I feel so removed from everyone... everything...
I thought i knew what i wanted.. I do think that being in Friday Harbor and working at my coffee shop and then the summer camp will be wonderful! i need it.. i need people that care and support and help me feel like me.. and happy... and i commited to be there this summer.. so i have to go
BUT
I have to get there first

thse days have been soo hard
I walked out of the house in tears twice the other day
called my dad and asked how much a bus ticket would cost from Mrytle Beach to Augusta (where my parents are)
and i try to tell him WHY I get so upset
he says im too emotional
but you arent supposed to insinuate that your girlfriend is an imbecile everytime she says something
or get mad when i bring up the money he owes me and then goes on about how he spent this and that and how he never ASKED me to pay for the things i payed for (not directly, but he would have made my time miserable if i didn't)
and how every day since we got back from Florida we have gone on some chase for those things which "make him feel normal" which i dont want anything to do with
and i feel so useless here
i wander around the house.. around the neighborhood..
my ED is doing that stupid cometiion where I need to eat less than everybody-which is hard because JP hardle eats, either because of his stomach problems (acid reflux) or the things that make him feel normal.. and he barely eats and so ifeel like some pig-glutton

and i regeret leaving henderonville so much



Yes, I was lonely.
But
If i do ever have the guts to leave him
the courage
the strength
but i have dedicated nearly 2 years of my life
denied so many job offers
spent so much money
so much time
so much of me
has gone into him
into this relationship
and it CAN work
once again i return to thte song



and the thing i he doesnt understand
he doesn't think hes f** up when he clearly is
He doesn't think he should have to pay me back as much as he should because he was f*** up when he asked for the money blah blah blah
but i truly do love him
i do

but
even if i did end it
where would i start over?
would i go to my coffee shop in the san juan islands where i am loved and accepted,.. even though he will be wokring there?
i just denied 2 Zoo jobs.. and left my teaching job. for him... left Ziggy fun friend.. left so much,.
my heart would break

and the thing is
i coould make it work here.. with him.. because i have..
but Ziggy helped show me again fun life
and various other people too
JP can be fun at times.. but he gives the best hugs. makes me feel safe and warm.. takes care of me...
i dont know
i dont know
FAT IS NOT A FEELING
FAT IS NOT A FEELING
.....