I allowed myself to buy clothes
and was happy with the results..
Today was a satisfying day.. i suppose..
I got to play with my camera :)

ITS COUCHSURFING!!

so weird..
how i can be so at peace with things one minute.. look in the mirror without turning away..
and then suddenly a little voice.. a little reminder..
"Captain Jack never called you.. he promised.. twice.. he doesn't really want to hang out with you.. you denied him on Sunday.. why would he continue trying?"
"Natty never called tonight. She was just trying to be nice, as she is to all of the customers."
I tried not to get my hopes up
both times
And people wonder why i have trust issues.
True, Captain Jack did come up to me quite a few times Sunday asking me to come out with him and some friends on his boat for his birthday..
I was quite noncommittal.. I admit it.. "I dont know/..." and then rushing off to do something else
I didn't mean to shoot him down
I just get scared.. nervous.. there will be a lot of people there.. i dont want to be shut out again.. i dont want to be left in the dark.. the only one no one talking to..
Did he really want me to come?
If so he would have called, right?
I put potential friends through "tests"and i dont mean it
and when they fail.. EVEN THOUGH THEY DONT KNOW ITS A TEST
i am devastated.

I do want to go test out my new camera tomorrow .
hitch hike down to Lime Kiln ot do some hiking.. some picture taking.. some exploring..
a whole day of no work
no JP
no plans
no friends

I just wish i would have been smart enough to ask for Natty or Captain Jack's phone number.. ask if i could have some company when i go out hiking..