Stuck
is what I am
Stuck
in Buckley
basically, my schedule for today, next tuesday. wednesday and thursday is to get the kids up and ready for school.. walk them a block and a half to school.. and be there to walk them back home and hang around until their mother gets home (or dad.. whoever is first)
Which is fine and good and all
I adore the kids.
Its the down time
its the between time
its from 9am-3pm.
its the what do I do while the kids do homework and the parents do their own thing.
its the what do i do all day all alone with no car?

I walked an hour or more down the road and wandered aimlessly around WalMart and Fred Meyer... wasted from 9am-1pm..
and the emptiness
the being away from him.. from everything..
coming back to the house, unsatisfied with myself, my situation... feeling like I could do more (but what?)
and then stuffing my face with apple jacks from the cupboard.

and then getting angry at myself
and then vacuuming.. sweeping..
now i have nothing to do tomorrow...
the place is vacuumed, swept, dishes done, laundry done

I made dinner tonight.. Mac and Cheese.. and all three of the kids rejected it and either opted for the Easy Mac or a bowl of cereal..

And I dont mind walking walking walking all day..
i ust fear that the forecast predicts rain for the ENTIRE NEXT WEEK.
i guess that is what umbrellas are for.

Ok
so
heres the deal
I am leaving tomorrow for Buckley, WA to help out my aunt with her kids until November 6th. I fear that there will be a LOT of downtime.. and I am not good at that...
Then November 6th I am headed to San Jose to help out my uncle with HIS kid. I am hoping to be there long enough to pick up a job...
Starting in January I am (hopefully) starting the MAT (Master's of Arts in Teaching) here in Augusta at Augusta State University. It all happened so fast... I talked with the lady next door who is a teacher in that program.. I got interested.. Excited at being able to get a Master's degree in a year and a half to 2 years.. but terrified at being in one place.. especially with my parents..
JP is at home.. at his place.. going out of his mind with boredom.. trying to apply to anything and everything but there really is nothing in Sunset Beach, NC.
In fact, he called me tonight saying he was trying to sell his kayak.. his most treasured item.. in order to "get the h** out of here to someplace where there is something for me"
Of course, I freaked out a bit..
the reason why .. well A BIG part of the reason why I applied to this MAT program is because it is close to him.. But if he goes off somewhere.. Im stuck here in Augusta all alone.
It sucks that my parents moved here after I graduated so I know NO ONe.. I will meet people in school..
but it will be the same as when I was away from him in Hendersonville.. there will still be that emptiness in me.. that part that he usually fills..
And I am terrified
of school.. of the commitment.. the work.. the responsibility.. and then of becoming a licensed teacher.. thats a lot of responsibility as well.. so many rules.. so much preparation..
But I know I can do it
I am just terrified
I hate how everything is so up in the air. How I am going to be leaving at a time that JP is so frustrated with life.. how I cannot be there for him.. how we cannot be together.. how I fear that empty feeling inside of me that is bound to grow,..
But I must go to sleep now because the plane tomorrow is too early for me to be awake too late..

So.
This dude I have been babysitting for... the first couple days i worked for him he had no money to pay me.. the day i didnt work for him he finally got some money.. Today i worked for him again and at first he didnt have any money, but he was selling something to a friend and gave me the money instead, still he shorted me 10 but offered to let me use his food stamps card for some food.
I declined.
Later on, I asked him if he needed me tomorrow... and if he did, would he be able to pay me,.. Because I cannot work for nothing and I told him that.
He then freaked out on me.. sending me a text message 5 or so pages long about how my attitude pissed him off.. how he had been so nice to me. offering his food stamps card... paying me as he should..
And All i was doing was saying that I could not work for free... if he could not pay me I wasn;t going to do it because i cannot afford to work for free... I appreciate the help he had given me, even though it wasn't a lot of money.. and I appreciate the offer for the food stamps card, but i would feel bad using his food stamp card...
I was not trying to be rude..
I was just asking..
I felt bad
for his kids.. for him.. but he pretty much told me to F*** off and that he didn't want ot see me again and de-friended me on Facebook (ha!)
In my eyes, his reaction was a little childish.. overreacting.. but i still feel bad.. I didnt mean to make him upset...

$4/hour for the single dad
i am doing good for him
beause he can barely afford for him and his 2 daughters
but
at the same time
it is not helping me at all
because $4/hour for about 5-6 hours a day.. about 4-5 days a week
means i barely break even
but
I love his little girls.
I do
thats why i do it
I will miss them

So
Im still pissed off
I get way too worked up about food.. about my body.. about what I ate (or didnt eat)
when really
I am NOT big.
I may not be "small"
but
i m most certainly NOT big.
I KNOW that
I REALIZE that
but
I still let stupid things ruin my day.

