Well.. No one showed.. no one called...
except sunday morning to tell me that the girl that was supposed to be there at 4:30 n the morning was late and tehy needed me t o come in RIGHT AWAY (it was 5:45)
so i did.
And moneys going down
and motivations still lagging ... as are the smiles..
and june 21st cant come soon enough.. more work!! Summer camp@!! kids!! activities!! singing field trips!!
and more money
because
literally
i am lowest i have ever been
and it makes me irritable
and the prozac needs to start kicking in because i want to feel it again
it.. meaning.. happy? motivated? less of that.. more of that? i dont know
but i did get NetFlix from my parents':)
And and
and
and
he got me paints :) and a big sketchbook for painting in.. and a new nice pencil.. and oooooo
I have been painting every day.
sometimes we do collaboration paintings..
painting is such a release for me
the best thing he could have gotten for me
i love i love i love it
and i always always seem to get it all over me as well.
:)_
So i am a colorful little thing
little?
no
not little
therpaists.. i had to visit mine today.. i can always tell when he is right about someting .. i get pissed off.. annoyed.. not wanting to admit it
so i clamb up and look away..
F** YOU! ITS NOT TRUE!
but realy it is
:(
truth hurts

i need a book, he says..
"When I say no i feel guilty: by Manuel Smith.
so he says.
i cant track it down at a used ook store so i have to amazon it i suppose.

Birthdays suck
well
lonely ones do
he left yesterday because he had to go on a kayak tour for the weekend.
he is soo good to me now.. really the only thing i have
yes i have people here at work that care...
I wanted to go out and get a drink or five.. forget everything..
I started seeing a therapist last week.. got prescribed porzac yesterday..
obviously it hasn't kicked in yet
well..considering how i took my first dosage yesterday

so i went to the bar.. had a drink..
money situations looking grim so i only had one.. I could have put it on my tab because the lady that owns the bar also owns where I work.. and she cares a lot about me.. I guess..
but i stayed at one
i am bad at asking for help
i had my phone with me.
i could have called anyone that i work with and they would ahve done everything in their power to come out with me
so its really my fault
i knew no one at the bar..
i sat there .. made small chat with some random dude that was there since 4pm..
he tired to invite me back to his boat to have a bbq.. but i refused (obviously)
went home
sad
alone
no call from him.. he sometimes doesnt get service.. so i left him 3 or so messages..
put on a movie and fell asleep within fifteen minutes
and woke up at 7.. not wanting to face the day at all.. but i came to work
and as soon as i walked in the door i was met with "How was your birthday!?!?!"
I couldnt utter a word and went straight to the bathroom to compose myself..
they felt bad
i could tell
they say tehy want a re-try tonight
i guess we shall see

it reminds me of that quote
which so fits me these days..
"People are lonely because they build walls, not bridges"
by John Fort Newton

and i do
i keep people out
because lonely is what im used to .. much more safe and comfortable than putting myself out there..