and the summer is done
we drove for 3 days... 2,900 miles.. and are now in Boone, NC so he could get his "gold at the end of the rainbow"
and visit his friend
The trip was horrible.. most of the time.. very irritable, frustrated with everything i did when i drove... and when i wasn't i said everything wrong or something i dont know... but he SNAPPED so much
and then swore in aggravation when i cried as a result of his outbursts.
i cant hlp but cry when i know i disappointed someone.. or messed up.. or caused him such strife that he had to react in such a way..
and the way he looked at me sometimes as though i were the scummiest thing on earth.. that he was sooo sick of me he couldn't stand to look at me..
771 miles the first day. plus a 2 hour ferry ride and an hour wait beforehand.. THE night after i had too much fun with my friuneds from the summer which i will never see again
1000 the second day
1100 the third day
and we are in Boone
and he got his gold
but i give him props
he is delicious to me.. beautiful.. SOO much better htan the car ride
it was because he was on a mission
he had something he needed to get
and got irritated when things slowed him down...
but now that we are here
and he got his fun
now i am his fun

but we are still taking a break
figuring out what to do next
he claims he is still going to come back to me
but this trip wore me down.. made me think otherwise.. the way he talked.. the tone.. the aggravation,.. the looks he gave me. the way he sighed and shook his head in disbelief...disgust
all like my brother
who, by the way, would be celebrating his 26th birthday today

tomorrow i go home
visit with my parents
and then head down to Emily
myBEST friend
who i NEED more than ever
and need to laugh
(i also need my N64, my movies, my oil incense burner, and someone to hookah with)

as far as a job?
my parents want em to sta y wtihthem and take a course which our neighbor teaches to get me a teaching degree
I want to stay wtih emily.. i want to teach English in Thailand or Indonesia,, I want to go hiking until i am okay with myself again.. i want to be with JP... i want to break free,., i want to explore,, i want to work with animals. i want to work with kids,,, '

which one?
who knows

things are slowing down...
\last day of work tomorrow...
and then i get a "party" from my lady cook who inspired me to get my Purple PEnny Pleaser..
2 bartenders... my other cook, Abe who helps me also pick out fruit at the grocery store he works at...
plus.. who knows?
let loose a little :)

then.. Friday we leave.. ?
he is supposed to work this weekend.. but he doesnt want to.. I dont want to stay another weekend.. so he is thinking of making some excuse as to why he cannot stay..

and then we go home.
Him to his house.. to face his parents "What are you going to do nexT?" etc etc and figure out what he wants to do next
I go to my house... to decide my next route..
follow him?
does he want me to follow him?
remove myself from everything and everyone nad teach in Thailand?
work at a zoo... see if he will follow...

i applied to soo many places...
I am scared
SUCH big decisions ahead..

yes he SAID he would marry me in 5 years...
but what will we DO to SUPPORT ourselveS?
he is not one to settle down and get a job.. stay in a place for a bit
he is a hopper.. hopping to where the seasonal jobs are.. then back to his parents..
in Dixie..

Yes, I will be quite heart broken... life shattered... if we do end up parting ways
for some reason
or even LIVE far away from each other
because I am big on NEARNESS.. TOUCHING.. HOLDING
because of the past.. the whole Object Permanence thing.. where if someone is not with me, how can they think of me.. remember me.. still like me.. miss me?

The people here at work are begging me to stay...
I have freinds in Tuscaloosa waiting for me to come visit..
my best freind in Alabama is jonesin for me to come stay

NO idea what I am going to do with the rest of my time..
We are leaving around or before the last of the month.
I am slightly sad about that.
I have grown used to this place... to playing with Jay at work.. shes my favorite person on the island... running around catering to tables.. walking up that hill... our little home..
And when we get back.. what next?
Neither of us have solid plans
I have the opportunity to work in Hendersonville and maybe tkae over the business... but that terrifies me.. stuck in a small town.. tho there is no better small town to be stuck in really... and i LOVE the studio.. and I would get to work my own hours.. but i dont know about being married to a business.. money issues.. responsibility.. scares me..
Working at a zoo..
i want to soo bad
even be a zookeeper.
IMAGINE THAT!
and i cant decide where I want to live,... how to find a job overseas... how to find a job thats LEGITIMATE and all that overseas.. how to become an art teacher and what i need to do in order to become one...
Portland?
Asheville?
Somewhere theres an interesting job?
will JP follow me?
will he go on the AT trail for months or do one of those wilderness jobs where I will never see him anyways?

but JP?
What about him?
Hes going back to his home
im going to mine,
and then...

he claims he is going to marry me within 5 years..
but i dont deal well with not knowing what to expect in the future.
yes i love living in different places
i love the novelty.. the variety..

