This time.. going back to him was WONDROUS
he was there
the whole time
his sister came to visit for a bit too
we all went to the beach and i played in the waves and played and they knocked me over.. knocked me down.. untied my swimsuit..

Oh yea.. his mom bought me a bikini.
and i actually wore it
and i actually like it
as long as i dont lookin the mirror too long

the beach was soo much fun
the waves were brutal
he came after an hour.. he had to take his dad to the doctor.. and then he came
and he came in the water with me
:)

and every thing he does
every thing he says
the way he looks at me
i can tell
more than ever

and little Taylor came to play
and i LOVE that she cuddles with me on the couch.. or that she made me hold her while we went to the hospital (where we were dropping her off with the grandparents she lives with who were visiting JPs uncle/the grandparents son) and wouldn't let me put her down... and how as soon as she sees me she runs and hugs me to the point she nearly knocks me down

and when i get bored i just walk down to the end of their pier.. crawl up the banister on the end and sit there watching all the boats go by.. wishing i could be on one..
its so peaceful

and we have been watching Breaking Bad. VERY intense show.. its gripping.. captivating.. and seriously.. i get so into it that when it is over.. or we pause it i have to stop and remind myself where i am.. who i am with.. what day it is..

lots of boring times we filled up with fun

and today i woke up so so very sad
which wasnt the best thing.. leaving him when i was sad.. but that was PART of the reason i was sad.

and i feel lazy
but i stil havent done a whole lot about it today

but
HAPPY NEWS
i have a job interview with the Audobon Insectarium in New Orleans October 2nd.
At first i thought it was a phone interview, but it turns out it is a interview i have to GO to..
which isnt necessarily a BAD thing
i just need to recruit someone to come with me
and really..
who WOULDNT want to go to New Orleans?

:)

I am scared to get too excited
scared to get too hopeeful
i have been hurt too much
but i cant help myself

NOTHING but sad

1. I got a call from ATT wireless today...
when i moved out of the cottage in Flat Rock I left the wireless for Zack and JP.
JP went home and i left the wireless for Zack.
I guess we should have switched it to his name
because today I had to pay $460 worth of internet I DID NOT USE.
and Zack still owes me from when I bought his tattoo... atleast $135
and i cannot get ahold of him.. and he will not call me back

2. no calls.. no emails but rejection emails
I keep hoping.. thinking that the places I applied to are waiting for the applicants to pile up and then they will start with the interviews.. but hope is waning-so is patience and happiness
I grew up beleiving that I would be a good girl
that i would be one of those that would just get a job right out of college.
because i AM smart and talented
but now i feel like a failure
still living with my parents
no job.. low on money.. etc.

3. i miss JP

4. my car is still in the shop.. the FIRST one we sent it to-it sat in the parking lot for a week.. then he teetered with it.. 2 weeks later he decided he could do nothing with it. SO my parents transfered it to ANOTHER place Friday (I would have but I was gone..boy do I love my parents) and THAT place will supposedly have the "diagnosis" tomorrow (Thursday).
It is a good little car
Lasted me though college-PLUS the year before..

5. Kayaking on the river is sooo frustrating because the water is SOO low due to the dams..
It is hard to paddle when every time you bring your paddle up, it is covered in seaweed.

6. Exercise... moving.. eating right
nothing
still look icky
GRANTED it hasnt been a whole long time
but piled on top of everything else.. and the short hairdo
mirrors are hard to look at


BUT
GOOD THINGS

I bought a size 7 pair of flare jeans at Target..
YAY
I like them

I went to water aerobics.. ALONE.. and danced in the water with a bunch of saggy old ladies
LOVE
inspired me to be a swim teacher.. because for the half hour before (i got there way too early out of nervousness) i watched a class of 5 four year olds jumping, splashing, playing, laughing in the water... I want to be that teacher

I wrote down the numbers of volunteer opportunities here in Augusta... the YMCA.. sent an email to the local schools asking what I could do while I was here.. the Animal Shelter (which doesnt have training for another 2 weeks)

