Birthdays suck
well
lonely ones do
he left yesterday because he had to go on a kayak tour for the weekend.
he is soo good to me now.. really the only thing i have
yes i have people here at work that care...
I wanted to go out and get a drink or five.. forget everything..
I started seeing a therapist last week.. got prescribed porzac yesterday..
obviously it hasn't kicked in yet
well..considering how i took my first dosage yesterday

so i went to the bar.. had a drink..
money situations looking grim so i only had one.. I could have put it on my tab because the lady that owns the bar also owns where I work.. and she cares a lot about me.. I guess..
but i stayed at one
i am bad at asking for help
i had my phone with me.
i could have called anyone that i work with and they would ahve done everything in their power to come out with me
so its really my fault
i knew no one at the bar..
i sat there .. made small chat with some random dude that was there since 4pm..
he tired to invite me back to his boat to have a bbq.. but i refused (obviously)
went home
sad
alone
no call from him.. he sometimes doesnt get service.. so i left him 3 or so messages..
put on a movie and fell asleep within fifteen minutes
and woke up at 7.. not wanting to face the day at all.. but i came to work
and as soon as i walked in the door i was met with "How was your birthday!?!?!"
I couldnt utter a word and went straight to the bathroom to compose myself..
they felt bad
i could tell
they say tehy want a re-try tonight
i guess we shall see

it reminds me of that quote
which so fits me these days..
"People are lonely because they build walls, not bridges"
by John Fort Newton

and i do
i keep people out
because lonely is what im used to .. much more safe and comfortable than putting myself out there..