free write.. LET IT OUT!

i tend to not make commitments.
I tend to hold out for something else...
I always want to keep my options open.
There is something i want.. so badly..
and i keep waiting for it
i want him to come
i want him so badly
but it never will be
i keep imagining him off with his freinds
not thinking about me
i want that so bad though
to fall asleep in his arms
watching a movie.. listening to music.. watching the sunrise..
i just want to be there
so safe so warm
let that blissful feeling wash over me
i want to go home with you
but your either too much of a gentleman
or you dont like me.
so safe so warm
there in your arms
i can forget everything
i can leave it behind
so safe so warm
there in your arms
i want to melt into you

(_(_(_(_(_(-)_)_)_)_)_)

i used to be so small
so thin, so fragile
but i was hollow inside
monsters dominated my every though
i felt nothing
no happy no sad no mad
i felt empty
empty and alone

I am now so big
so uncomforatble with what i have become
but i love WHO i am
i feel now
I live now
I dont hide away anymore
i live my life
no more running around
giving away my life in return for assurance
that i am human that i am alive
now
now i run around giving out little tastes
of what its like to play with me
i dont need others to tell me i am alive
i feel the warm blanket as the sun wraps around me
i laugh-not just because i feel i should
i laugh because i cannot hold it in
when i hug, i pull them into me
i sit closer, talk louder, play longer, cry harder, hurt deeper, stay longer, fall further, crash deeper, fly higher...


(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(-)_)_)_)_)_)_)

and i hate calling people
i fear they are out there having fun
and then i interrupt them and the embarrassment kicks in
how could i think that they wanted to hang out with me?
i hear the voices and laughter in the background
they are having such a wonderful time
and where am i?
sitting in front of my hookah
wishing i had someone with me
as i feel it all
slip
between
my
fingers
.....