and today
i decided
(after doing 2 videos and a 6.5 mile hike)
that i am going to eat
not deny
at least today its going okay
i made DELICOUS dinner
of mixed veggies stir fried with some chicken and curry paste.. mmm..
and stopped by the grocery store to get some groceries.. AND sour gummi worms.. yes i ate more than i would have liked, but hey....
its okay
its okay
its okay
one day at a time
one hour at a time
its going

I want to break out of my comfort zone
but when i am about to.. offered the opportunity.. to spend the night at somenes house (enjoy myself and drink so i cant drive home)/. i stop drinking..sober up quick and drive home.. or chicken out on going OUT and instead opt to play board games .. which is fun in itslef.. but i do know i would have fun going out
and
really badly want to kayak or rock climb or camp this weekend.
Ziggy is going to be gone.. my only solid connection to fun..
i need to think of alternatives..
one day at a time..
things iwll fall into place..

And as sad as it is
and as much as i hate to admit it

I HATE That i cant be anorexic anymore

i hate it
i hate it
i cant even be..
it used to be so easy
weight used to fly away
and now

hate my mind
hate my mental process

i know whats right
i know whats wrong
i know mirrors lie
i know my eyes lie
i know different mirrors make me look different
different clothes
different pictures
clothes fit different
and sometimes i can feel light and happy as a feather and within a matter of hours can feel heavy as a dump truck
up and down
down and up
easily crushed
easily excited

i love him so much
i do i do
and yet
when i get off the phone i am left with such a deep sadness
is it because i know betteR?
is it because i miss him?
is it because ...?
and its such a hard thing to think about
because i do love him and i want to be with him soo much and i cant seem to enjoy life fully without him... whenever i am out.. with other people or not.. i am constantly reminded of him..
yet
i also know
honestly
that i am not always happy when i am with him
even though i feel "whole" with him
i also feel the "hole" with him

and the mental is getting worse
food is getting harder to accept
chocoalte and coffee for the most part is what i have lived off of when i was at the Head STart Conference in Raleigh Wednesday-Friday.
those Southern conservatives have such a critical eye.. mean glare.. unaccepting
yet others ..
one guy that worked at a booth came up to me .. remembered me from over a year ago at some concert in Asheville i went to where they closed off the streets for some guy to come play live for free.. and this guy remembered me from OVER A YEAR AGO!
and the night of the banquet.. for Head Start.. over 800 people.. fancy schmancy.. felt so out of place.. escaped early and went along with some other people for a ride to the liqueor store.. finally found one that was open.. passed the bottle.. went back to the banquet with others-once the kareoke and dancing started and i lit up on the dance floor
all that coming home and crankin the music and movin paid off
even the black ladies were cheerin me on!!! i loveddddd it.. i felt so pretty.. so light.. so wonderful

and yet
today
no less than 2 days later
i cant stand looking in the mirror

:)
happy
Saturday night=happy .. met my new Ziggy. and good old Miguel.. and we ran the town.. bought a bottle and passed it around (though i pretended a lot) and went to an art show because Ziggy had a painting.. and roamed the bars not drinking but playing.. where we light a napkin on fire from the candle.. i got a glow in the dark bracelet from some fun people i met.. then to Ingles grocery near midnight romping through making a racket and back to Ziggys with some peoples to make cheesecake and pizza and I never slept! my mind was too busy

sunday=throbbing brain and need for sleep

monday- no school.. (??-it was a pretty.. sunny day!!) soo i went to asheville.. visited friends in EarthFare.. and went to a couchsurfing brithday dinner and met more new friends!

things are looking up... with work.. with freinds.. with potential for things to do and people to play with after work and on weekends..
reassurance that i am fun.. or can be.. i dont know.. but i love it
and i am happy.
:)

MY BABIES!!
or rather..
los niños pequeños

they make me so proud. Everyday there is an improvement. Focusing on the small accomplishments..
SHD ONLY CRIED FOR 5 MINUTES AFtER HER FAMILY LEFT!
YAY!
..
WE TOOK HIS BLANKET AWAY AND HE ISNT CRYING FOR IT TODAY!
yAY!
SHE IS STILL PLAYING AND IM ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ROOM!! SHE's NOT MY SHADOW ANMORE!!
.
SHE LAUGHED!
..
SHE put half the blocks awaY!!
she only left one piece of the puzzle out! !
HEr parents remembered diapers!


and they ALL.. all 8 of them learn to wash their hands before every meal.. and remind us lest we forget (sometimes we pretend to see what they will do, and they immediatly step up to the stool and put their hands over the sink and use the universal hand washing motion-they cant reach the sink so they do need our help_
AND they all sit there.. all 8 of them.. at breakfast, lunch and snack at the table, whether they are eating or talking or staring.. they know now that they need to wait until everyone is finished and then one by one brush their teeth and wash tehir hands..
they dont try to get up... they are PATIENT!!
which amazes me for 2 year olds..
and a couple of them give random hug attacks. running at you from across the room and jump into your arms whether you are ready for them or not.
and for the couple that cry every time they come in, and cling to their mother... each day they cry a little less.. and smile and laugh a little more.. i
and i can see their PERSONALITIES develop!
we have a dumper...
he goes to every container and DUMPS the entire thing all over the floor.. slowly.. so you can hear each individual piece hit the floor... and then moves onto the next one..
and we have quite a few who don't like sharing.. toys or their space or their teachers...
and the most beautiful smiles
and one girl who talks on and on and on in spanish and we have no idea what she is saying... we can catch a word here or there..
but we imagine that what it must be like for our parents. (6 of the 8 speak only spanish.. 1 speaks both.. but mostly spanish.. and one is completely english)
one father has 2 tear drop tattoos underneath his eye (i hope the rumors aren't true in terms of what it means..