NEXT UP

---convince my mom and dad the benefits and necessity of pet therapy.. how it would help my mental/emotional situation at the moment and forevermore
---garter belt
--once my car is done.. go to visit my friend Amanda and take a Pole Dancing class OR OR OR get up the courage to do it myself at the one here in Augusta...

soo..
home again
after super fun with Emily...
home for a night..
freaking out cuz the car wasnt ready..
dad let me use his car
and i went to him Thursday night
happy reunion
made my worries disappear.. atleast the ones of him being sick of me...
but hes still not well off
too much time on his hands and money in the bank..
there were fun tiimes though :)
that first night was nice..
Friday.. was a dud.. involving going back and forth to the DMV 3 times only to find out he couldn't get a new license (he lost his) because he has to pay a fine from an arrest/something that happened back in 2002... crashed early.. leaving me to wonder what to do for the rest of the night
Saturday.. we went to Taylors birthday party in Myryle Beach at an arcade.. he was out of it-but functional and we were able to play some games.. walk to the pier.. and decide that New Orleans would be a fun place to move... once again he crashed early..
Sunday.. we drove out to Myrtle beach with his mom and sister so they could all visit their uncle in the hospital.. crazy things happened that involved phone calls and i felt left out cuz i had NO idea what was going on.. it turned out little Taylor got to go with us for hte day while her grandparents went to visit the uncle in the hospital.. ANYWAY.. we went to a cool little boardwalk and Taylor and I had a ball feeding fish and finding all kinds of cool little shops and stores and themed restaurants and riding the Pirate Ship ride and then going to JimmyBuffet's Margaritaville.. i mostly hung with her.. but JP did come and walk beside me.. held my hand, etc. .. i drove him to get stuff again... and he crashed ear;ly again..
Today i left.
and even though he passed out around 7 three nights in a row ended up owing me $80.. etc. etc.
I had the deepest sadness.. the biggest urge to turn back
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SOOOOO GOOD TO ME
so sweet
telling me he loves me a million times a day
telling me hes going to marry me
and then does the things he does
and i try to explain to him how scary it is to me to find him afterwards.. or how frustrating and lonely it is to watch him pass out on me.. or nod off with the cigarette in his hand.. or over his food..

but i am still branching out
applying to places far away and near..
anything to do with animals.. outdoors.. kids.. any combination.

more later..

but also
im continuing my mission.. cracking down.. being more serious.. cutting out sugar, etc. eating healthier.. making a smoothie with fruit and soymilk for breakfast instead of skipping.. better better better

Ohhh times with Emily
GLORiOUS
we puttered around a bit.. but also painted the entire kitchen cabinets and most of the cabinet doors as well.. (along with everyehere on me-NOT neccesarily on purpose..)
and her boat.. which was soooo sooo slow.. a pontoon boat? I dont remember what they called it.. it was nice to be out on the water.. in the sun.. but the slowness aggravated my ADD
then the friends came over.. and then the goat
and then we made booties for hte goat.. put him on the trampoline :) poor thing
.......
more polaris.. more wine.. tons of fun.. but i felt something in the back of my mind.. or down in my heart.. i dont know.. a creeping sadness.. wishing JP were here..
but the people i was with..
wow
they feed me super naturally delicious honey.. Chia seeds.. tons of all this organic herbal stuff.. cuz one of the guys is a herbalist..
and then after our LAST and final ride
Baked Butternut squash that was soaking in butter, honey and cinnamon..
they were trying to get me fat again
the polaris though.. WOW.. rockin rollin.. i am glad i was between the 2 guys because i nearly few off many times but instead flew into them..


but then
today i woke up with a deep sadness
felt like crying all morning.. and after emily left for work i burst into tears... cried JP who was too sleepy from just waking up and who knows what else so he was not very conversational.. i said goodbye, hung up and cried more.. then called my dad to make sure the car was going to be fixed by tomorrow so i could drive MY car to JP thursday.. and he said he doubted it.. i hung up and cried more.. then finished painting the cabinets.. settled down on the couch..
and its all snowballing
and i need to remember the things i read to be happy
gratitude.. even though my hair looks like shit from the incompetent woman who cut my hair the other day.. atleast i dyed it yesterday and it looks semi-ok
iving in the moment.. i love this music... my time with JP will come-even if it wont be til Friday.. its only the "Monday" of this week-OF COURSE people wouldnt have responded to my emails/resumes i sent out on Friday...