I bought a vibrator
HA!
It was Heathers idea.
a simple, short-term solution

i feel naughty
i feel empowered
i am excited
but it wont get here for awhile


i have nightmares about work.. daymares..
the past 2 days have been horrible..
Thursday i caled in before 10, cuz usually i have to cover this other girls shift.. they said no, they didnt need me.
I made plans to help JP pack for his 3 day with 6 people
we got all the way out to Baller Hill where we had limited reception..
I got the call
plans canceled
i was pissed
JP was pissed
I worked all day. exhausted.. wanting to be anywhere but there

Thursday night was beautiful
i was energetic
happy
excited
we went drinking.. I am a one hit wonder.. so one got mee through from 7:45 til midnight or whenever we went home.
i was playing ping pong with others... i got to play with JP and Chris... etc etc.
i was truly happy
except he passed out AS SOON as we got home

Friday i got the call at 7am saying i was late and was supposed to eb in at 6:30.
My shift was switched
JP couldnt take me cuz he wasnt awake yet and needed to be somehwere to pick up his people at a certain time and i was supposed to drop him off but now i couldnt
so i half ran down the road the entire half hour half crying too scared to stick out my thumb to hitchhike..
i made it
they said it was no big deal
TJ said he couldnt finish the day
so i finished it for him
nearly breaking down a few more times..

havent found the beauty in my breakdown
FrouFrou.. their song.. it MAY be true.. maybe the beauty is coming

last night i fell asleep at 7:15.. woke up for a phone call from JP at 9 and fell back asleep at 9:30...

i needed that
me time
sleep time
and
my purchase..
(:

Too long.. too long..
our internet that we were mooching off of disappeared... so i am estranged from anything and everything out there now.. especially when he is gone.
and i still let the image I see.. either in the mirror.. when i look down.. the feel of my arms.. the feel of my thighs brushing..
ruin
rule
dictate
my day
my mood
my eating

And i wonder sometimes if he is with me out of convenience and availability or out of LOVE
and im too scared to DO anything about it
I do talk to more people about things
the 2 guys JP and I hang out with... are so nice to me.,, include me.. visit me at work..
last night we went to eat... where JP declared he hadnt eaten or had any drink on his 2 day kayak trip except for like 5 ravioli, a cup of lemonade and a cup of fruit punch
I WAS going to eat dinner with him (and Chris who was with us)
but once he said that
it burst
i went though all the crap i ate
looked down..
etc etc. etc. compared the energy he expended to what i did..
and i couldnt eat the pizza.. though Chris, once he found out that i dont really like pizza that much anyway except the crust, would slip his crust on my plate
and then we went to play pool.
I am better when we go to Herbs because there are a lot more poeple there.. people with character.. and its one room.. so you are force to see.. to look.. etc. you are on display.
Whereas at the other place, The China Pearl Lounge.. its in a dark upstairs joint the pool tables are in a semi-separate room from the other area which has foose ball and ping pong. but NO ONE Goes there
so i just meander around the pool table room.. sit on the couch.. text.. chitchat with James while JP goes on and does his thing
ANYWAY
after each of the 3 games they played i kept going up to JP saying, :Next time i want to play too. lets play cut throat"
never happened
he played against this old guy ina wheelchair.. who kept grappling my bum and getting soo close to my thigh.. JP laughed.. i did not know what to do! yes.. he was drunk.. yes he did not necessarily MEAN anything.. but wow did i feel uncomfortable.
then we went on a snowy adventure that relusted in me falling blissfully alseep at 2 :30 am nly to wake 2 hours later to work

work is ridiculous lately..
either super busy..
or super slow
i over-exert myself too... mop the floor (no one else does) sweep the floor (the rest just run the vacuum over it) etc. etc.
and then i walk home
and though i do and do and do
and exhaust myself beyond everything
and cut back on foodstuffs
i am no smaller
i feel no lighter
i am no happier

JP was really happy the other night though.
we went to the Pearl.
i was waiting for more people to show up so that i could entice someone in a game of Pingpong or Foose ball.. hinting to JP that i would love to join in aon a game of pool if he could..
but my freind from work, TJ called and had me come over to Herbs
QUITE the different scene there... crowded with drunks and crazies.. the other guy from my work was there drunkely falling off the bar stoool mumbling to me about things.. things he says at work all the time..
I played pool with a guy... i didnt really MEAN to.. i got sucked in.. But it was fun. I liked to hear the clanking of the balls. I was horrible
but i laughed
he kept putting his hands on my back.. leaning in to hear me talk.. getting close..
i wasnt sure if i liked it or not..
i left after that game, to go back to the Pearl, hoping for a hug or a smile or some sort of welcome from JP.
TJ followed me
as soon as we opened hte doors, i saw him playing a enlivened game of Ping Pong with some girl, a new guide for Crystal Seas.
it hurt.
he was so happy
he was laughing
he didnt even really acknowledge me.
i wasn't going to drink
buit after that i did.. and almost cried.. Chris knew something was up.. he knows-sees the frustrations i have.. he is somewhat more perceptive than JP is.. and sees the difference in energy levels.. and how i am left out.. he tires for me..
and to get me to smile again he agreed to play foose ball with me :)
later that night, after he agreed that we were going to leave he was making his rounds to say goodbye
and then i realized he was there on the couch with that girl all over him. He was smiling like a goon.
Needless to say
i was jelous, sad, upset, irritated,.,, but i cant be the jealous bitch to go up to them and do something about it.. until i got fed up.. wandered up and told him that i would meet him in the car and take a nap.. he could take his time..
he knew what i saw by the smile n his face.. the way he rubbed his chin.. pretending to contemplate

whatever
i need to... change? ...
in terms of not be such a crybaby.. not be such a spoil sport.. if i am left out of conversations.. DO something.. dont just sit there getting sadder and sadder
and when i come back from work, exhausted but ready to NOT lay down.. ready to DO.. to play.. to go out.. only to find him laying down... eyes closed.. sighing as though hes at the lowest point in his life.. or sitting up, back to me, curled over so his head is on his knees.
how can i be happy when he acts like that all the time?

TJ.. Chris.. James.. Carrie.. even Jack.. and Jay too.... have all been my saving graces.. they talk.. they include me.. make me feel appreciated.. fun.. like hte old me...
and then JP is
JP