SOoooo
Ive been thinking
and thinking and thinking

But not hard..
likeeeeee dreamy thinking...

It is not so bad here.
I am making a difference in the life of this child. This little 5 year old.. for the month or so that I am here, the constant contact.. the pure love and want that is soo evident on her face.. When I need a break and say "I need to go upstairs to get something. I will be right back." ... and I head upstairs and I hear her footsteps hurrying behind me. Something inside me sags, i really went upstairs to get a breath of air.. and then i turn around to her little face as though I caught her doing something bad.. she freezes and I break.. Of course I will let her follow me. It's okay. Little things mean soooo much to her.
We were at the library today. Her eyes were wide with amazement and wonder. I loved it... watching her take it all in. I know she had been there before... but I could tell it hadn't been enough.
She was poking through books.. at 5 years old, sounding out and reading random pages in random books.. At one point I checked in with her and said I would b right back, I was trying to find a particular book for her, but I guess it did not register. A few moments later, I noticed an older lady looking around as if she were searching for someone in particular.. I thought it was a bit peculiar for some reason..had a feeling something was wrong.. it turns out Sofia did NOT realize I said I would be right back... had noticed that I was not there and had started crying. As soon as she saw me she ran and hid her face in my leg, hiding her tears..
Imagine.. being that little.. being sooo into a book.. soo intent and proud of the fact you can read.. looking up to show the one you love, your protector-only to find that she is NOT there.. that all you see is strangers meandering about.. and for one as overprotective as her, I can imagine it was traumatizing...
We got ten books... and the Christmas with the Chipmunks CD..
Its fun in the car with her... all the way to schoool... and back from school we sing (well I sing-horribly might i add) to anything that comes on the radio. and I dance. in my seat. because being silly is what makes her laugh. and i love her laugh. and I love knowing that I can have that impact on someone. and I DO NOT CARE what anyone in the cars nearby think. I am having a wonderful time with my cousin, showing her that its okay to be silly. That I AM ALIVE.
and i like that feeling.
and i will continue doing that.

Sometimes
I can sit here for hours
youtube-ing video after video... song after song... thinking.. dreaming.. wishing..
most importantly
not being HERE
but being somewhere out there...









and now
i feel like shit again
because i see the reflection

I need you to know I'm not through the night.. some days im still fighting to walk towards the light..

and how
HOW
do i ask for help if I dont know what needs fixed.

and i will never be able to look that way again
i used to be able to
I dont understand. I HONESTLY HAVENT BEEN EATING. a bite here.. the very very outside of an apple here. some carrots. grapes. but im still fking disgusting

the thing that is keeping me going now is i have a text buddy :) its like i do have a friend with me all the time. but i feel safe because he cant see me. so I know i won't be rejected.. that he wont find me repulsive.. and thats why we still text off and on and on throughout the day.

and my life is not horrible. i KNOW that. I have people that care.. I have a future.. I just have no one with me. I AM with family, yes. but I feel so unwelcome... so helpless. so awkward.. so out of place.. everywhere I go..

and i do wish
i doooo wish i could go to sleep
sleep until its all over
until I feel pretty again. until i can accept myself. until i can
STOP
THINKING SO MUCH

I did have a good day today.. for the most part.. .
we (my randparents and Sofia and I) went to the Childrens museum... and for the first time in a long time i was able to lose myself in the fun.,. playing with the different exhibits and with her... not care.. let loose..
and then I kept coming back to my self consciousness...
attempted to take some pictures of me.. to prove to myself that I am NOT ugly.. that i am NOT fat/big/awkward.. etc.
but
alas
none of them really turned out.. and my grandpa cant really take pictures anyway so the ones that he took ended up blurry.
Yet
i was proud
I never called JP .
only once when I first woke up.. and then just now when I got back.. at around 7. so 11 hours.
aNd of course.. i brought up the fact that I wanted to fly back to him
there was no way that I could fly out the 4th because my aunt/uncle need me to babysit that night at least. and so I wouldnt be able to fly in until Tuesday because my uncle is very busy Monday and needs me then as well and he started freaking out because he still wants me to fly in on the 4th..
and finally he said the one word i HATE,
"WhateveR"
and then I started crying because
as I tried to explain to him,
when he says "whatever,"
it makes me feel as though he is disregarding what I am saying.. that he is giving up on me.. kind of like a "what the F***" kinda thing.. exasperated
and i explained to him all of that
and that what I DID need from him is acknowledgment.. acceptance, anything BUT "(sigh)...whatever..(sigh)" because that MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SH*****

