I realized
part of my problem is that i have TOO MUCH TIME
NOThING to occupy my mind with
except little games
calories.
if i squirt some of the strawberry jam stuff into my hand and eat it.. it doesnt count
right?
except
its more than a tbsp..
which is 50 calories
a handful of Ohs cereal doesnt count if i just reach in the box.. no bowl..
but it does
110 per cup
and a handful is about half a cup
hover in the kitchen
talk myslef out of eating
nibbling
which doesnt count
but it does
it adds up

and hes still not proving himself
though i havent asked
is it selfish?
to ask him to DO something?
to ask him to go kayaking?
to ask him to eat some queso dip with me?
to ask him to help plan the trip.. where to go.. where to stay..
to ask him what hes going to do for moneY?
Hes going to get some from his dad
so he says
"Its all taken care of"
he says when i ask him
when i come home from work each time putting my change into the cotton candy bucket
folding the bills neatly, setting them aside so i can put it in the bank

i just need a therapist
i need to get lost in the woods
i need to explore
i want to go back to tuscaloosa
i dont like these extreme emotions
overwhelming

Is it weird that i absolutely LOVE being a waitress?
Last time i did it.. in Tuscaloosa.. and here
I get that rush when there is everyone in there
its like a strategy game to me
How many people can i make smile
while still making sure their drinks are full
and their food is hott
and I get their orders right
and still have time to make their day all that much more divine
The family is a real italian-new york family
the dad can be scary if he needs to be... but I know about those people who can be in your face.. but dont mean it.. they really are good people.. they put on a front
i havent felt his wrath.. but I hear stories..
They keep offering to make me anything.. for free
and it smells SOOO good.. and looks delicious
and i love watching the pizza slowly roll out of the oven.. watching the cheese bubble and boil like lava.. slowly browning.. if you put your ear close enough you can hear the sizzle

meanwhile
he still is doing nothing
still has not made any effort that I can see.. sits around.. does what he does.. doesnt eat.. and i can still hear him puking in the bathroom..
and it messes with my head
my mind.. my soul.. my spirit.. my heart..

and i feel scared and alone
beacuse i want so badly to keep my blind faith that everythings going to be okay
that hes going to be better when we leave
but he just seems so distant lately..
or maybe i am
and also the little window that i have to the real world.. .working.. communicating.. spreading my wings in that little way.. little bits of the day.. makes it harder to come back
but i do
because i do love him and need him...

Walking is beautiful
i love it
plugged in to my headphones
dancing to the music
closing my eyes..
FEELING it
MOVING with it
in hte middle of the road
(granted.. they are community roads.. houses.. side streets..)
i feel so much better
i can walk all day
with the music and the sun

I dyed my hair.. back to the rich auburn/true red..
it doesnt look much different
but that okay.. i DID something

food food food food belly belly belly food food eat eat noteat noteat noteat
blah blahblah

Maybe its this place
maybe its being around him.. feeling self conscious... dont want him to be embarrassed to be seen with me.. or that he doesnt eat much.. and i can hear him in the bathroom.. doing what he does.. or the afteraffects..
and with every time i hear him puking.. every gag..
my mind warps it so that it seems.. it feels.. like my body is all that much more big.. soft.. fluffy..
whatever you call it

BUT
job tonight..
"training"
they dont know i will only be here 2 weeks..
but i am going to inform them that there is a good chance I will be moving over the summer
which is true
in 2 weeks it will be "summer" right?

BAH
mental mind games

and every time i feel this way
its a tug of war
abstain
or
munch munch munch until it evolves into a binge..
to make me feel even crappier

HOW CAN PEOPLE GO SO LONG WITHOUT FOOD.. and not have problems.. and still be okay.. granted.. he has some some things contributing to the fact..
:(

at home i felt lovely
i actually felt smaller.. like i had lost some
and now im back to where i was..

yes,...
i went kayaking again
at home

I NEED YOUR OPINION/VOTE!

there are some days i feel pretty
and silly
so i take pictures
to keep that


please tell me which is best...

Theres a lot of temptation here at my parents house
->the scale
havent been on it in forever.. am scared to know what I weigh.. am scared to ride that ride again.. day after day.. trying to get it lower.. etc ect
-->the bathroom connected to my bedroom
far from where anyone is.. so they cant hear..
-->soo much good food
ice cream.. brown sugar/oatmeal.. leftovers..
--> being away from him.. and close to tuscaloosa and i want to go so bad.. but i also know it could easily lead to bad things.. hard situations to get out of..

and my parents cant help me out with money
and i dont think my grandparents are going to...

and i got a job offer on sunday.. to waitress at a pizza restaurant.. in Sunset Beach..
which i could take but i dont know how long we will be here..

OR i could go to tuscaloosa sunday.. camping down in Moundville.. gather up some friends who want to get away from A-Day
and then Sunday is Earthfest.. i LOVE that day.. playing on the Quad all day.. bubbles.. face painting.. kids.. families.. bands.. music.. old friends.. sun.. etc.