Icky thoughts and feelings

Why...?
I have been to treatment 3 times... I still can't do it. I still can't stop when I am supposed to. I am out of touch....

"I've got a hunger and I just can't seem to get full..." ~Bright Eyes "Lover I Don't Have To Love"

....man do I wish that I could live out that song.... bE the one he is singing about...





I do hate my body. I do not like it. I do not like me much either sometimes. Struggle... everyday...Am I reaching for food because I am hungry? Or am I bored? lonely? sad? excited? relieved? Am I full.. do I really need one more bite? If I stop eating now.. is it because I am restricting and depriving myself of food... or am I full? What is full?




I seriously do not feel full anymore. I long for the feeling... to be in touch with myself again.
I feel constantly consumed in whirlwinds of thoughts... about food... about how others are staring at me.. why are they staring at me? are they really staring at me or am I looking to into things... downcast eyes whenever I walk around, avoiding eye contact with anyone and everyone.. not wanting to meet people's disapproving faces... hugging my arms around myself to hide it all..
Wishing that I could hide away.. cocoon myself.. until I approve of myself again.. until I feel pretty again.. until I feel worthy enough to come out to play... until I feel comfortable with myself... Sleeping and sleeping and playing guitar and listening to music.. but I can't do it. I instead eat more...
Sooo many things to think about tooo....
Why I haven't ever had a boyfriend...?
Where will I be after this summer.... I will have graduated... and will be finished with Camp Talisman.. and then what?
How will I pass the long hours tomorrow?
Do I keep trying to call and beg people to come over... or am I coming off as too desperate...?
What can I cook for dinner that I won't pick apart late at night when I don't want to dish up a full meal (and consequently finish off the entire thing)?
What will I be doing during my internship?
Should I go to graduate school... or try to find a job?
What do I want to do?
How do I be a good friend?
How can I love myself?
How do I stop this crazy roller coaster? I want to get off...
Who has thought about me today?
What makes people think of me?
Why are people looking at me so much?
Am I really that ugly?
Why don't people seem to ever come back?
All of those poeple I asked to come over... will they actualy come? or are they simply humoring me?
All those dreams I have in my mind... of people coming over for dinner... of people wanting me... of fun times and good laughs... of going on road trips with friends... of meaning something to someone... will any of those ever come true?
And... most importantly..
Does anyone care?





On a side note... I want to watch this movie...