is my song for the moment
it makes me sad
cuz i have heard JP say some of those things quite a few times..


and this song cant seem to escape me..
it plays on the radio countless times when i work.. when i am in the car (what little time i am in the car)

and i noticed that 5 out of the last 6 things i have colored/painted/drawn have had sunsets.. or sunrises.. not sure which one they are.. or if they mean anything..
I COULD go all art therapy on it.. but i choose not to

and my other dilemma
i need help here.. seriously.. ideas please??

Okay. SO>
JP and i go to the bar, either just him and i, or one other person tagging along.. one of the other guy guides from Crystal Seas. Most of the time he pays for his own, but he is low on money. so i buy a lot for him.. sit on the sidelines while he gets drunker.. plays pool.. granted.. most of the time they try to include me.. or he would come up to me randomly to hug me or whatnot, but i still feel so disconnected
because there they are.. involved.. doing.. playing.. INTERACTINg.. moving.. and im sitting on the sidelines
i never have been a fan of watching things.. i am not a good stander.. waiter.. watcher..
i want to do..
and usually there is no one else around for me to talk to.. and dont feel comfortable talking to new people.. if there even ARE any..
and i cant drink much because i need to make sure he gets home safe..
so i usually spend the night watching .. growing sad.. at first-yes- i am excited.. i buy myself a drink.. and then it wares off as i realize how disconnected i am from everyone. from everything. shut out? i dont know.
but i end up watching them playing pool.. everyone else (if there is anyone in there) .. fetching him drinks (with his,,but usually my money).. handing over money for him/them to play songs on the jukebox..
i LET it all happen to. cuz i WANT him to have fun. I dont want to be the spoil sport, but at the same time i want to be INVOLVED
anyway
i dont know if that is clear.. but.. any suggestions? or am i hopelessly hopeless