then again
some of this music isnt helping
bringing me back to when i heard it.. with JP.. or as a kid.. or in Tuscaloosa..
but then again i DO tend to only remember the GOOD.. and my memories disregard the BAD and SAD..
and the stupid food issues.. body issues.. are not being helped by this haircut.. or that day i got off the treadmill only to find my mom watching the "Top 25 sexiest bodies" or something and immediately all positive body image i had was popped.

Atleast i know now that while riding on the polaris, apparently i make QUITE the interesting sound effect.... which entertained hte boys.. I CANT HELP THAT I SQUEAL and Scream from excitement.. i like things fast and intesnse..

LOVE
WHAT a fun night!!
Oh wow
Love it here with emily/
AFter hugs and catch up we went over to her friends, Thomas and Matt.
WHERE I WAS TAKEN TO THEIR litter of the cutest little puppies.. and then to their goats..
and then we road on the Polaris/4 wheeler...
THEN went swimming in the pond.. where i got to play and swim and tread and bond and try to catch the animals in the water (i was convinced the bubbles that were appearing in the latke/pond were animals below EVEN tho they assured me the bubbles were just THERE) ...Looking for the Loch Ness Monster.. or other lake/pond creatures..
Later... we were just chillin.. Matt playing banjo.. Thomas playing video games.. and then the wine came
I am bad with drinks.. i drink .. i dont "sip" or "nurse" my drink.. mine was gone in a matter of 5 seconds.. OOPS
so for the rest of hte night i was in this pretty haze.. laughing.. wondering out loud.. watching the passionate sex scene from MR. and Mrs. Smith
and then
all of a sudden
"ALL RIGHT! ITS TIME!"
we went back out on the 4-wheeler for who knows HOW long of intense fun.. i was in hte back sitting on a board in between 2 guys (so i wouldnt fly out) GRAPSING on for dear life to the poles and bars in front of me.. trying to judge when to lift my bum during the huge dips and crevices..
and we stopped a few times.. to let the engine cool.. just chatting.. shooting the breeze.. going on and on abour random.. LOVE it.. miss it.. need it..

Happy?

Found an article..
i was sad
so i searched how to be happy

1. "The happiest people spend the least time alone. They pursue personal growth and intimacy; they judge themselves by their own yardsticks, never against what others do or have."

SPEND THE LEAST TIME ALONE
in a way, yes thats what i want. I want friends. I want family. I want to be surrounded by those that make me happy.
yet, alone time is essential too.. to clear your head.. to listen to your own music.. to float away...

2. "Life satisfaction occurs most often when people are engaged in absorbing activities that cause them to forget themselves, lose track of time and stop worrying."

Which can be found when I am kayaking... engaged in Wii (Yay for Wii Sports!)... sleeping.. laying with JP... jumping on a trampoline.. board games.. laughing with friends.. hookah.. N64 tournaments.. cooking/baking.. waitressing tables (unless the occasional nasty customer comes along)
books.. i cant even read them very well anymore-in terms that i get ansy.. feel as though i need to be DOING... not just reading

3. "Gratitude has a lot to do with life satisfaction, psychologists say. Talking and writing about what they're grateful for amplifies adults' happiness, new studies show."

I think i do need to make a new list of things i am grateful for.. I know i did that A LOT in treatment.. but its about time for a new one...

ALSO, from 7 Lessons Kids Can Teach Us
LIVINg IN THE PRESENT..
which i am not so good at.. i will admit..
I want to be like a kid again.. live IN THE MOMENT.. not always wanting to know whats next.. and i do tend to hang onto things much too long.. like when JP would yell at me or whatnot for driivng weird or not paying attention to something or crying too much.. I help onto his anger for awhile.. ruminating.. and less than 10 minutes later hed talk to me as though nothing had happened...

