the doorway between the two of them while they argued it out-on the edge of a fight*).. he was upset and felt rejected that i stuck up for another boy when they were having an argument (E. was mad that everyone was taking advantage of two of the lower functioning students.. VERY moral and legitimate argument he was passionate about it to the point of tears,, once again it escalated into a near fight. where one had to be restrained.. one stood there spittin out his arguments,.. things heated up.. i took E back inside where it was clear he was shaking and later that night woke me up at 1 am saying he was going to die.. took his temperature and it was 103.8)

We cleaned up garbage along the street for our saturday activity.

We went to the used book store for our field trip. THAT was fun.. I LOVE books.. so i went around recommending different ones to specific kids.. i chatted up with random people in the store.. i read the kids their zodiac sign predictions and personalities..

AND
on the way home we stopped at a gas station.
The boys were ALREADY rowdy. and they saw their prey... 2 boys.. around 14 years old.. hanging around the outside of the gas station... apparently they looked over at our little yellow short bus and laughed.. sooooo my kids started sprouting their middle finger at the boys.. soon they settled down.. until the boys came closer.. with their mom and sat down at a picnic table next to the bus. I knew something was going to happen and so i quickly shut the door on the bus to create a barrier so my boys wouldn't shout out at them. The closed door did not stop them. One shouted at the top of his lungs "LOOK AT THOSE BITCHES!!" while the rest of them stuck out their finger. Once Zack got back on the bus, i quickly explained what had gone down, climbed off the bus and apologized to the lady.. she gave me a tight lipped smile and said "I appreciate the apology" and went back to her meal while her little ones were giggling into their burgers.
We also rolled down the hill in front of our cabins in garbage cans.. i have bruises and scrapes.. but we needed that kind of release after the day we had. i went down 6 times! They kept shouting "GO AGAIN PENNY!! ITS SOOO FUNNY WHEN YOU DO IT!!" i dont know WHY it is so particularly funny when I do it.. but i happily obliged.

We fill up the majority of our down time by listening to one of the kids satellite radios where he can get any music he wants.. we jam out to :"Ms. Officer": and Lil Wayne and Ludicrius and Cascada and other older ones that bring back memories. He explains each song.. "this was back in 1994!" and has new songs by old artists like Cindy Lauper and whatnot...

I really want to dye my hair.. .
RED.. candy apple red.. blood red.. vibrant.. orrrrr blue....
i just want something dramatic. something different..
AND with this job, i can get away with it... with BOTH jobs i can get away with it.. sooooo why not!?

the quietest kids are always the ones that cause the most trouble.. while the ones that cause the commotion at the beginning settle down and become no trouble..
SO true... soooooo true...

One of the kids is a budding comedian.. im actually listening to his stand up routine right now.. :) AND he practices his new comedy bits on us whenever he comes up with them.. he loves to but into others business a lot.. asking personal questions about our sex lives... persistent.. making sure we give out consequences.. but.. i am growing fond of him.. :)

RIP Alexander Supertramp...

I love the journeys books can take you on.. relief from reality.. where you can see in your head what you wan to see.. let hte words create worlds in your mind.
I saw the book tossed upside down and messed at the library, but remember all the things i heard about it..
I own the movie.. have owned the movie for awhile, but had never seen it.. it just sat there waiting for the time..

I finally read it.. today.. ALL in one sitting.. couldn't set it down..
it
was
amazing..
inspiring..
intriguing..
sad..
the things Carine said about her brother.. how devastated she was when she found news that her brother was found dead, a frozen carcass on a bus way out in Alaska wilderness.
i became infatuated with his life.. his thoughts.. how he viewed the world..
makes me want to do something similar..
makes me wonder.. when i die.. if they were to write a book about me.. who would contribute? what would they have to say? how would they explain my actions? my life? my world? my thoughtS?

Into the Wild.
watch it
read it
love it
live for Alexander Supertramp.
RIP Alexander Supertramp.
and
RIP Kyo

Alexander Supertramp.. i wish i could have met you... and... just to let you know... you are hott.. so smart.. so inspiring.. so passionate.. so insightful.. knows what he wants.. what he believes in-with such intense passion.. id be with you.. id do you..

i think of you both tonight.. and for many nights to come
and Kyo
i only wish that we could have had the heart to heart i always wanted.. the relationship i see and hear from other brother-sisters.. i wanted so badly for him to be proud.. for him to protect me.. for him to joke with me..
he is the one i compare to.. when i see brother and sisters.. whether it be in movies,.. in books.. in real life.. i compare their interactions.. their closeness.. their compatibility to Kyo and I.. not greg.. as much as i love greg and look up to him and am proud of him.. it is Kyo i tend to come back to..

also.. still no call from him.. i cannot even have the satisfaction of ignoring him.. of making him wonder whats wrong..

i dreamt i died..

