i dreamt i died..

sooool..... i had some world shaking news about 4 hours ago just before i cried myself to sleep.
apparently it was all a lie. I feel disillusioned.. embarrassed.. ashamed.. shattered... dont know if i am mad for her or mad for me
dont know what i am going to do next time i see him.. will i do the normal thing and forgive him right away because all i want... ALL i want right now is to be wanted
he was with a girl all summer.. he lived with her.. he talked of marriage.. meanwhile i was nothing.. just some booty he knew he could get... i had that feeling in the back of my mind.. but i didnt want to believe it.. and now i have proof that it is a valid feeling.. yet i still push it away and continue to hope
.. = my thoughts still lean towards.. "well that was summertime.. this is now.. he has no one else now.." even though i know what he did was not right.. to me or to her..

i need you Emily,,, your prettier, more real.. more fun and more dynamic and free than any therapist i have ever seen.

despite what i WANTED to do
i did not drink that one last drink.. i used my tears as a sleepy-time drug.
i dreamt i died.
I just woke up and am shaken and scared... i hate not having anyone here with me.. I miss Emily, I miss her like NOTHING OTHER.
In the dream, i was JUST at the point where i was feeling peaceful. I was feeling free. I was feeling happy and pure.. it was a sunny day.. lots of grass and flowers and the smell of honeysuckle with a slight breeze... i blew bubbles a lot with others, we all watched the colors swirl around each other wished them well as they floated down the hill... him.. and things were wonderful.. at first, i noticed a butterfly or two and we all were in awe of its color and beauty and grace as they darted around in between us all.. as the day went on more and more butterflies kept fluttering around.. everyone went somewhere.. disappeared.. saying they would be right back. I was waiting patiently, exciting news of some sort on my tongue.. all of a sudden there was a sudden gust of wind and a barrage of butterflies all around me and i felt myself raising from the ground.. higher and higher.. faster and faster.. i fought it.. i fought it HARD.. i heard faint voices of different people in my life whisper all around me, sounding as if they were talking in a tunnel... i couldnt get out.. i was scared.. terrified.. yet there was a small ball of peace glowing inside as i went up.. and it grew bigger and brighter and stronger as i went up and up.. and soon the peace once again took over the fear...
... needless to say i was glad that i woke up...

but then again.. i just got a long text from my ex... surges of memories and feelings-both good and sad-happy and bad-
he said he was wondering if he made me up just to hurt himself... created by demons of guilt.. how he doesnt think he will be calling back... how he is a better person for knowing me... how he needs to drop his delusions and move on.. how he cant hear my voice and not want to love and be with me for the rest of my life.. and on and on.. and i cried again.. and am quite cofused..
which is a common emotion lately..
HE JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND that i cannot give up my life here for him. I do care.. more than anyone knows.. i still do cling to the good times.. but the not so good times.. the getting pissed off at me for talking to any other boy.. constantly asking what the deal is/was with any conversation i had with a guy.. getting too drunk too quick and scary and rough..
but at the same time, when he was good he was GOOD.. treated me better than anyone else could ever.. i was able to BE with him.. i didnt get anxious or restless as i do with many other people.. he could make me feel like i was the only other person in the world..
why does so much have to go on in one night.
and why do i have to be all alone in dealing with this
and whyyyyy does the night draggg onnnnnnnn

that dream really did scare me.
and i am sure it means someting
im just scared .. another common emotion... to think too much on that subject..
but i am SOOO glad i woke up
in my bed
... though i wish the previous nights events were a dream..