Well.
Here i am
Back at the beach
Feeling all the clothes on me.. and how they fit much closer to my body than they used to.
I cried about it
to him
and he said, "Well, DO something about it!"
I cried more
I HAVE been.. in terms of not eating.. sneaking in exercise moves here ant there..
but this morning
I said
I aM GOING TO DO IT
and i did it
i went for a run
well
walkrun..
I made sure not to walk more than a minute... and then ran/jogged for atleast 2 minutes.. or more.. and then walked a little.. over nad over..
AND I DID IT
I was so proud.
:)
Slowylly
one step forward two steps backwards..
Saturday night we had to take his grandpa to Fayetteville for osme holiday party.. LOTS of people.. LOTS of food.. me not knowing anyone except JP who was too far gone for me to interact with much anyway because his mind wa set on ONE THING.. getting some stuff..
so
yea
i ate a lot of chips (JUST the crumbs though.. ) and some of those white chocoalte homemade haystacks. a
and shrimp

but
starting today
with the run
im going to continue this.
Its not going to be perfect
its going to take time
But
I suuure do have a lot of that to spare...

MMmm
Yesterday was my last day... We went to the Big Italian church service.. then the lowering of the grave.. then back to the house..
Where my biggest love-hate relationship lasted all day...
Food.. Food.. Food.. A huge plate of fruit.. some cheeses and meats... pita bread.. and flat crispy cracker/bread.. and cookies.
I had no trouble eating that fruit.. I was hungry.....
so fruit fruit fruit plus lots of the flat cracker bread.. and 2.5 glasses of wine..
and I wanted so bad to be there with the adults.. to be part.. to be able to take part.. and space off at the same time..
but yeah.. I was foreced into the living room with Sofia for most of the time.. though we did have frequent visitors from relatives coming to say hello or play with Sofia for a brief minute or two until she got shy and hid under my dress...
Then came evening where it was just the family plus 2 other ladies..
with a tin full of peppermint bark
so i ate quite a bit of that too
but i feel so big today
so big.. and every mirror all day today and yesterday
WHY
WhY do i look in the mirror and only see my big arms.. my big this Fat that.. plump this..
why cant i see the good?

....Mature People Truths...
100% thumbs up on prettty prettty prettty much all of them, ESPECIALLY..
5. How ARE you supposed to make that folded thing look neat...?
6. seriously.. never used it.. never want to.. never will..
12. Already gave up on trying to collect anything of the sort.. thats what Netflix is for :)
13. yes yes yes...
16. waste of make up-time-effort-my only good outfit...
21. All Dogs Go To Heaven.. still cant understand why THAT was my favorite..
22. Yep-guilty every time.. would that be laziness or being strong?
24. I have a hard time deciphering that fine line between boredom and hunger...
26.. complete strangers coming together.. pure lovely
31. "Wait.. What..?"

Cranky... after staying up past 4:30 to educate myself on this newwww thing.. this newww documentary..
Waiting for Superman..

Amazing.. I WANT to/need to see it

right now i am CRANKY. and sleepy and hungry and refusing to acknowledge it.. For one thing, I can't sleep, nor lay nor rest for I have this 5 year old to care for.. Eating? I like how the hunger envelopes me... I DID eat.. carrots, blueberries, and a handful of crunchy pita chips.. and stole a sip of chocolate milk from Sofia and a CAndy cane..
and my tummy is eating itself... in a not so pleasant way... and my eyes are tired of being open.. and my mind is tired o thinking..

I just want to sleep it all off..
make it all go away.

Ooohhhhh..
I want that
so bad
That would be sooo much fun
I always take the stairs anyway
but
wow..
i wouldn't get off of them if they made music...

Okay.. just "Stumbled Upon" the most interesting article..

Harriet Brown takes on Anorexia in Brave Girl Eating

Its pretty much the same old stuff every other book and article has on Anorexia..
but there were some things that stuck out for me.. that Is IMPORTANT for others to understand...

"..It’s not a refusal—that’s what I have seen. It’s an inability to eat. The example I give parents when they’re having trouble understanding this disease is: When my daughter would sit down to a plate of food, it was like for me jumping out of an airplane. It’s terrifying. Sufferers are in a grip of compulsion and fears that are so, so huge. I do think that we have trouble understanding that, and I’m not sure why, but I hope that it is changing"...
Honestly.. that is how it feels.. I see that bagel with cream cheese.. or big plate of nachos.. and I WANT IT .. i am drooling.. my stomach is grumbling for it.. but the FEAR the sheer TERROR.. of what? the food? not necessarily...

