For Kyle...
Explosions in the Sky "First Breath After Coma"



Iron and Wine "Boy with a Coin"
...love it...


Iron and Wine "Dark Eyes"

so.
today is a GORGEOUS day
which makes it hard to be sad... but as soon as i got on face book it fell ontop of me like a veil..
i sat, literally, in the middle of the coffee shop with tears streaming down my face..
People remembered
posted on my wall.. or on the wall of the group i made for him
and a couple personal messages from his friends..
and amongst all this his favorite song came on my itunes..
how appropriate
I do miss him
andi do wish he could see me now.. how far ive come from the dorky sister he used to know.. would he still treat me the way he used to? would we be able to have conversations? would he support me? what new music and movies would he inspire me to love?

Last night I decided enough was enough.
I mixed myself a drink.. played wii for a good hour or so, blasting feel good music..
Around 8:15 i sucked in my breath.. walked across the street to the bar and sat down..
Sadly.. there was only about 4 people in there so my hopes of meeting someone new and sharing a plate of cheese fries came crashing down
but i wasn't as sad as i thought i would be
i had done it
i had at least gotten the courage to try
and try again i shall

work is going.. slow.. the kids came for 2 hours this past week.. one girl came the whole week.. Wednesday we had three kids and Thursday we had 5. Friday we had none because the water pipes were not working.. which drags over to this upcoming week where our school is closed monday and maybe tuesday too due to no water.
so i am hoping they will call me in to sub for a class because i cant handle another lonely day.

today i woke up.. read for a couple hours in bed. got up.. did some of the videos.. went for a walk in a daze with the sun glaring down so the snow glistened like a million diamonds as the soothing sounds of Iron & Wine flowed through my headphones
and i desperately wish i had a friend to create footprints and messes on the untouched, smooth snow that lay all around me
but i was alone

I want to go outttttttttttttt
He called me last night from a bar out in Palm Beach... on the beach.. amongst bonfires and a drum circle.. laughing and living it up with a friend.. playing poool and kicking buttt
and me?
coughing my brains out.. doing the same old exercise video.. poppin in chocolate chips..

I want to go out

Today was the luncheon for Head Start.. it was our Christmas Party that was postponed due to snow.. fancy place.. delicious food.. AND I HAD A SLICE OF CHEESECAKE..
and then headed straight to Carl Sandburg house to blow off steam.. walk/run it off.. get some sun.. listen to music.. etc.

My Co-teacher is supposed to take care of the Welcome sign (spanish and english) and the schedule and whatnot because she likes things PRINTED OUT .. rather than hand written..
so i am going to hit up thrift stores to find random fun little items to include/decorate our classroom
Monday we have 2 of the 8 kids.. Tuesday I guess we have 2 more.. and 2 more and 2 more..
until we have 8

Tuesday was WONDERFUL
around 8:3o there was some POUNDING on my door.. i had already resigned for the night pretty much.. in my pajamas.. watching a movie.. I was terrified!! I didnt answer the door.. HA!
I got a call.. it turned out it was my friend!! Who was visiting my neighbor across the hall.. so i went and chilled with them til around midnight.. I LOVE Talking.. chillin.. i felt COMPLETE! made new friends
and since have been half afraid.half hoping it would happen again.. that someone would knock on my door and invite me in.. but no

I need to get crunk
let loose

AND GET RID OF THIS STUPID COUGH/STUFY NOSE/ICKY HEAD..

insatiable..
is what i feel whenever i am home
because there is so much food
that i am "not alloweD"
so much for a new start...

yesterday was great though.. walked around.. met some people.. chatted with Nicole down in the studio.. met HER new freind.. went to babysit.. set up Skype to talk/see JP.. fell asleep.. on the road at 7:45 to come home..
and
ate
a salad..
but it didnt cut it
so
came
the
cinnoman toast crunch
only 2 big bowls.. not CRAZY.. but considering what ive been eating lately..
oops..

oh well..
i am going to NOT "make up for it" today by restricting..
i am going to ENJOY my time with my family
once they get home from buying a new dryer
ive been here 2 hours.. its 1.. they arent back.. but i still feel like poking around and munching.. even tho i am full..
DISTRACTION

.... ok.. collect books for my new job.. PLENTY of early childhood/play/craft/fun books..
bake them some cinnoman rolls so they can enjoy themm fresh from the oven when they get home..
phone a friend.. (ha)
hmmm..

cant go kayaking today due to the outrageous downpour.. perhaps it will lighten up later..

Fun with Photo Booth

:)
babysitting tonight..
home tomorrow
I do miss my parents.. They have been such a big help.. talking.. supporting.. putting up with my tears of despair-giving me alternative views and happy thoughts and defeat and cheering me on when i got my hopes up ... no matter what the support is there.. even if it isnt INSTANT.. and if a phone call went in the wrong direction at any point, i would get a phone call from my dad in a matter of hours.. apologizing or assuring me in some way that he was with me in anything i did even if he didnt necessarily approve (or Mom)
trying not to think/worry about the future.. and what will happen come June/May when JP comes back and the school year is over..
about next fall when school starts up again..
about how long its going to be until i see him again..


I need something to be passionate about.
i need action
i need communication
i need movement
i need something to live for
I used to be so good at going with the flow.. being happy
I need to find that place again.
and focusing on "getting smaller" is NOT the way to go.
but then again.. i cant depend on others for my happiness.


weather has been better lately.. its not QUITE as hard to get out of bed.. and when i get back from work the first thing i crave is NOT my bed..