but
one more looong day
and then school starts
and the routine starts again
and I get to take her to school.. go to MY 2nd graders.. then pick her up.. play... feed her, bathe her, put her to sleep, etc.

which is not so bad,
but
i still need
crave
people my age.. talking.. communication..connection.. etc.
someday...

I am disgusting

Yea. Those 2 days in the classroom were absolutely wonderful!!
The teacher, she let me teach!! She let me grade papers!! I connected with the kids!! It was WONDERFUL!
and then I went to pick up the little one and she fell asleep on the way home
and then the loneliness came again
creeping ever so slowly
encroaching on every thought
deepening, wrapping its tentacles on every thought...
and then weekend came...

and Sunday I went to San Francisco to visit an old friend, who told me what everyone else has been telling me about JP. Pretty much to move on. To get out. To find someone new.
That is part of the reason why I AM out here.. to distance myself...
but I cant enjoy myself out here.
I dont know anyone.
only hte 5 year old girl and my aunt/uncle.
and now the classroom of 2nd graders... which do WONDERS for my soul.. but the goodness.. the happy.. the purity does not last long at all..

When I go to school in Augusta, I will be forced to stay in one place for at least a year... attending classes... getting a job...
Maybe then I will find someone who will show me the way...
Or atleast a friend.. a girl friend to have girls nights with.
Its been forever since I have been able to do something like that.. high school actually.. because college was littered and tainted with the eating disorder which disabled me from any sort of social interactions .

I have been texting a couple different people frequently lately.. one in New Orleans, one in Las Vegas,.. who are very supportive of me.. we keep talking about meeting up at one point..
but even if we did, would I be able to go thought with it? Would I chicken out?
Im NOT talking about sleeping/x or anything like that... simply GOING OUT or MEETING them.. SOOOO intimidating to me...
Even this friend on Sunday.... I was soo nervous..
I used to be so good with people..
now i get mini anxiety attacks
even going in the mall

I frequently send out little pleas for help via text.. asking for something to make me smile.. is that wrong? Is that bad?
Is that SAD?
Yes
I should be able to live my life.
I should be able to DO this.
I USED to
why can't I anymore?
mirrors are too much.

Today I broke down into tears atleast 14 times. I stopped counting. my eyes hurt but i still cant sleep.

Why can't I function anymore...

I am finally getting over the eating too much thing :)
Now I can feel that hunger in my tummy again
that comforting feeling
I do like it
i do
and its good that I am in NOT my own house and so far from the kitchen...
thats my new solution.
go to bed early
and
therefore
no more food for the night
and when I take her to school, take an apple and/or some carrots wiht me and dont go home until I take the girl home... and im too scared to eat anything in this house anymore because they make such a big deall when somethings missing or gone or messed with.
simple
or, as the little one says,
easy peasy lemon squeezy...

CONNECTION!!
After 3 days one teacher (out of 3 different schools) finaly emailed me! A 2nd grade teacher.
I am growing to love 2nd grade.
I got to hang out in the classroom today.. help out... read a book to them..
Its all wayy too fascinating to me. I LOVE it. Every classroom I step into only reinforces my curiosity.. my urge to teach.. the excitement for my own classroom someday..

JP got a job potential.. with OutWard Bound. Right up his alley... he would be doing outdoor/hiking/camping/kayaking semester programs with at risk students.... which would put him away. FAR away for at least a semester.. if not longer. I want soo bady to be happy for him.. to be encouraging.. but I want him near me.. and that job wil only take him further away.. and He SAID he was going to settle down.. Taking that job is not necessarily setting down.
My eyes literaly tear up at the THOUGHT of him being gone for so long... It has barey been 2 months since I left him this time and I struggle everyy day.

