Blah Blah sorry

Okay.
More of this.
Nooo idea what to do.
My mom is especially taking it hard. The only way she unwinds is with some wine.. not the best way.. but it works for her.. she just gets.. cranky.. i guess.
Every time i paint or cook or cut up magazines to create collages or even play the guitar, she has something to say "so messy"... "look at this mess!" .... "I spend all my life.." .... "careful!" .... and her sighs of exasperation... No wonder I don''t feel motivated. I tried tonight, but she did her sighs and whatnot.. kept asking when the movie (that I chose because I thought it would be a fun movie for us) was going to end.. Nope...
--Though she just did come in, giving me a hug and apologizing.. I do love her...

she is going through a hard time though. I feel for her. I do not hold it against her, but it still makes me feel sad.. and bad... and I question WHY I chose to do that..



It is strange though.. word keeps getting back to me that people all think i am the happiest person they know.. or the silliest.. or nicest... or whatever. That is just a word to me. They don't know me. I would much rather remember me in memories than in words...
As in..
"Oh! Penny!/Dana! We were out one night and she .. . "
rather than
"Oh! Dana!/Penny! She is such a nice girl!"
It means so much more to me that way.



I suppose being with people is my escape... being with people that are genuinely interested in me and WANT to be with me. At the visitation today, there were a few of those, but they all acted so sad. It was all a blur to me though. I know i talked to a LOT of people. If you asked me who, i could not tell you who they were.

Halloween fun last year :] well... i suppose it was 2 Halloweens ago... Julea and Victoria and I haunted the streets... I poured honey on everybody.. in their mouths and on their beards..



I suppose i am a memorable person. Not sure why. I try to figure out what it is about me that people like.. that people see... that makes people remember me.. no one has really given me a straight explanation..



I suppose that is what i am doing... finding myself... please don't give up on me.... as i said, i don't know how to reach out to people. I deny my need for help. Mostly because i cant think of what anyone could do.. also because i hate being a burden on people.. everyone has their own problems, I would hate to make them worry about me too... I hate being a bother.. I also tend to have rather high expectations that are dashed quite quickly by reality.

Krystle- I just want to thank you so much. You may not realize it, but i really appreciate your support in all of this :] It means a lot.