and today
i decided
(after doing 2 videos and a 6.5 mile hike)
that i am going to eat
not deny
at least today its going okay
i made DELICOUS dinner
of mixed veggies stir fried with some chicken and curry paste.. mmm..
and stopped by the grocery store to get some groceries.. AND sour gummi worms.. yes i ate more than i would have liked, but hey....
its okay
its okay
its okay
one day at a time
one hour at a time
its going

I want to break out of my comfort zone
but when i am about to.. offered the opportunity.. to spend the night at somenes house (enjoy myself and drink so i cant drive home)/. i stop drinking..sober up quick and drive home.. or chicken out on going OUT and instead opt to play board games .. which is fun in itslef.. but i do know i would have fun going out
and
really badly want to kayak or rock climb or camp this weekend.
Ziggy is going to be gone.. my only solid connection to fun..
i need to think of alternatives..
one day at a time..
things iwll fall into place..

And as sad as it is
and as much as i hate to admit it

I HATE That i cant be anorexic anymore

i hate it
i hate it
i cant even be..
it used to be so easy
weight used to fly away
and now

hate my mind
hate my mental process

i know whats right
i know whats wrong
i know mirrors lie
i know my eyes lie
i know different mirrors make me look different
different clothes
different pictures
clothes fit different
and sometimes i can feel light and happy as a feather and within a matter of hours can feel heavy as a dump truck
up and down
down and up
easily crushed
easily excited

i love him so much
i do i do
and yet
when i get off the phone i am left with such a deep sadness
is it because i know betteR?
is it because i miss him?
is it because ...?
and its such a hard thing to think about
because i do love him and i want to be with him soo much and i cant seem to enjoy life fully without him... whenever i am out.. with other people or not.. i am constantly reminded of him..
yet
i also know
honestly
that i am not always happy when i am with him
even though i feel "whole" with him
i also feel the "hole" with him

and the mental is getting worse
food is getting harder to accept
chocoalte and coffee for the most part is what i have lived off of when i was at the Head STart Conference in Raleigh Wednesday-Friday.
those Southern conservatives have such a critical eye.. mean glare.. unaccepting
yet others ..
one guy that worked at a booth came up to me .. remembered me from over a year ago at some concert in Asheville i went to where they closed off the streets for some guy to come play live for free.. and this guy remembered me from OVER A YEAR AGO!
and the night of the banquet.. for Head Start.. over 800 people.. fancy schmancy.. felt so out of place.. escaped early and went along with some other people for a ride to the liqueor store.. finally found one that was open.. passed the bottle.. went back to the banquet with others-once the kareoke and dancing started and i lit up on the dance floor
all that coming home and crankin the music and movin paid off
even the black ladies were cheerin me on!!! i loveddddd it.. i felt so pretty.. so light.. so wonderful

and yet
today
no less than 2 days later
i cant stand looking in the mirror