I still hate mirrors.
And I have to wonder… IF I did lose a certain amount of weight.. and it was noticeable, wouldn’t SOMEONE comment on it?
Not my parents (Even though I haven’t seen them in awhile)
Not JP (Even though I haven’t seen him in almost a month)
Yesterday was supposed to be our last trip. A 5 hour trip. But he had a mini siezure in the middle of the night and shortly after I came down with the cold shivers and puked for nearly an hour until I fell into sleep talking deliriously to JP who I m not sure if he was awake or not anway.
The next day he had one again in the morning and cancelled the trip. I admit I was dissapointed and he thought I was blaming him or mad at him because I couldn’t go on the trip. I tried to make him see that I was not dissapointed or mad at him.. I was mad at the situation. I hated (and still do) for him to have to go through that.
I had 4 more bouts of shivers and puking. He has had 3 more of his.. it terrifies me. And he doesn’t eat much and everytime I bring that up he accuses me of bringing up food or me getting jelous that he eats less than me. Frustrates me.. because I AM serious.. I did go through treatment 3 times and I KNOW its not good to live off of what he does-especially doing what he does. And yes it DOES mess with my head/ED. I cant help but feel like some pig when I bring out some Wheat Thins and Hummus and he gets excited.. had 4 and is full.. meanwhile I eat what seems like is half the bag and the only reason I put it away is because I am feeling embarassed.
Now Im sitting out here in my hammock.. relaxing in the sun.. trying to tame the voices that tell me, “GET MOVING OR GET FAT” and listening to music about relationships where I question the realities of their bliss. I can imagine that there are times.. but I know ful well it isnt all fun and games.. not all kisses and hugs..
The other day we were out on a trip with 3 french people.. we were talking.. they brought up france.. I mentioned that when I went there all I really ate was french bread and croissants.. which spurred into a conversation about french food. The next day I talked with a lady who taught art to mdidle schoolers. I asked if she had ever finger painted with them. She had did some work in art therapy as well, so I figured she would understand that I was serious.
Later on, JP told me that I needed to stop doing “that” .. what is “that”? ..being childish.. he brought up those 2 examples. I cant help that that is the way the conversations went. He said it was embarassing to him. That’s the way I am. I am sorry. That’s just the way I am.
I have been realizing that he reminds me a lot like my big brother. I don’t know if it has been throughout the whole time or just since I came down.. but his constant criticism of things I do, his tone of voice.. his swearing at me because I’m daydreaming while we are kayaking and I run into some tree branches and whack my paddle. How I can ask him a simple question and he can have that TONE in his answer that’s basically saying “what a dumb question”