Lists that make me happy..

Places I have been
Places I want to go
Best days of my life
Best thing that happened this past year
Songs for the soundtrack of your life
REasons why i love him
Everything I would do if money were no problem
Things i am procrastinating
How to calm myself down when angry
Qualities i admire in others
What i would do if I could be invisible
Who would i invite to my dinner party (alive or dead)

the days seem oh so long
I don't know what to do
Everything seems so wrong
I don't like feeling this blue

The voices in my head keep yelling
They cannot seem to agree
The tears in my eyes keep on welling
Is this how its always going to be?

I feel so empty-so very very hollow
I see this food in front of me
but it all seems to much to swallow

"its not about the food", they say
But they don't know how hard it is
to get through each and every day
I try not to let it show

I hate being left out
of all they fun they share
It seems to me without a doubt
that they don't even care

Its strange how the people
that you hold most dear
are also the very ones
that entice the greatest fear

They may not even know
how harsh their words can be
I take them with a mighty blow
I take them personally

Their words never leave my mind
they are there constantly
it makes it oh so hard to find
and be the real me

I look down in front of me
and see my pudgy tummy
it is all i ever see
and makes me feel so crummy

I know I should be at peace
with my body and my spirit
it seems like such a sweet release
so why do i fear it?

I love me and the person that i am
and i want to be accepted
But every time I am me-I feel in a jam
I get too scared that "me" will be rejected

Peeking through the jagged hole
my cheeck against the prickly wood
My ragged breathing slowly calming
With the scent of you so near
I hope that you can't see me

Out beyond the knobby wood
I squint my eyes to see
I hear so clear your enchanting voice
My heart is pounding so
I wish that you knew me

I poke my finger through the hole
to expand my narrow view
I utter a shriek as I prick my finger
as a drop of blood appears
I hope that you didn't hear me

I am caught off-guard by the blood,
surprised by its warmth
a single teardrop slips down my face
my world is now a blur
You don't even care

Simple Pleasures in Life...
Im trying to find them again.. and find the pleasures in them.. and not let my mind trail off to the negative..

1. Sleeping in on a rainy day..
snuggling under the warm covers while listening to the rain beating lightly against the window and roof.. LOVE that sound.. even better if you have a fireplace with a (REAL) fire roaring inside..

2. Making Brief Eye Contact With Someone On The Street
ESPECIALLY if it is someone of the opposite sex... there is that slight moment when your eyes catch and linger... and .. maybe.. just maybe... and then you both continue walking.. but you still know -for THAT MOMENT.. you were something to someone (or atleast you can think that)

3. Finding Money You Never Knew You Had
I found a $20 bill the other day when I was going through my room :) YAY! Why did I stuff that $20 with my art supplies? I do not remember... but i am SO GLAD that i did.

4. Hearing that RIGHT SONG at that RIGHT MOMENT
you know.. when you are on a thinking track and then that song comes on that epitomizes what you are thinking.. or goes right along with your memory track..

5. Hearing that song that brings you back
it literally FLOODS me with nostalgic memories of "that one time..." ... and causes me to text someone related to that memory.. which passes on the good feelings to them.. I tend to let songs hold a LOT of nostalgic power..

6. Pull Through Parking Spot
You know what those are.. when you see that parking spot immediately in front of you and are delighted to see that the other side is free too! SOOOOO you continue on through so you can drive forward OUT of the parking spot instead of having to back out.. :)

7. Realizing you Have More Time To Sleep
waking up.. sopoo tired. OMG! I must be late! I wonder what time it is!?!? Ohhhhhh its only 4:32.. I can go back to sleep! (yay!)

8. Making Others Smile
sel explanatory..

9. Warm Sunshine..
Feeling it envelop you in warmth as you step out of the shadows..

10. That feeling You Get When Your Idea Works
:)

more to come...

