Some thoughts...

Life is strange...
I have spent most of my life, flying free.. not attatched to anyone. I had diverse friends that I bounced around to. Not since 4 or 5th grade have I been able to soak up that loving feeling... that Brat Pack feeling.. that super close group of friends who pretty much grew up together and just simply hanging out with not much to do, just aimless chatter and inside jokes and where hugs are given and received so freely.
I love hugs, but I still feel strange..intimidated when hugging others... I seem to leave my mind and look at the situation as an outsider... I feel so strange in intimate, close situations with anyone and everyone. Julea I think is the only one that I feel like myself around, whether it is just her and me or we are together somewhere.
I love attention, I admit it. I love to make people laugh and surprise people... make them remember me...
But where does that get me?
No where really..
Have I ever had a boyfriend?
....mmm... no.
Do I have people calling/texting me inviting me, wanting ME to join them?
..No...

From, "Swing Life Away" by Rise Against,
~So let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand~

If i close my eyes and dream hard enough, I can catch glimpses of me in this life.
I suppose it goes along with loving myself... which I don't... Not at all.. especially lately. I wake up each morning dreading the long hours... Isolation... twiddling the hours away doing pretty much nothing.. eating... getting fat... reading... bonding with my hamster... journaling... I've got no plans and too much time... I feel too restless to unwind.. I'm always lost in thought...
Food is a dream and a nightmare mixed into one. Food makes you feel better and then makes you feel worthless the very next minute. Living in a secret world that no one knows about...that no one understands... that I don't even understand myself.. can't explain why, but also can't stop...
I do have dreams.
I do have hopes for the future...
That I will eventually love myself enough to let others love me... to forgive my past... to go on adventures,.... to not make so many excuses... to not shut people out of my life (though i do it unintentionally)

“Life is too short to keep going down the same road where the scenery never changes.”