SINGLE FOCUS WHILE DOING THINGS
When you are doing something do it,,,, dont overwhelm with all the things you need to do

USE IMAGINATION
Sometimes... I am too good at that

ALWAYS JOYFUL
finding joy in little things.. when i am happy.. in a good mood I am able to do that.. but i find its hard to take pleasure in the little things when there is a dark cloud over my head.. or when i am in that Over-analyze phase/fit.. its hard to snap back out

ABSOLUTE FAITH IN GETTING WISHES FULLFILLED
once again.. I am this too,.. but hesitation lingers.. beacuse I have been there before.. have been crushed before when hopes and wishes were up..

INHERENT GOOD IN OTHERS..
i do beleive that.. yes.. which does get me into trouble sometimes.. but makes for happier interactions until/if that time comes!
\


Well..
now I am off to Emily.. my best friend down in Alabama.. a much needed time... jumping on her trampoline.. laughing.. hookah.. friends.. beautiful room with paint splatters covering the entire wall, floor and ceiling.. "working" with her at her hardware store
and hten home Wednesda night
and then.. JP..

:(
Im sad
missing him
hating that its a 3 day weekend which means even more wait until i get word back from anyone on a job
im going to Emilys tomorrow for a few days.. excited, yes. but yet that stupid boy wont get out of my head.

I went kayakin with my parents this morning.. loved it!
lots of big fish.. and a fisherman yelled at us even though we made a huge effort to get out of his way.
i love my dad
hes such a dork
just like me
but i miss friends

and why cant i just relax and enjoy what i have now? the no job.. the freedom.. the not having to pay rent (though I do have to pay for my own food much of hte time-even wehn i go with my mom to the grocery store)

and i have been trying soo hard
for soo long
and havent gotten any better.. smaller...
and yet i see everyone around me eating eating eating and no change.. no gain..

i thought i was doing so well..

There is a job in Phoenix that was just posted on the AZA website.. at the Phoenix Zoo.. as the Sleepover Staff.. hosting the parties and whatnot that sleep over at the zoo...
imagine that..
would LOVE it

BUT HE WONT LEAVE MY HEAD
EVERYTHING I DO everything i think.. he is there.. he is factored in.. "I want to take him here on the kayak.. he would LOVE it.." "I wonder if he would move with me to Phoenix.. or just visit.."
I mean, we are taking a break from "living together 24/7"
but how else is the future going to be?
If we DO marry.. wont we be like that?
Yes we will both (hopefully) be working and see each other at nights..
but he was GONE for most of the time during the summer.. and when he was home i was working..

i dont know
i dont know
and i keep spending more and more time with my dad... wishing that i could find someone more like him...
Dorky.. will drink wine at night with me.. is up for adventure almost anytime.. is silly/stupid but doesnt care..

i dont know i dont know i dont know

but i feel like crying when i think of how long it will take for me to get to him..

Soooo
tings are slow
life is slow
i do NOT like not having a job
piddling around..
treadmill every morning.. the dreaded 45 minutes..
then tinker around a little more.. dabble with the Wii... run errands with my mom while she talks to herself and yells at the drivers around her and buys 5 million things at the grocery store and uses the self checkout swearing every few seconds beceause it tells her to do something..
then kayak
my favorite time
out there on the water.. soo calm.. soo flat.. soo beautiful.. dont really want to come in at the end of the day.. but i know Dads coming home :)
and then dinner
and i love my daddy
i am most definatly his child
and my mom starts drinking at 5 or so and continues til late and she cant even find the ash tray for her cigarettes..

and then everything i think.. everything i do.. he is factored in somehow
its sooo frustrating
i find a potential job
then automatically
"i wonder if it is a place he could live.. he could visit.. what would he do... is there enough for him around there?"
no matter what the answer is i usualy apply anyway

mom and dad want me to go back to school
they also want me to stay at home with them
sorry...

I just want a kitty and a job and to be with JP
or to travel
why not?
my dad did it for 3 months with his best friend down in South America
why cant i follow in his tracks?
It doesnt even have to be 3 months..

Oh
and went into Wal-Mart for the first time in 4 months
never again
i am totally over it
and ESPECIALLY after viewing
http://peopleofwalmart.com/
i keep looking for those people.. hoping people arent taking pictures of me
America....