AND I SO BADLY WANT TO SHARE THE PICTURES BECAUSE YOU CANNOT HELP BUT SMILE WHEN YOU SEE THESE CHILDREN!!
(except when they are acting BAD)

but its a whirlwind day full of tears (though less and less in the morning and more so just before lunchtime).. wiping snotty noses.. singing songs while the children stare as though we are crazy.. and i put on my favorite dancing cd with "twist and shout" and some song they sing about "HOT HOT HOT" by someone and all kinds that make me dance and move and i end up picking up each of the kids individually for an individual dancing "lesson" and try to teach them to shake their bum..but they aren't at that level yet.

and i look at the pictures
and the kids make me happy.
they need me.. they are attatched and comfortable.. *(though someone could EASILY replace me..)
but
i cant leave them
can i?


OH AND LAST NIGHT I WENT OUT!! YAY!!
the freind i had made plans with 4 or 5 times and either weather or his work or something else got in the way..
i finally got to go out! !
we went to eat at some bar thingie (the food was not too good..but I HAD A BEER!! I want to experience life.. and that includes EVERYTHING.. including beer.. even if i couldn't help but make a nasty face every time i took a sip)
and i bought us dessert at the chocolate bar
and we talked and talked
and i loved it
and i LOVED it

and its snowing now
so even though i made plans for sAturday to go to asheville.. we shall see how it pans out..

it was so hard to come back to hendersonville.
it didnt help that every other song that came on the radio (when I was able to GET radio reception) was somber.. sad..
so i rolled in sunday around 5:30..
after a wonderful weekend away from it all
with my parents
baked a batch of cookies (which my dad and i ate with gusto)
2 loaves of bread (both gone now due to my dad and i)
shared a lovely bottle of wine at a lovely Olive Garden restaurant where my mom had entirely too much wine (and so did my dad.. in fact he kept trying to fil up MY glass of wine just to keep my mom from having more..)
kayaking
old home videos that made me smile.. bringing backa ll the happy memories of life as a child.. of Kyle.. of Grandpa and Grandma.. everyone..
going through my grandma's paintings (TONS TONS of them) --i got a naked man sketch.. hes quite good looking too ;)
warmth. wii.. walking along the Savannah River.. frozen peanut M&Ms.. Cinnamon Toast Crunch.. free laundry.. need i go on?

BUT i did buy a plane ticket to go down to see JP.. the 19th-22nd.
its what is keeping me going

AND i got a text today from a friend in Asheville who asked me to go out with him Thursday night.. but then again this is the same dude i made plans with 3 different times and every time something happened (he had to go to work last minute,.. snow storm...)
but i cant help but get excited

and i want to go out soo bad.. let loose.. get a drink.. meet people.. feel like im worthy of hanging out with

work is going going going.. we had 7 kids today.. lots of snotty noses and wiping food all over the table, chairs, shirts, pants, chins, eyelashes... a couple that cried unconsolably for mommy.. one girl that is a tad too attached to me whereas if i leave her side she starts bawling and wherever i sit down, she immediately climbs onto my lap.. its wonderful to have someone look up to me so much though.. but i am trying to wean her off me at the same time..
love the baby hugs i get (even if they come with slobber or tears..)

Hello!
LONG TIME!
I went home because its been too long.. what with last weekend being my brothers 2 year death and my grandpa died last week and with the snow storm i was stuck in hendersonville and not able to visit my friend in asheville.
so i wandered the streets., drank coffee and tried to think of things to look up at the coffee shop... waiting for someone friendly to come in so i could chat with them. but no

THOUGH
i did have two 44 year old men buy me drinks/dinner..
one on last Friday (i sat at the bar at an Irish Pub where i was applying to work and this friendly guy started chatting me up beside me. we talked for a good 2 and a half hours.. about love.. about growing up.. about relationships.. very insightful.. i enjoy asking people how they knew they were in Love)
------AND he introduced me to a new drink.. he offered to buy me a drink.. i said SURE! but.. since YOU are buying the drink, i want YOU to choose what I get.. My life is in your hands.."
and he ordered me one called "Chocolate Cake"
and it tasted JUST like a chocolate cake.. (Absolute Citron and Fragelico Hazelnut Liquer.. wiiith a sugar coated rim and lemon wedge

---MONDAY night i was walking out of a bar that i had applied to just as some guy did and we got to talking as we walked down the street together and he asked if i would stop in for a drink with him and that i looked like a needed a good decent meal (..ED bells ring ring ring! "yay.. someone notices the hard work ive been doing".. battled with "LIAR!.. i dont look a thing different than before..)
he bought me a chicken Caesar wrap .. and i ate the WHOLE thing.. PLUS the fries.. AND then an slice of apple pie.. my body was starving.. so was i.. emotionally, physically.. we talked we talked.. he told me about me.. he was like this therapist/fortune teller.. I cannt even BEGIN to tell you the world of things he said to me that WERE TRUE without me telling .. creepy.. but satisfying..
it was mostly nice to have someone INTERESTED in ME.. wanting to know about me.. taking interest in me.. taking care of me.. PAYING for me..
it was a shock.. it was a surprise.. it was pleasant..

and still i go home do the same thing over and over again.. exercise video.. or coffe shop and then video.. and then safe comfort soup and then sleep/movie..
and the weather has been making it so that the kids dont come to school which means that i dont go to to work so i have dayssss of nothingggg to do with noo onee

i got fed up
tired of it all
went home
and im glad im here