Why cant i find a friend? Why cant i go out on my own and make freinds by myself? Why dont I have confidence in myself? Why why whyyyyy cant I be okay with myself...

why cant someone just come and woo me and take me away from all of this.. show me what its supposed to be like..

Why does everything look soo awkward.. so disgusting on me..
never fails.

I can make a cd.. a soundtrack.. called "Sofia's hits"
the ones we listen to over and over and over and over
while shes in the shower.. while we are coloring.. while we are getting dressed...
I do love music..
and the music is quite catchy..


"Baby" Justin Beiber (babby babby babby OOHHH!!!!)
"Teenage Dream" Katy Perry
"California Girls" Katy Perry
"Tongihts gonna be a good night" Black Eyed Peas
"Soul Sister" Train
"Round and Round" Selena Gomez
""Break Your Heart" Taio Cruz

and im sure there are others... and will be others..
and im trying to turn her on to
Britney Spears... Beattles,... Micheal Jackson.. NSync.... Prince....
her dad hates those
and hes my dads brother
and he used to get me to do things that irritated my dad (in a HAHA way.. )
so im just getting back at him :)
=
We went to the zoo yesterday.. even though i think we only saw goats.. and went on a rollar coaster and a couple other rides and played on the playgrond.. and.... an hour lunch break
She told me she was going to find me a boyfreind.. I told her I already HAD one.. she said "but hes far far away. Hed never know. You must be lonely here. You need someone here."
kids say the darndest things.. (at 5 years old...)

Cali!
San Jose!
Thats where I am.
3 blocks from an In-And-Out burger.. supposedly the BEST BURGER EVER (by a vote of 2 or 3 people that I know quite well)
in a nice, beautiful house
living with a family.. relatives.. my dad's older brother, his Italian wife and their adopted Guatemalan 5 year old daughter.
They are a family of HIGH QUALITY
Shopping at Whole Foods, specialty stores for cheese, veggies, meat... and buy their wine from different wineries, including Peggy Flemming's winery (yes, she was an ice skater)
I get to wake up, get the little one breakfast and to school by 8:30. Then I pick her up from school at 2:40 and play play play until her mom gets home at 8 (though in that time frame I also have to get her a shower and dinner and snack..)
Not too bad.
Except it has NOT gone that way.
She got sick and so I have been home-bound since Tuesday.. and I am NOT good at being home-stuck.
And now I have come down with the sickness..

But she has been teaching me about all this new music.. how to "be cool"..
and so when she takes her shower, I play DJ and play Selena Gomez, hannah Montana, Justin Beiber and the like..
UNFORTUNATELY they are kinda catchy songs. so yes. I do sing along.

But my mind is still out of control in terms of body image/food issues..I am doing a LOT better when it comes to eating like crazy and now keep getting continualy frustrated by being stuck inside (nooo exercise, etc.) and everytime i look in the mirror my body grows or shrinks.. even when I look at myself, its different..
I did discover that the reason why my arms do look so "big" is because my arms have a lot of muscle! Go figure! I was flexing and moving my arm around and I felt it.. rock solid.. hmm..
I want to buy new clothes.. more variety, more funky, fun "Career" type clothes, but I just get so discouraged when I try clothes on,.. and when for some reason they DO look good.. I talk myself out of them or make up an excuse as to why it DOES look good for some reason...

I am still very excited to go back to school :) I want to be a teacher..
I am also very excited to go back home,, to JP.. I COULD book a ticket for the 4th.. before he is supposed to go down to Jacksonville to take his dad to some MAyo cLinic dow there.. which he may or may not back out of.. so JP does not want me to book a ticket for me to fly into Jacksonville... But I was thinking I was going to fly in the 11th, since it is the cheapest date to fly from here to there that I have found.. EVEN THOUGH it seems the majority of the nights i cry myself to sleep because despite the fact that I am with "family" (at both places) I still feel lonley and alienated from their family life.. which is to be expected, but it does not feel good in my heart./soul..