I do not like mirrors. I do not like what I see. And they mess with my head.. (except they don’t just “mess”, they “f****” because its more than just a “mess”)
in fact today.. at the airport I went into one and was completely disgusted by what I saw. I retreated into myself and wandered around not starting at anyone, closed off, cranked my music, refused to buy food/snack even though I was hungry. I just DID not like what I saw.
A little later, I gave in and went to the Grove snack place where you can buy snacks by the pound.. I got gummies and some candied/toffee peanuts.. It came to be $4.09.. I had $3.. so I dug and dug in my bag for change.. was sooo close.. and then all of a sudden I heard a clinging of change hitting the floor. It was too far from me to have fallen from my bag, so I looked around to see if someone dropped it and I saw this table of (hott) guys staring in my direction.. so I picked it up, paid for my purchase and turned around to thank them… kind of wanted to stay, but felt too vulnerable/dumb being me so I left.. on my way back to my gate I checked in the mirror again and (even though it was a quick glance) I had a smile of satisfaction..
Yes.. I suppose it could have to do with the fact those guys helped me out (And WoW all of them were..like.. rugby type guys... looked like they could get ruff, but at the same time almost too “pretty” for me)
☺
and Now I wait.
I got tired of wandering the airport and my eyeballs ache. In 2 and a half hours I will be in Florida.
And I know hes going to coment on how he hasn’t eaten anything. And I know I am going to review in my head every SINGLE bite/crumb I ate and compare and feel like some pig.
As always.
I want so badly to ACCEPT myself.. my body.. And I hate mirrors because each time I look in them I look different.. my belly is bigger or flatter or I am more tan or red bits over my face or smooth skin.. It depends on the lighting.. what happened previously.. who I interacted with and how it went. FAT IS NOT A FEELING.
So I listen to light hearted songs.
So I talk to people that bring me UP and are not emotional vampires.
I do not need emotional vampires. I do not need my soul and happiness sucked out of me.

And I have been craving sugar.. pure sugar pretty much.. in the form of gummi bears, chocolate, gummi worms, strawberries dipped over and over again in sugar..
And I hate it
Because I know what is going ot happen if I keep on this eating plan.
Each night I tell myself I am going to start in the morning eating Cheerios (even if it has some sugar at the bottom of the bowl) and later on a salad-or even a SANDWICH! instead of not eating breakfast/lunch and snacking all day.
I will get it one of these days.. hopefully before my body starts expanding too much..

I am going to miss Carolina.. and I got calls from 2 people I work with/for yesterday giving me good wishes for the future and that I always have a place to work if I come back..

YOU WERE BORN AN ORIGIONAL-DON’T DIE A COPY