More Kyle

nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
that is how i feel.

Why? Why can't I? I was at the visitation today. I was the only one who really laughed.. I don't know why. I dont think i was necessarily TRYING hard to be funny.. I was just saying whatever came to my mind as usual.

I was the crazy sister of the boy who just died who was wandering around the room spinning and chatting with people about random things and laughing...

It was quite an experience though when no one was talking to me. I kept seeing things out of the corner of my eye... finger pointing... hushed whispers with their hands over their mouths to keep people from lip-reading.. hugs.. tears..

No one knows what to say. Neither do i. No one knows what to do. Neither do i. I wish i could cry. I wish i could feel. The only time when i have really felt much lately is when i am with Dan. I can pretty much escape everything and just be.



Here, there is all kinds of food. I am scared to walk near the kitchen, but I always do.. I am scared to go near the food, but i always do. I am scared to take a bit, but i always do.. and then some..
Everyone keeps telling me that it is how they express their love and sadness and grief and whatnot.
I understand that. That is how they cope. I cope by eating.... I guess... ? I feel vacant.. empty.. but food is not a good filler.

I need to leave here. I sooo want to leave here. I want to go back to Tuscaloosa. But then i would feel guilty for leaving my parents behind. I want to be with people that make me smile.. that I care about.. that i can escape with.. Julea.. Dan... anyone..



Here it is all reality.. all the time... and it is not fun. I have no friends here that i can run to.
At the same time, I hesitate to call anyone because I don't want to bother them. They have their own lives. I do not know how to reach out to people.. what to say... how to describe the fact that I have not cried.. that I sometimes smile for some reason when i tell people that my brother died. I certainly do NOT feel happy. It is just weird to say.. weird to hear myself say that he is dead. Their reactions...










And i had all these plans to save myself from this situation.. to prevent myself from this.. but they all have gone KAPUT! No more. No motivation to paint.. or sew.. or cut out magazine pictures for a collage.. no movies.. no nothing. And it sucks. Big time.