paid suspension...

ok..
so
late Wednesday night.. while in DC.. I got a call from Bosman saying that something came up and i needed to go back to camp asap. He set me up with bus tickets for the next morning at 10AM
I spent the entire day.. from 9 until 3 am on buses or stuck at bus stations.. and then there was the 2 hour drive home due to complications and Bossman sending me to Henderson, NC instead of Hendersonville, NC (a good 200 mile difference)
ANYWAY
the phone call...
no hint as to what it was about.. just that i needed to get back there.. FREAKED ME OUT!
i cried.
if it was something simple like covering for other groups, why wouldn't they use other staff instead of paying al that money to get me back?
If they were going to fire me, why would they spend that money on me to get me back to camp right away?
What exactly did i do?
Should i look for a different job?
Maybe i should.. maybe i should just up and leave.. Washington/Oregon isnt that bad..
those were all the thoughts going through my head...

so at 9 this morning, after a restless, tossy turny 3 hours of sleep i went into work and immediately ran into one of the groups who were excited that i was back, but hesitantly confused as to why i was there..
i had no explanation
same with my boys who are back in DC.
when i left, they all were like, "Penny, if you are fired, I just wanted to let you know you are my favorite. I will miss you..."

Linda pulled me into the little extra room with another lady who i'd never seen before..
APPARANTLY.. someone saw me walk out of the bathroom during the trip and saw me walk PAST one of the kids who was smoking and i didnt do anything about him.. didnt confront him, etc.
Now..
i am NOT the only one to say that i am NOT the most observant person. There have been times where poeple are dumbfounded by what i DONT notice..
And this incident occured at night.. so.. going from bright bathroom lights.. warm indoors to the freezing cold darkness stumbling back to my little tarp to snuggle into my sleeping bag..
that would not be a time when i was on my ball
thats for sure

so
they are "investigating"
i am on paid suspension..
to be re-assessed before i go back on shift Wednesday morning..

so
i went to the library, got books on places to see and things to do before i die.. majestical magical places to entertain my mind.. to dream about.. ate a whole bag of Flat Earth garlic herb vegetable chips and started on the mixing of the drinks. (only one so far though..)

I have no idea what to think
i WANT sooooo badly to stay here with my boys..
but at the same time. i am ashamed and embarrassed at the accusations.
I could take the easy way out.. run away.. find a new life.. start over in Oregon.., stay with my parents in Augusta until i find a job there...
but i love it so much up here.. the people i work with.. the random people i talk with on the streets.. the kids i work for.. the beautiful landscape and greenness.. the changing colors of the leaves.. my other job... my fun round chair and record player and how i feel when i step into my room.. the overwhelming sensation of happiness and excitement when i get to work and the slight ball of disappointment when i have to leave-no matter how stressful my time on work was...

i think i may entertain the idea..
...browse around for job opportunities over that way...
why not?

ITs cold here anyway.

and i have wayyyy to hard of a time facing my feelings .. talking to people about things.. and.. lately.. getting people to BELIEVE that what i say is real
and still
have no idea
what i want from life
what i want right now
etc.