"...There is an assumption that fat kids are not healthy and thin kids are. I think there is a big risk of triggering eating disorders when you are emphasizing weight so heavily, and for some of those kids this is going to be the thing that triggers them into a lifetime of unhealthy eating in a different way. We come in all different shapes and sizes. Not everyone is going to be a size zero even if they are eating healthy, exercising, and are happy—that’s just not the way we work...."

And from another article...

“...I was never really proud of being anorexic,” says Emily, “but one of the sickest parts of the disorder is that you do get a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment from depriving yourself. To eat is to fail, and to starve is to succeed...”
...and im failing....

So..
My new favorite thing is this StumbleUpon thing.
My friend told me about it and now... All i do is press the stumble button and it gives me the most wondrous assortment of websites to browse.. to smile about..
I found some great QUOTES...

You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety – Abraham H Maslow

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give. – Winston Churchill

In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back. – Charlie Brown

Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance. - Kurt Vonnegut Jr

Today Sofia and I were playing memory, as usual... They are cards that have the alphabet.. each one has a letter and to get a match or pair you need the upper and lower case of the same letter. I LOVE those cards!! There is SOO Much to learn through them!!
We talked about vowels.. and how her name has 3 in it.. and I wrote a letter to Santa... just for fun..

Dear Santa
Please bring me chocolate. I love you a lot.

And she took the paper from me and started circling letters.. I was confused at first and then realized she was circling the vowels! I never even asked her.. and well over an hour had passed since we had last talked about it.

Tomorrow is my LAST DAY in the 2nd grade classroom!! :( I am so sad!! I have grown to love those children... even after the FIRST day!! I left a little early today so that I could try to find some treat for them.. Candy Canes? No... candy canes are everywhere.,. chocolate? mmmm....
I chose a big bag of Smarties.. No matter if they don't LIKE them or not, but the kids are SMART and SMARTIES will help them learn to be SMARTer.. because they are the SMARTest 2nd graders I know.. yea..
and then for the teachers I got a thing of LifeSavers.. because she literally saved my life by allowing me to help her in the classroom... Because of her I had a purpose.
Tomorros is the last regular day here. Get Sofia ready.. weave the traffic.. drop her off.. got to MY school.. stay as long as i can before I rush to pick Sofia up... back home.. plaqy play play.. make her dinner.. watch Wizards of Waverley Place.. be the DJ while she showers... have a popsicle.. Read to her.. lay with her til she falls asleep..
THEN
Wednesday is the funeral..
Thursday I fly home
Starting at 8:45 am.... arrive in Augusta at 11:38 pm.. LOOOONG day...
Friday I meet with my academic advisor so that I can sign up for classes... aND THEN FINALLY drive 5 hours to JP.
tehn... who knows...

Girls are like
apples on trees. The best
ones are at the top of the tree.
The boys don't want to reach for
the good ones because they are afraid
of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they
just get the rotten apples from the ground
that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples
at the top think something is wrong with
them, when in reality, they're amazing.
They just have to wait for the right
boy to come along, the one
who's brave enough
to climb
all the way
to the top
of the tree.

Popcorn Flavors :)
personally.. none of those appeal to me...

BUT

ICE CREAM FLAVORS!!
getting closer...
well.. no none of those either

NOW

Next time i am in NEw York... with a person or three or ten, I will accept the challenge of the VOLCANO!!
i mean LOOK at taht!!
A volcano shaped shell of chocolate.. .break it open and WALLAA!! THERES THE ICE CREAM!!!
and spilling down the sides are white/dark/milk chocoalte pearls, gummi bears,





And wonderful uses for normal everyday items...

The Funeral is on wednesday
Do I go?
Should I go?
Is it disrespectful not to go?
I would like the experience I suppose.. It will be something to do
but
I WILL feel out of place
I WILL feel bored at times..
I WILL not know what to do a LOT of the time..
but Sofia wants me there


SO i went clothes shopping yesterday.. with Sofia and her mother... Craziness.. I couldnt try anything on really because I had to watch Sofia so her mother could look for things for Sofia and her..

SO
Today I went
on the adventure
to the malll...
overwhelming as usual...
the VERY FIRST dress I tried on.. I admit was a tad dressy..
but
ohh
ohh
i felt like I looked beautiful... and might i say.. hott??
But did I buy it? No
I DID put it on hold..
I went around..
everything else was too big.. too small.. too ugly.. didn't fit me right... too fluffy.. too this too that..
I did find one kinda blah thing that is versatile.. a V neck black shirt/dress that I can wear with any color tank top below and any kind of leggings.. boots..heeels.. etc. so It can work for MANY occasions..
PLUS a hat
Shopping and me don't go well
i talk myself out of everything
just like i talk myself out of DOING everything

But I am trying to convince myself that I need to take the time out of my life to go and BUY it.. because EVERY girl needs atleast something in their wardrobe that makes them feel like a princess...