I have one class down... 2 more to go until I can get a full grasp on what school is going to be like..
Still no jobs.. no offers.. no potentials, though my resume is out there due to my aggressive passing out at places even though they say "APPLY ONLINE!" .. I HATE applying online.. not just the typing everything over and over again on the many different websites.. but because they cant see ME.. they dont know ME.. they see what I wrote yes,.. but I think that if you want to hire someone, wouldn't you want to SEE and TALK TO and MEET your potential employee before you hire them? Yes. I do.

10.

Wow...
what a month it has been!!
I am sooooo not in the right head space to be back at home.
After spending a month with JP...
whirlwind of things that happened..
We finally drove down to the Everglades and I got to go on 2 kayak trips with him.. 4 days each out in the Everglades.. kayaking.. camping out on the white sandy beaches.. seeing the eyeballs of the dolphins as they hopped about beside my kayak.. osprey nests.. fishing pelicans.. watching the sun get swallowed up by the Gulf of Mexico...
Sleeping in the tent.. wow.. hearing those noises outside the tent.. that whole dellima.. Do i climb out of my cozy, warm sleeping bag and risk getting mauled by whatever is out there? or do i lay in the warmth and comfort of my sleeping bag and hold even more tightly to JP, wondering what is out there.. .
Going to visit our friends over in West Palm Beach.. playing with their Xbox Kinect.. that game is soo fun!! You do not even need a remote!! It picks up your movements and whatnot without the need of a remote!! LOVE IT!! aND it records you doing the movements so you can watch yourself acting like a goober playing the games :)
I finally registered and got all ready for my classes.. just need to talk to my advisor and convince him that i can take on 5 classes.. since 4 of them are half semester.. so I would be taking one class that lasts ALL semester and then 2 each half semester..

i miss JP.. it wil be 4 months or 3 ( I have spring break the first week in april) until I get to see him again.. which is FOREVER when I do not have anything to look forward to until I see him..
for the next week I will be looking for a job... going to classes.. finding my books.. getting acquainted with Augusta State University and my classmates..

Well.
Here i am
Back at the beach
Feeling all the clothes on me.. and how they fit much closer to my body than they used to.
I cried about it
to him
and he said, "Well, DO something about it!"
I cried more
I HAVE been.. in terms of not eating.. sneaking in exercise moves here ant there..
but this morning
I said
I aM GOING TO DO IT
and i did it
i went for a run
well
walkrun..
I made sure not to walk more than a minute... and then ran/jogged for atleast 2 minutes.. or more.. and then walked a little.. over nad over..
AND I DID IT
I was so proud.
:)
Slowylly
one step forward two steps backwards..
Saturday night we had to take his grandpa to Fayetteville for osme holiday party.. LOTS of people.. LOTS of food.. me not knowing anyone except JP who was too far gone for me to interact with much anyway because his mind wa set on ONE THING.. getting some stuff..
so
yea
i ate a lot of chips (JUST the crumbs though.. ) and some of those white chocoalte homemade haystacks. a
and shrimp

but
starting today
with the run
im going to continue this.
Its not going to be perfect
its going to take time
But
I suuure do have a lot of that to spare...

MMmm
Yesterday was my last day... We went to the Big Italian church service.. then the lowering of the grave.. then back to the house..
Where my biggest love-hate relationship lasted all day...
Food.. Food.. Food.. A huge plate of fruit.. some cheeses and meats... pita bread.. and flat crispy cracker/bread.. and cookies.
I had no trouble eating that fruit.. I was hungry.....
so fruit fruit fruit plus lots of the flat cracker bread.. and 2.5 glasses of wine..
and I wanted so bad to be there with the adults.. to be part.. to be able to take part.. and space off at the same time..
but yeah.. I was foreced into the living room with Sofia for most of the time.. though we did have frequent visitors from relatives coming to say hello or play with Sofia for a brief minute or two until she got shy and hid under my dress...
Then came evening where it was just the family plus 2 other ladies..
with a tin full of peppermint bark
so i ate quite a bit of that too
but i feel so big today
so big.. and every mirror all day today and yesterday
WHY
WhY do i look in the mirror and only see my big arms.. my big this Fat that.. plump this..
why cant i see the good?