My personalDNA Report
My personalDNA Report

I do wish something would happen to me
anything
I want a bad thing to happen
so I can have a legitimate reason to be so sad

I want to go away
far away
start over
be someone

I want to teach
I want people to believe in me.. give me a chance..
I want to make a difference

I want to like myself
I want to find my happy
I want to find my smile

I am tired of getting my hopes up with all these job interviews only to get my heart and hopes broken when the call never comes.. or does come int he form of a rejection

I want to ask for help... but who do i ask? What do i need? How CAN they help? What IS wrong?

I want to teach in China.. or Thailand.. or Africa.. or New Orleans Zoo..

I want JP to come to me..
I want our lives to come together again
I want MY life together again

I want to eat and not feel like a fatass
I want to look in the mirror and not see excess.. plumpness.

I just want to be okay with life again.

I've learnt that...

you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts.
you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.
no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
there are people who love you dearly, but just don't know how to show it.
true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
no matter how good a friend someone is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.
no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.
the people you care most about in life are taken from you to soon.
although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.
love is not for me to keep, but to pass on to the next person I see.
even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I still have a lot to learn......

Lists that make me happy..

Places I have been
Places I want to go
Best days of my life
Best thing that happened this past year
Songs for the soundtrack of your life
REasons why i love him
Everything I would do if money were no problem
Things i am procrastinating
How to calm myself down when angry
Qualities i admire in others
What i would do if I could be invisible
Who would i invite to my dinner party (alive or dead)

the days seem oh so long
I don't know what to do
Everything seems so wrong
I don't like feeling this blue

The voices in my head keep yelling
They cannot seem to agree
The tears in my eyes keep on welling
Is this how its always going to be?

I feel so empty-so very very hollow
I see this food in front of me
but it all seems to much to swallow

"its not about the food", they say
But they don't know how hard it is
to get through each and every day
I try not to let it show

I hate being left out
of all they fun they share
It seems to me without a doubt
that they don't even care

Its strange how the people
that you hold most dear
are also the very ones
that entice the greatest fear

They may not even know
how harsh their words can be
I take them with a mighty blow
I take them personally

Their words never leave my mind
they are there constantly
it makes it oh so hard to find
and be the real me

I look down in front of me
and see my pudgy tummy
it is all i ever see
and makes me feel so crummy

I know I should be at peace
with my body and my spirit
it seems like such a sweet release
so why do i fear it?

I love me and the person that i am
and i want to be accepted
But every time I am me-I feel in a jam
I get too scared that "me" will be rejected

Peeking through the jagged hole
my cheeck against the prickly wood
My ragged breathing slowly calming
With the scent of you so near
I hope that you can't see me

Out beyond the knobby wood
I squint my eyes to see
I hear so clear your enchanting voice
My heart is pounding so
I wish that you knew me

I poke my finger through the hole
to expand my narrow view
I utter a shriek as I prick my finger
as a drop of blood appears
I hope that you didn't hear me

I am caught off-guard by the blood,
surprised by its warmth
a single teardrop slips down my face
my world is now a blur
You don't even care