In fact, yesterday i got out of work.. it was sunny.. I drove STRAIGHT to the Carl Sandburg house and power housed it to the top of the hill in 32 minutes .. up to the house.. around the house.. up the high trail.. up the mountain.. alternated between jogging and carefully walking DOWN the hill (snow/ice made it a little difficult to keep up the jogging) and then once i got to the bottom it was an all out sprint to the house.. down to the lake.. around the lake.. back to the car where i sat for a good five minutes realizing how GOOD it felt.
how i NEVER thought i could do that


I cannot depend on other people to make me happy
I cannot keep on wrapping my mind up in this stupid world of fat/skinny/protein/need to go go go/exercise/shrink/get "better"
I can be "better" by shifting my MENTAL STATE.. NOT my body.
because i know.. i have been there.. i will never be satisfied.. i will never be "enough"..

PATIENCE and LIVING IN THE MOMENT are also things i am going to need to work on.
LIVE IN THE MOMENT
ACCEPT THE NOW
DONT ANTICIPATE/WORRY
LAUGH
PATIENCE
if a baby is sleeping in your arms.. CHERISH that moment.. DO NOT agonize about how "lazy" you are for just sitting.. take the time to calm.. think..

JP keeps reminding me that happiness comes and goes.. it is not necessarily a constant. you can be happy for some of the day and be sad for some.. just ACCEPT the emotion you are feeling.. happy will come again.. I toss his words aside and soak in the sadness
but im coming out (or trying to at least)

Just reading an article from Psychology Today... restating what I have been stating all along..
"The Religion of Thinness teaches us to relieve our current distress by focusing on the fantasy of a "better" body. Those who become trapped in this illusion come to depend on the temporary relief it provides by diverting our attention away from our everyday problems and pains towards a picture of ourselves physically perfected."
SO TRUE
need to replace that illusion of the "better body" with something meaningful..
which leads to questions i have yet to figure out the answer to..

1. WHAT is the meaning to my life?
(??)

2. WHAT do i hope to accomplish in my life?
(my initial reaction: to be happy.. to spread happy.. to live care-free.. to be able to be spontaneous and inspire others to do the same)

3. HOW do i want people to remember me when i die?
(CERTIANLY NOT as someone who is void of life except when it comes to food/eating.. I need to live in the moment when i am with the kids.. not wait for the next opportunity for food/convince myself that i am not hungry/ignore the hunger)

4. What kinds of ideas, activities, relationships nourish me mentally,,, or physically?
(not so sure anymore.. initial answer: SHARING GOOD, NORMAL food with people ((but then again why do i have to SHARE? why cant i have it al?)) being with JP... hiking.. talking to people. .CONNECTING with people.. sleeping..

5. If i died unexpectedly tomorrow/tonight.. what would i regret?
(NOT LIVING ANYMORE.. being stuck in this mindset..)

6. DO i make decisions based on FEAR or on what will help me progress to what i REALLY want in/from life?
(at the moment.. moreso fear than the other.. but ITS GONNA CHANGE!!!)

7. Am I willing to abandon my comfort zone?
(..scary..)

I need a coach.. a motivator.. someone to keep me on track.. i need advice.. stories. inspiration..
.?...?...?..

im just lost

More of the same ol same ol'
this past weekend.. bliss.. with some tears..
I got to drive down to the beach to visit JP on his weekend back.. he was going to stay til Thursday (tomorrrow) but he got the call saturday that he had to work monday.. which ment i had to call up expedia.. get a refund on the ticket i JUST purchased.. and get a new reservation for him to fly out Sunday..
on Monday he found out his trip was cancelled.. so he easily COULD HAVE stayed..
:(
but we did a lot of laying around together.. watching tv.. staying warm.. reconnecting..
and he introduced me to Jaegermeister.. YUM! i never knew such goodness..
though i havent had anymore since i got back sunday..
just going to work.. training with the babies and toddlers.. they have a new room opening up next door.. so they have been opening boxes with new toys.. setting up the new room.. getting me excited for MY new room.. which STILL i have heard no word on when i get to start putting together MY room-and the kids come on the 25th..
going to work.. getting back.. busying myself.. popping in a kickboxing or pilates video.. or walking down to the grocery store to stare at all the things i wont allow myself to buy in fear i will eat it all at once..
cold cold cold..
but soon to warm up i suppose..
things have been going steadily as they have..
Friday i DO plan to go OUT to the pub across the street for a drink.. to get out.. to try to meet some people.. or at least SOMEONE..
who knows if that will actually happen or not.
i still dream of the day i will get to fly down to JP.. to the warmth.. to the Everglades..
we talk we talk we talk
of plans for the future.. of going to Maine for the summer for him to kayak or back to the San Juans.. i am easy going.. i like visiting/living/experiencing new places as long as i have SOMEONE i know. (JP)
but DO plan on going back to HEad Start in the fall.. MAYBE Hendersonville? depending on how the next few months go and if i make friends.. or maybe someowhere else.
but i dont think i can take another season away from him.
i wish i had exciting news..
i guess i did get recertified in CPR and First Aid..
and I have a job
and people that love me (even though its so hard for me to accept since i have no one HERE with me physically)

OH!!
I do get to babysit on Saturday for Carina!!! :)
I do hope to reconnect with her.. its so weird to not see/talk to her anymore..
i dont WANt to stray away.
i DO need her... i just am so hesitant to call and ask to come over.. i dont want to intrude.. and i have my routine.. my safe/comfort routine..

despite all the exercise videos and eating right i still feel no difference.. though JP claimed i was smaller.. i cant tell..
smiles from strangers do make my day though
and when the little ones at work come and hug me
i always make a point.. whne they wake up from nap i hold them in my arms while they become used to being awake.
i feel more comfortable there now.. taking control more.. getting to know the kids more.. what they like.. what calms them.. what upsets them..
makes me want my kids all the more.. to get started..
soon enough..