Amazing day

beautiful day

blazing sun out on the Savannah river... not a soul in sight... i was chasing fish.. they were skittering out in front of the kayak trying to get out of the way.. many many Great Blue Herons..

on the way back, I was found a little alcove that i went in to explore... tall tall reeds all around.. and i found a little path in the weeds big enough for a kayak (though i pretended it was for an alligator) and i came to this little "lake" in hte middle of the tall tall reeds

just imagine...
laying back in your kayak.. Greatful Dead's "Ripple" softly playing in your headphones.. Georgia sun warming your face... dragon flies and butterflies landing on you and flittering about in front of your eyes.. mystical-hair-like seaweed all around you... the occasional flower floating in the water..

LOVE

now back to home.. more job hunting.. soul searching.. dream catching..

Indonesia is looking more nad more interesting.. tantalizing..
why not?

Well.
Hes gone
our last night was at my house.. my parents were out of town..
i had this magical idea that we could play Wii... or board games.. or go out to dinner and have a drink..
things NORMAL people do
but of course he is not normal
FAR from it
so he dabbled in his stuff a bit.. sat around.. I didnt push him because I was scared he would get irritable at me again
and then he suggested we ride downtown
My hopes flew
Maybe he did want to go do something!
Maybe he did want to go for a drink.. or dinner,,,
but as i was driving down there I could tell he was still uppity..
"I didnt know your neighborhood was ON the Savannah River.. That was the reason why I wanted to go downtown"
(even though i told him many times it was on the river)
He is good at having no plans.. just doing...
I get frustrated when I dont know what we are doing.. I need to know SOMEWHAT what to expect..
It ended up in him making me pull over, asking me WHY I was so F***ing stressed out and upset... That i MUST have had something I wanted to do that i wasnt telling him... in such a tone that hurttttt and i cried while he walked out
this was NOT my idea of our last night
I had kept my hopes to myself because I felt they were sillly.. I knew he wouldn't eat anyway and if I brought it up he would flip again, "You KNOW I am not going to eat anything"
He did come back for me
and so it continued... me being too scared to say anything because of his potential reaction
him going on and on about how i blow things out of proportion... get upset for stupid reasons.. cry too much.. and i asked him why he was still with me if i upset him this much, "Because for some reason I keep hoping that you will get it through your head that bapidfjao;jgoerjg"
I forgot what he said actually
i just remember HOW he said it and how he couldnt even look at me
but he doesnt understand that all my life growing up with Kyle-ALL of my idea were stupid and worthless.. that I was pretty much the same... and that I had seen that scorn before.. that anger with me.. the disgust...

Slowly I pushed it all away and was able to get back to normal.. I DID want a drink, but decided to wait until i got home (to which he got frustrated "I thought you WANTED to get a drink!"... "Yes, I do. But it makes no sense to go in, get a drink, and leave like that.. I'd rather wait til i get home where its free." ... "I don't understand you.")
and we went to the tattoo parlor to browse.. contemplate a new one.. he quickly got bored and we left to go back home..
the rest of the night was fine.. bordering on lovely

I still have teaching English in Thailand up in the air,,, as well as teaching in Indonesia...
and i dont know if the reason WHY i want to do those is because I DO want to run away from everything.. or because i ReaLLY do want to do it?
or both?
and then there is Teach For America which i have been contemplating..
and then.. Zoos?
who knows
and he left me today
saying hed see me in a couple weeks.. that we would visit each other until our futures became more clear..
not to factor him in when I look for a job.. thats the part that hurts me the most i guess
but he also claims that we arent breaking upl... that he isnt giving up on me... that i complete him...
which is so so hard to beleive sometimes
but i do still love him
He makes me feel deeper.. happiest ive ever been.. saddest ive ever been.. given more of myself to him.. invested a lot in him.. in us..

And i still have dreams
of going to concerts.. of being happy for long times.. to not be so self-conscious.. to be okay with myself in clothes.. to make people laugh.. to inspire..
but as far as my dreams? everyone says i need to follow them..
but how can i when my dream changes every day?