weekend UPDATE!

Now..
I dont know
wrapped up in him
and im okay with the way he feeels..
i know he loves/likes me.. he said so.. just not the way i do him.. if that makes sense
and yes
it hurts
it does
and iwant to be loved
and i want to hold treasures that he has given me.. letters.. notes.. memories of attempts to cook or entertain me..
but no
he had done so much for me though
and i let him know.. i tell him..
this is hte year of growing and finding myself
he has helped me with my self confidence (but also shattered it many times)
he made me see that i can be beautiful.. sexy even.. wanted... (though at other times its hard to see)
his foods are different.. far from my safe/comfort foods.. and i enjoy sharing with him.. in the comfort that i know i wont eat the entirething because iam with him.. and wouldnt allow that.. tho if i were on my own with some of thsoe foods i could probably eat hte entire thing.. given the state ive been in lately...
but
i think the thing that gets me the most
is that
he DOESNOT have to be drunk.. to drink.. to be with me.. to sleep with me..
and that means a LOT..
though he has said things
like
"we bothi know im going to find someone else and i dont want to break your heart when that happens"
and different things
i mean
sure
okay
i can accept the fact that i am only wiht him "for the moment"
cuz there is nothing else better for him at the moment
but
that doesnt change the fact that i will do
and have done
anything for him

i was thinking of alll the things i have done for him.. made for him.. bought for him..
and i have nothing to remember him by
but
memories
of sitting around all day
and that is another thing.. i cant do that with just anyone..
just ask any of my friends.. i am not a sit around and do nothing person..
i am a go getter.. do somethinger.. randomly walk and browse and explore..

but this weekend he was beautiful
and i miss him even more tonight
and that sucks
because

yea

I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED. tO BE WANTED.. to BE APPRECIATED.. to have somene want me. .all of me.. and commit to me..
just play with my hair..
share foods with me..
let me cook and clean..
go out with me so i can have a margarita
hold me
and
....
and im all yours