insatiable..
is what i feel whenever i am home
because there is so much food
that i am "not alloweD"
so much for a new start...

yesterday was great though.. walked around.. met some people.. chatted with Nicole down in the studio.. met HER new freind.. went to babysit.. set up Skype to talk/see JP.. fell asleep.. on the road at 7:45 to come home..
and
ate
a salad..
but it didnt cut it
so
came
the
cinnoman toast crunch
only 2 big bowls.. not CRAZY.. but considering what ive been eating lately..
oops..

oh well..
i am going to NOT "make up for it" today by restricting..
i am going to ENJOY my time with my family
once they get home from buying a new dryer
ive been here 2 hours.. its 1.. they arent back.. but i still feel like poking around and munching.. even tho i am full..
DISTRACTION

.... ok.. collect books for my new job.. PLENTY of early childhood/play/craft/fun books..
bake them some cinnoman rolls so they can enjoy themm fresh from the oven when they get home..
phone a friend.. (ha)
hmmm..

cant go kayaking today due to the outrageous downpour.. perhaps it will lighten up later..

Fun with Photo Booth

:)
babysitting tonight..
home tomorrow
I do miss my parents.. They have been such a big help.. talking.. supporting.. putting up with my tears of despair-giving me alternative views and happy thoughts and defeat and cheering me on when i got my hopes up ... no matter what the support is there.. even if it isnt INSTANT.. and if a phone call went in the wrong direction at any point, i would get a phone call from my dad in a matter of hours.. apologizing or assuring me in some way that he was with me in anything i did even if he didnt necessarily approve (or Mom)
trying not to think/worry about the future.. and what will happen come June/May when JP comes back and the school year is over..
about next fall when school starts up again..
about how long its going to be until i see him again..


I need something to be passionate about.
i need action
i need communication
i need movement
i need something to live for
I used to be so good at going with the flow.. being happy
I need to find that place again.
and focusing on "getting smaller" is NOT the way to go.
but then again.. i cant depend on others for my happiness.


weather has been better lately.. its not QUITE as hard to get out of bed.. and when i get back from work the first thing i crave is NOT my bed..

In fact, yesterday i got out of work.. it was sunny.. I drove STRAIGHT to the Carl Sandburg house and power housed it to the top of the hill in 32 minutes .. up to the house.. around the house.. up the high trail.. up the mountain.. alternated between jogging and carefully walking DOWN the hill (snow/ice made it a little difficult to keep up the jogging) and then once i got to the bottom it was an all out sprint to the house.. down to the lake.. around the lake.. back to the car where i sat for a good five minutes realizing how GOOD it felt.
how i NEVER thought i could do that


I cannot depend on other people to make me happy
I cannot keep on wrapping my mind up in this stupid world of fat/skinny/protein/need to go go go/exercise/shrink/get "better"
I can be "better" by shifting my MENTAL STATE.. NOT my body.
because i know.. i have been there.. i will never be satisfied.. i will never be "enough"..

PATIENCE and LIVING IN THE MOMENT are also things i am going to need to work on.
LIVE IN THE MOMENT
ACCEPT THE NOW
DONT ANTICIPATE/WORRY
LAUGH
PATIENCE
if a baby is sleeping in your arms.. CHERISH that moment.. DO NOT agonize about how "lazy" you are for just sitting.. take the time to calm.. think..

JP keeps reminding me that happiness comes and goes.. it is not necessarily a constant. you can be happy for some of the day and be sad for some.. just ACCEPT the emotion you are feeling.. happy will come again.. I toss his words aside and soak in the sadness
but im coming out (or trying to at least)

Just reading an article from Psychology Today... restating what I have been stating all along..
"The Religion of Thinness teaches us to relieve our current distress by focusing on the fantasy of a "better" body. Those who become trapped in this illusion come to depend on the temporary relief it provides by diverting our attention away from our everyday problems and pains towards a picture of ourselves physically perfected."
SO TRUE
need to replace that illusion of the "better body" with something meaningful..
which leads to questions i have yet to figure out the answer to..

