WHY am i so attached to him?
I feel so sad and empty...
is it because i am home?
is it beacuse he isnt with me?
Orrr
the fact that the apartment i have my heart set on wont be ready for who knows how long.. the girl cant seem to find a new place to move into.. i guess.. she keeps waiting for credit checks and whatnot to go through.... and is checking on a new place sunday
i just want to move in
i just want him with me
i just want to work
i just want everything to be alright again


and my parents want me to go back to school
and im nervous about this pottery studio thingie.. wanting it bad but scared that its not the right path
keep thinking of how much fun i had wotking at the zoo. and and childrens museums. and how good it felt to work in the hospital as i was working to be a child life specialist
but the zoo- i try.. no one hires me
childrens museums- no openings.. or no one will hire
child life - would have to go back to school.. or at least take a certification exam.. PLUS there is little to no work available..

so off i go
to get my 5,000 out of my CD account at one bank.. deposit it in another..
head to hendersonville to stay with Carina and babysit her lovely little one..
and wait
for my apartment to be open (i have been looking for others but there simply are not any)
wait
to see if i like working with the studio
wait
to see if i can be happy.. or at least satisfied with life

It was soo pretty up in the mountains
and chilly too
and all of everything came back to me
all the happy times at talisman
the pottery studio
living in Flat Rock
playing it up at the irish bar/pub
the place is so pretty that i might move into
right in downtown.. on main street
just waiting for the girl to move out
waiting for confirmation on the job at the YMCA
going to take it slowly in terms of deciding if i want tot ake over the business
whatever happens happens
i just want it to start

Soon enough i will be out of here
i am so much more than ready
we were supposed to head out today.. spend the night with a friend of his in Spartanburg so we would be closer for my interveiw and for when i babysit. but the way things went last night i couldnt get to sleep and he wasnt ready to sleep-too busy doing-finishing what he got.
I told him too
i told him that there was no way we were going to make it anywhere because we would sleep too late
which got him mad because that would mean he was wrong.. i guess
but we woke up at 2:30
thats a new record
i dont like living like this.
i almost went home today
but it as already 3 or so by the time i decided.. which would get me in at 8..
and i didnt feel like spending the entire day driving.

I am soo ready to go
it gets harder and harder to get out of bed.. not knowing what the day is going to bring.. if is he soing to be oka with watching tv.. if he has some scheme. if he is going to pass out on me..
and we stay up soo late.. even though i am past the point of tired at around midnight.. he is NOT at all.. so i try so hard to stay awake to keep him company.. "I wish we had something to do" he would say.. i would think, YEA LIKE GO TO SLEEP

= I AM going to start off with him moving in with me.. but if things dont get better i am sending him back home. I DO need him but it hurts so much and i hate seeing him drugged up and

Last night he passed out at 8, i tried to wake him up multiple times. started crying because i was sick of being lonely. I had no where t go since i was too late to drive home, his parents were asleep upstairs. I was in NO mood to watch tv or read. I wanted HIM.. AWAKE.. so i kept crying.. went back adn forth from the back porch listening to music and back to him. Wishing that when he woke up he would come find me and feel bad. but i knew that when he woke up he wouldn't come looking for me. He would look around.. see that i was not there.. be like "whatever" and go do it again..
so when i finally woke him up he started getting pissed off "Alyways crying, your always crying. what is it this time." and then he locked himself in the bathroom saying he had to go to o the bathroom. I told him he was a liar and to open the door cuz i KNEW what he was doing in there.
He yelled back that he wasn't a liar, sighed that exasperated sigh that means "Im so sick of this/you" and continued doing what he was doing.
i left to go outside
came back in because i couldn't take the thought of him thinking me to be a bitch
so i said "im sorry. i was just upset that you were asleep when all i wanted to do was to spend time with you'"
"TO dO whaT?? this?" he asked indicating toward the drugs.
"NO!"
"Then what? to fuck?" he asked in such a DISGUSTED manner. (making me feel as though having sex with me was the last thing he wanted to do)
"No!... I dont know.. to talk.. to watch tv.. to be with me..."
"Whatever" and he shit the door and continued what he was doing..

later he went out to get one more cuz apparently i made him so upset with my crying that i made him lose one pill and i offered to buy him another..
he came back with a pill for me.. and other stuff for us to share
that is NOT the kind of pick me up present i wanted.
cotton candy would have been nice.. strawberries.. an apple. even a rock ont he side of the road.. but no.. he brought back tjis other stuff as a way of making me happy.
i was too tired to say or do anything.
so i got it over with and fell asleep.

now what?
He has this elaborate plan of going up to the mountains.. staying with a friend in Spartanburg,,. a friend in Boone.. and then Hendersonville on our way home.. but we apparently cant do it without "supplies"" and I had nothing to do with those "Supplies" getting gone so quickly.

a nd hes done so much he pukes all the time
and then when he does get the sense to eat its fruit cups and italian ice and pickles. i try to get it through his head that there is NO WAY he is going to gain weight if he eats those things. heneeds peanut butter. ice cream... etc.

meanwhile
i eat
and feel like shit
as usual

Decided
after months of hoping
of waiting
of wishing
to get a job down near where he is
i am done
done looking
done searching
done hoping

and am going home
where I am wanted
to Hendersonville again.

He is back to his same old ways... worse sometimes.. better others..
but i think the WORST is that he has me roped in deep now too.
getting me to like the things he does
getting me to feel that rush
and i love it
and i HATE that
and i need to get away
from him?
get both of us away from this house?
I dont know
but
i know I need to go back to where I was last happy
and things are coming together
I have an apartment garunteed once the girl moves out..
some work back at my pottery studio where I love
plus potential work at the YMCA as a Child Care Aide.. with benefits of free usage of the YMCA.
I am going to clean up
do right
live life the way it is sUPPOSED to be lived
let people into my life
talk to people
and if someone wants to show me how a girl is SUPPOSED to be treated
and i happen to fall for him
is that so wrong?

i am ready to leave