alone

People weren't meant to be alone.

I walk around all the time and can sense all the little prickles of the eyes.. of everyone looking at me.. even if its just a glance.. I already feel insecure enough... Is that the only reason why i feel that people are looking at me? because i fear that they are?

More and more lately I just don't really want to leave the apartment. Waiting for things to get better. Waiting for something that something that won't happen, so i waste my time away, waiting for the time when i can walk out there and not even care what other's think.

It doesn't help that recently lost a really good friend. He de-friended me on Facebook and wont return my calls. He was the only one that called me back and made it seem as though he enjoyed being with me.

On the other hand, over the weekend i had a fun visit from Julie and her friend.. played Scrabble and reminisced over the Dinosaurs show.. :]

On another hand, this past weekend was a weekend i will never forget, for many reasons. I am still trying to figure out how i feel about it all. It was lovely.. it was amazing.. it was something i hope to experience again.. but at the same time.. I still don't know.. Is this new person me? I think i like it.
Much more impulsive (if that is believable).. staying out late.. forgetting super important things.. not doing the homework i should be doing.. buying lots of useless crap.. not doing things i know I should... caring too much about things i shouldn't....

Just riding the wave of life. I was talking to someone earlier and they said, "No, it's not all that weird, you are just doing all the things most college kids do their first year, when they are freshman."
hmm... Is my life going in reverse?

I just keep remembering how I used to be. How I used to look. Sooo different. So very different. I saw pictures of me from over the summer.. and even since then.. Stupid scar. I'm glad i had my liver transplant, for if not, i would not be alive. At the same time, it has caused so many emotional strife and problems and lead to 3 times going to a treatment center. Do i feel better? not as often as I'd like.. at times, part of me wants to go back to that time.. to that look.. i felt like a safe little cocoon. Now, I'm just a ratty piece of furniture, waiting to be taken away... lots of people passing by and staring, but no one reaching out...

I keep telling myself.. only 5 more months.. then on to Summer Camp (Sooo excited!... I miss my kiddos) and then who knows..
I just hope that by then, I will have found myself.,.. will be able to love-or atleast accept myself- for who i am, not constantly compare myself to everyone around me and realize that i am nothing like any of them.. cannot compare... everyone has these thoughts though..
Not feeling pretty.. feeling big... feeling meaningless to others..
The world is a big and scary place.

People are not meant to be alone.