sooool..... i had some world shaking news about 4 hours ago just before i cried myself to sleep.
apparently it was all a lie. I feel disillusioned.. embarrassed.. ashamed.. shattered... dont know if i am mad for her or mad for me
dont know what i am going to do next time i see him.. will i do the normal thing and forgive him right away because all i want... ALL i want right now is to be wanted
he was with a girl all summer.. he lived with her.. he talked of marriage.. meanwhile i was nothing.. just some booty he knew he could get... i had that feeling in the back of my mind.. but i didnt want to believe it.. and now i have proof that it is a valid feeling.. yet i still push it away and continue to hope
.. = my thoughts still lean towards.. "well that was summertime.. this is now.. he has no one else now.." even though i know what he did was not right.. to me or to her..

i need you Emily,,, your prettier, more real.. more fun and more dynamic and free than any therapist i have ever seen.

despite what i WANTED to do
i did not drink that one last drink.. i used my tears as a sleepy-time drug.
i dreamt i died.
I just woke up and am shaken and scared... i hate not having anyone here with me.. I miss Emily, I miss her like NOTHING OTHER.
In the dream, i was JUST at the point where i was feeling peaceful. I was feeling free. I was feeling happy and pure.. it was a sunny day.. lots of grass and flowers and the smell of honeysuckle with a slight breeze... i blew bubbles a lot with others, we all watched the colors swirl around each other wished them well as they floated down the hill... him.. and things were wonderful.. at first, i noticed a butterfly or two and we all were in awe of its color and beauty and grace as they darted around in between us all.. as the day went on more and more butterflies kept fluttering around.. everyone went somewhere.. disappeared.. saying they would be right back. I was waiting patiently, exciting news of some sort on my tongue.. all of a sudden there was a sudden gust of wind and a barrage of butterflies all around me and i felt myself raising from the ground.. higher and higher.. faster and faster.. i fought it.. i fought it HARD.. i heard faint voices of different people in my life whisper all around me, sounding as if they were talking in a tunnel... i couldnt get out.. i was scared.. terrified.. yet there was a small ball of peace glowing inside as i went up.. and it grew bigger and brighter and stronger as i went up and up.. and soon the peace once again took over the fear...
... needless to say i was glad that i woke up...

but then again.. i just got a long text from my ex... surges of memories and feelings-both good and sad-happy and bad-
he said he was wondering if he made me up just to hurt himself... created by demons of guilt.. how he doesnt think he will be calling back... how he is a better person for knowing me... how he needs to drop his delusions and move on.. how he cant hear my voice and not want to love and be with me for the rest of my life.. and on and on.. and i cried again.. and am quite cofused..
which is a common emotion lately..
HE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND that i cannot give up my life here for him. I do care.. more than anyone knows.. i still do cling to the good times.. but the not so good times.. the getting pissed off at me for talking to any other boy.. constantly asking what the deal is/was with any conversation i had with a guy.. getting too drunk too quick and scary and rough..
but at the same time, when he was good he was GOOD.. treated me better than anyone else could ever.. i was able to BE with him.. i didnt get anxious or restless as i do with many other people.. he could make me feel like i was the only other person in the world..
why does so much have to go on in one night.
and why do i have to be all alone in dealing with this
and whyyyyy does the night draggg onnnnnnnn

that dream really did scare me.
and i am sure it means someting
im just scared .. another common emotion... to think too much on that subject..
but i am SOOO glad i woke up
in my bed
... though i wish the previous nights events were a dream..

..please one more drink~Could you make i strong cuz i dont need to think...

once again..
nothing...
i cant NOT reach for that drink when i get home

I HATE how someone has this kind of power over me
yet i cant even bring myself to call



--Grace Is Gone-- Dave Mattews Band

"Neon shines through smoky eyes tonight
It’s 2 am - I’m drunk again it’s heavy on my mind
I could never love again so much as I love you
Where you end where I begin is like a river going through
Take my eyes take my heart I need them no more
If never again they fall upon the one I so adore

Excuse me please one more drink
Could make it strong cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart my Grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on

One drink to remember then another to forget
How could I ever dream to find sweet love like you again
One drink to remember and another to forget"

--Grace is Gone--
DAve Mattews Band

is how i feel
tongiht

song for the moment

WHY do i let others dictate ow i feel?
seriously
i dont want it.. but i let it happen
i call him every single night when i am at work.. whether i feel sad or happy or exhausted...
he wanted me to come over for the last 2 nights and i couldnt because i was single staffed.
now that there are 5 staff there including staff.. 2 in 2 cabins.. one in the last cabin ..
he wont even F123213 call.. wont .. cant.. i dont know.. but t doesnt make me feel goode about myself..
:(
nope
after that long week on shift.. i was going to.. but i didnt.. and now.. after his ONE day with the kids... LESS than one day... nothing..
and im too F!@E#{129i scared to call.. too sel,f conscious... too scared that he wont answer or will not want to come.,..
whatever
goodngiht


and i dont think its the wine talking.. though i admit i did have quite too much

off shift.. The week is OVER! :/

Right.
Im off now.
Sad too.. its too drama free...
i DO like being single staffed in a way.. everything is more intense.. if things are good, i feel proud,. if things are crazy or bad i feel responsible and get sad/mad/frustrated with myself because i cant handle them. I feel like the groups ability to get along and behave is a result of me and my actions.