Somday I will get over it
just as
someday
i will learn to feel pretty without the aid of a dress...

Am I ask awkward to others as I am to me?

Do I LOOK as out of place and awkward to others as I do to me?

soo....
trying on clothes for a funeral that I know NO ONE there except my aunt, uncle and cousin...
intimiating...
all of them are Italian.. rich... high up.. sophisticated.. formal..
absolutely the opposite of what i am..
Do i go?
Would it be rude not to go?
I asked my aunt/uncle this plenty of times
same response,
"its up to you"
that does not help..

Pros....
I have never experieinced an Italian Funeral
my first funeral
I will probably meet some cute italians
i will get to buy a new dress
Sofia wants me to
Claudia "considers me part of the family"
I feel obligated to.. out of respect...

Cons...
I have to buy new black clothes..
I will know no one
the ceremoney is in all italian
I dddn;t even meet the lady that did pass away
I dont speak/.understand Italian
I havent been to a funeral
I will feel out of place/uncomfortable.shy/selfaware
I will mis my last opportunity to with my 2nd grade classroom

hmm...whatdo i do..?

Does anyone read this anymore?
I dont think so.
I have been ranting and raving about the same thing over and over and over
and everyone gives me advice... saying it would PROBABLY be best to move on..
part of me kind of wants to.. engage in other pursuits.. see how they treat me.. how they make me feel.
but its so hard to rip myself from part of who i have been for the past 2 years.

I fly out Thursday. I am very excited. VERY excited...
Friday I meet with my academic advisor to convince him that I indeed CAN take 5 classes per semester one of them lasts the WHOLE semester and the other four are half semester (so 2 the first half, 2 the 2nd half)
I am a teachers pet. I LOVE to learn. I put my work first.
heck, I am even doing my own work now
I KNOW i can do it.

Then, Friday I drive to him...
time will tell
i will see for myself what I am getting into..
because going back on Thursday means that I DONT get to go to Seattle (Family) for christmas..
and he doesntknow if he is going to work on Christmas.. if he even really HAS a job...
I dont know why, but i feel like i am holding my breath about the future...


If someones reading this, let me know
give me a song
I want someone to dedicate a song to me '
I am asking for help
and thats not easy for me.

Back to an FML kinba day,, well ,, i guess it started off okay...



.Classic rock at heart, yet I do have another side called Alternative. My charateristics are rock and roll. Folk is when I have something to say; rap is when I have a lot to say. My happiness shines through pop. I laugh and think through country, I cry through the blues, I dance through hip hop, and I sing through opera. Ambient-- my nature, techno-- my craziness, R&B- my relaxation, emo-- Indie is my unheard of nature (and trust me, I am very often unheard). Punk is my rebellious self, which sprung through my deep dark secrets in heavy metal. Acoustic is when I am best heard (and best swooned, soft rock is when I am best known. My confusion and chaos is trance. And if people ever met me, they'd describe me as rhapsody. I can be best heard through my characteristics, acoustic rock; be rebellious from my characteristics, punk rock; and be natural because it's my characteristic, ambient rock.

.....

and i like cheese,,, tooo nuch

I am the music.

EXPERIMENTS!

I have a couple challenge for you all.. LET ME KNOW HOW YOU DO!!

Try nailing jello to the wall...

Toast/Grill a grilled cheese sandwich with an iron....

Fry an egg with pure energy and head from the sun.. either in a wok or a skillet or straight up on the sidewalk....

Put office supplies.. forks.. rubber duckies inside jello

Leave a pop tart on the dashboard of you car during a hot day.. when you come back after a long day of class or a day shopping, will it be nice and toasty for you?

Take a whole container of corn kernels, put it in a hot air popper and let it pop.. how much will pop? Can it fill your entire room?

Take a container of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream and dump it out in a strainer.. let it drain.. and figure out how much cookie dough is actually in the ice cream... Try comparing the consistencies of different brands.. which one has the most cookie dough?

Find out exactly how much whipped cream is in one of those containers... is there a difference between the fat free/light container and the regular container.

Try chewing an entire package of chewing gum at once...

Send airmail.. tie a letter to a balloon.. let it go.. and see if you get a response from whoever finds it! .. similar to putting a message in a bottle in hopes of a response..

Take a box of Honey Bunches of OAts with Almonds and separate them into the different cereal bits.. (frosted flakeys, granola/oat clusters, corn flakeys, almonds, etc.) what are some ratios?

Same experiment as above with Lucky Charms... Are there more marshmallows or more of the other cerealy bits? Which marshmallow is there most of?


--> By the way I have tried many of these.. I recommend them... good tales to tell others... fun times to be had...