So...
Jps coming back today
And iM excited..
what do i have to tell him that i did while he was gone?
ate cocoa and marshmallows every night in order to calm my soul... gave out my number for people who said they were going to call.. and never received a call.. worked.. went back to work when i was off work.. spent $61 on groceries.. most that i am not going to eat.. made friends with the acoustic-guitar-man but never actually TALKED to him still..
And he..
he kayaked every day.. miles.. tired, exhausted.. then had to cook for them.. then had to blha blha blha
a lot of complaining.. whining.. which is to be expected..
and i wANT to be excited for him.. to be happy for him... that he saw this.. or someone did that.. or he met someone that...
but instead i feel sad..
BECAUSE I COMPARE
and i am never up to par..
NOT EVEN CLOSE
and i cant even accept an invitation to hang out..
here is how the texting went..
HER: Wanna Hang out?
ME: I would like.. Where you at?
HER: Where are you?
Me: Down ARgyle street.. but about to head back downtown to wander the marina.. or something..

and nothing more..
i guess she thought i would rather walk around the marina?
and i did go to the Convalescent Cente.r.
but admitted the truth.. that we weren't looking for work in the fall and would 98% be leaving the island.. and i didnt want to break community after being there for so long.. (well.. 2 months..) BUT I understand how these older people.. the convalescent cetner is their home.. and the nurses.. the CNAs.. the janitors.. are all part of their EVERYDAY life.. they LIVE there.. and so if one LEAVES.. its a mini death..
and i dont want to do that
and i would rather work with kids
so i put in a volunteer application at the Island Rec center and at the Nature Institute.. hoping to hear back soon..

and left work at 12.. wandered to the library.. wandered back.. remembered that i forgot milk.. bought milk and bagels for him.. walked back to the house.. walked back to town.. wandered into work.. and kept working until close.. which i had to stay late behind because some guy took a pooh right at 4:55/. that somehow stunk up everything and everywhere.. and a mom gave her baby child a muffin.. therefore the muffin was all over in crumbles in a 6 foot diameter circle around the high chair.. and the brown table looked like it had little white stars on it..

and then walked home.. getting sadder.. deeper by the second.

and the WHOLE DAY
i was wandering around.. half walking, half drifting. with bits of dancing thrown in... with my huge headphones.. dreaming and singing and wishing..

and i would so much rather be at work..