Yesterday one of the kids messed with another's $800 Base. He was already restricted from any and all instruments due to his rough handling of it.. playing it as if it were an intense guitar hero session. He ended up sleeping outside.. packing out for dinner and then let the other shift deal with it because i had NO idea what should happen next. At the time, I had run off after two who had had enough of the group.. were fed up.. frustrated that they had nothing.. no independence.. no life.. that the staff didn't care about them-only the money that came in.
So when one of the others came up with the Base. E. punched a cubby instead of the other kid and walked off after dumping over the other kids cubby. I was proud that he didnt hurt anyone.. though he did end up going to the hospital due to his smashed up knuckles.

OH and my favorite thing about that whole incident.. I was processing with the group (except H and E and K-E and K had gone to the doctor.. H was sitting in his bed taking a time out from group until i figured out what to do) we were ALL frustrated and anxious..
SOoooo.. i reverted back to what i do best..
PAINT!!
we all got out my paint and started splattering the wall.. .Now it looks amazing.. if you have seen "Across the Universe" with the strawberry and the dripping paint... It is kind of like that.. except on a huge white wall.. and with all colors .. we had yellow.. red.. pink.. neon green.. orange....

I was planning on visiting JP last night.. but was highly and hugely disappointed that the kids were acting out.. that the other two cabins were single staffed as well... so i did the right thing and stayed in.. :(

anyway..
Kevins birthday is today :) I text/talk sometimes.. realize even more every time how much he means to me.. how much he has influenced and impacted me on many levels.
Its also my mom's birthday
I also have to go to my other job today.
I also need a drink

Thursday.. battlefield field trip..

signing in... I got another staff for today and tomorrow! YaY!
All the kids packed out this morning because they were goofing off and late to breakfast.. which meant i ALSO had to stand out in the cold and have my coffee..

I cried again last night..
We had gone to the civil war battlefied... JP came in to help out. Which confused things a lot.. I ended up letting personal issues come in clashing with my work.. OOPS.. I ended up ignoring one of the kids.. well not REALLY ignoring him, but not responding when he asked for my notebook to write me a note. I felt horrible afterwards because then he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the evening and caused the rest of the kids to follow his lead and act up.

On the way back, the bus broke down. All 8 kids and 2 staff and the teacher were all on the side of the highway out in the TALL weeds... one of the kids was trying to pick up trash and take it on the bus. I tried to talk him down.. he grabbed me roughly by the sholder a few times while getting in my face.. intimidating but i took breath remained calm and kept talking and reminded him to get his hands off me. So...i found a way to compromise.. he leaves the trash on the ground.. we take a few flowers home and press them in the books to "keep their prettiness" ... :) YaY ..
though at the same time the other kids kept coming up behind me, trying to rile him up by knocking things out of his hand and trying to wipe mustard on him
JP left at dinner and things went to crap again. I cried again. They weren't listening again.. werent talking.. but i had a group with them, trying to figure out what the deal was.. and it worked out. ish..

its nice to have another staff...

ME and my photobooth.. playing around... this is my drinking smile.. apparantly..

I TOTALLY broke down yesterday.. Cried in front of the kids..
It was supposed to be "work time" and the kids were very defiant and saying it was gay and stupid and all this stuff.
A lot of little things had piled up throughout the day.. I had enough.. .
2 of the kids already left the group, saying "F-- this sh--" and the others were arguing with me
I cried..
I said, "I'm taking a 5.. you all know what you need to do. I dont care what you do.. I am NOT arguing anymore. I dont want to hear it.."
I went off the side and cried.. while one of the campers was bugging me, being rude, saying he had no idea why i was freaking out and acting all crazy.
I kept repeating.. "I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU DO. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO DO. I AM NOT ARGUNG."
thankfully. they all banded together and did some work.. creating a little teepee to house firewood. 2 of them still were unwilling to help, but brought their guitars down and provided music.
I was proud and happy that they were at least able to work together.. DESPITE the fact that i had to break down in order for them to come together..
Thomas came in today to help.. so i got a shower...a nice long warm shower.. i got to run to the store for some errands to pick up goodies for other counselors.. got to feel the warmth of the sunshine... pick up some bidis...
AND... there apparently is a music festival October 10,11 or so.. Loki festival.. JP and i are planning/hoping to hop out there... I just need someone to take over for one day.. switch days with me... then we are golden to go.. but CAKE is going to be therE~!!!


my boys playing with photobooth

MY JOKER!!
Soo...