Anyway
I am still stressed out about what to do with my life.
I am pretty sure I am staying here October 15 or 17 or something.. and then drive up to sunset Beach (JP;s parents)
It frustrates me and makes me sad that we have to leave before our months rent is up.,. but its gotta happen
and then I will stay a night or two with him
and hten drive over to Augusta.. fly out on the 20th.
While I am at home, I will decide whether or not I will pack for San Jose or to come back home after I am in Seattle.
I am going to babysit for my aunt (well.. her kids) for about a week or so .. walk her kids to school.. play with them on one of the days her kids have off school.. and a lot of free time during the dAy day...
and from there.. I am not sure what I am going to do..
I COULD go to San Jose to nanny for my uncle and his daughter for however long it needs to be until i can get on my feet again. From there I could stay for a LONG time.. or I could go down to Naples and meet with JP and find a job down there... or find a job in San Jose and stil nanny in between my job...
OR
I could chance it and go back to Hendersonville and see if WCCA Head Start will hire me again..
Granted.. I was not that happy when i was there last time, but at least this time i know what i am getting into.. wont have THAT high of expectations.. and know that i would rather live in Asheville than in Hendersonville..

why is life so complicated.
there are too many options.. too many opportunities out there.. how do i know whats right? i dont want to jump into something and then a week or two later realize i made a mistake..

why do i have to think so much
why cant i just take life as it comes
let it be

I keep swinging back and forth between being discouraged that i dont have a job... and no prospects..
to telling myself to enjoy what i have while i have it
I mean.. not many people are able to live in Florida.. on the beach!
but I cant keep it up if i dont have any money coming in
but then again i only got here Thursday.. started applying to places Thursday..
and Friday
and now it the weekend
so there is still hope i guess...
its just the more time stretches on, the more frustrated i get. until i remind myself of reality... its the weekend.. no one is going to hire or even look at their email on the weekend.. weekend is for play.. so ENJOY MYSELF..

I just want confirmation that we will have money coming in.. the promise ofsuch thing.. so that I can buy some actual food rather than live off ramen noodles and our dwindling coupons for free slurpees from 7-11

our time will come

HELLO!
HELLO!
HELLO!
HEre i am again!
In Florida.
Singer Island, actually! Just steps from the beach
I love it
i really do
its 700 per month.. its month to month lease.. which is good because neither of us have a job right now.. nor do we really have any prospects.
I set up an account on care.com to be a nanny.. in case nothing else works.
I would LOVE to be a nanny actually.
But also I would love to be a preschool teacher.. or work at the Zoo.. or the Children's Museum.. or a Wildlife Sanctuary type thing.
Time will tell
I was so excited about getting this place... it allows pets.
and I have been craving a kitty for sooo long (not to eat of course.. but to play with)
Pet therapy.
something to love and cuddle with and to spend money on because you need to feed it.. toys to play with it.. and all that other jazz.. which i am prepared for... once I get a job

I have done so much all my life for so many people. out of the goodness of my heart. trusting people. believing in people. telling myself that they REALLY ARE good people.. despite what other people say.. and i get manipulated.. stepped on.. etc.
Karma never seems to come back my way.

And so many people are offering me places.. opportunities..
my aunt in the Seattle area.. shes a cop now! :) She used to do so much for me when I was younger! I do wish that I could spend more time with her, because the last time i was at her place some complications ensued and I fear she got the wrong image of me.
and up in Hendersonville I still have Carina waiting.. I would sooooo love to move back.. be HER nanny... and still wish beyond wishes that i had the funds and the confidence in myself (and the economy) to buy the business from her...

but yes
here i am
in our little apartment
on the beach
pouring rain and windy as crazy outside.. but walking out on the balcony it still quite warm outside.. the rain and the wind is warming.
less than $100 in my bank account.. but at least we dont have to pay rent for the rest of the month.. and we have some ramen noodles and half a box of Capn Crunch.. and each other
and even if we dont find a job, at least we got to live on the beach in Florida!
We will just move home.. or I will go to Jody or Carina
but he DOES 100% have a job come December on the other side of Florida.. int he Everglades... so once mid November comes we might move over to the other side and share a house.. the two of us and his co-worker.. which will allow us to have a slight upgrade in quality and less pricey because it will be between 3 people (or 4 depending on if he has his girlfriend with him or not)
time will tell
i need to go do some painting (art therapy)
:)