1. WHAT is the meaning to my life?
(??)

2. WHAT do i hope to accomplish in my life?
(my initial reaction: to be happy.. to spread happy.. to live care-free.. to be able to be spontaneous and inspire others to do the same)

3. HOW do i want people to remember me when i die?
(CERTIANLY NOT as someone who is void of life except when it comes to food/eating.. I need to live in the moment when i am with the kids.. not wait for the next opportunity for food/convince myself that i am not hungry/ignore the hunger)

4. What kinds of ideas, activities, relationships nourish me mentally,,, or physically?
(not so sure anymore.. initial answer: SHARING GOOD, NORMAL food with people ((but then again why do i have to SHARE? why cant i have it al?)) being with JP... hiking.. talking to people. .CONNECTING with people.. sleeping..

5. If i died unexpectedly tomorrow/tonight.. what would i regret?
(NOT LIVING ANYMORE.. being stuck in this mindset..)

6. DO i make decisions based on FEAR or on what will help me progress to what i REALLY want in/from life?
(at the moment.. moreso fear than the other.. but ITS GONNA CHANGE!!!)

7. Am I willing to abandon my comfort zone?
(..scary..)

I need a coach.. a motivator.. someone to keep me on track.. i need advice.. stories. inspiration..
.?...?...?..

im just lost

More of the same ol same ol'
this past weekend.. bliss.. with some tears..
I got to drive down to the beach to visit JP on his weekend back.. he was going to stay til Thursday (tomorrrow) but he got the call saturday that he had to work monday.. which ment i had to call up expedia.. get a refund on the ticket i JUST purchased.. and get a new reservation for him to fly out Sunday..
on Monday he found out his trip was cancelled.. so he easily COULD HAVE stayed..
:(
but we did a lot of laying around together.. watching tv.. staying warm.. reconnecting..
and he introduced me to Jaegermeister.. YUM! i never knew such goodness..
though i havent had anymore since i got back sunday..
just going to work.. training with the babies and toddlers.. they have a new room opening up next door.. so they have been opening boxes with new toys.. setting up the new room.. getting me excited for MY new room.. which STILL i have heard no word on when i get to start putting together MY room-and the kids come on the 25th..
going to work.. getting back.. busying myself.. popping in a kickboxing or pilates video.. or walking down to the grocery store to stare at all the things i wont allow myself to buy in fear i will eat it all at once..
cold cold cold..
but soon to warm up i suppose..
things have been going steadily as they have..
Friday i DO plan to go OUT to the pub across the street for a drink.. to get out.. to try to meet some people.. or at least SOMEONE..
who knows if that will actually happen or not.
i still dream of the day i will get to fly down to JP.. to the warmth.. to the Everglades..
we talk we talk we talk
of plans for the future.. of going to Maine for the summer for him to kayak or back to the San Juans.. i am easy going.. i like visiting/living/experiencing new places as long as i have SOMEONE i know. (JP)
but DO plan on going back to HEad Start in the fall.. MAYBE Hendersonville? depending on how the next few months go and if i make friends.. or maybe someowhere else.
but i dont think i can take another season away from him.
i wish i had exciting news..
i guess i did get recertified in CPR and First Aid..
and I have a job
and people that love me (even though its so hard for me to accept since i have no one HERE with me physically)

OH!!
I do get to babysit on Saturday for Carina!!! :)
I do hope to reconnect with her.. its so weird to not see/talk to her anymore..
i dont WANt to stray away.
i DO need her... i just am so hesitant to call and ask to come over.. i dont want to intrude.. and i have my routine.. my safe/comfort routine..

despite all the exercise videos and eating right i still feel no difference.. though JP claimed i was smaller.. i cant tell..
smiles from strangers do make my day though
and when the little ones at work come and hug me
i always make a point.. whne they wake up from nap i hold them in my arms while they become used to being awake.
i feel more comfortable there now.. taking control more.. getting to know the kids more.. what they like.. what calms them.. what upsets them..
makes me want my kids all the more.. to get started..
soon enough..

..
and its failing..

Today is a new day.
soon to be a new year i suppose.
and here i am
still alone
but atleast i am OUT
well.. its only across the street at a coffee shop...
but still .

I am at this point where I sway back and forth quite rapidly.. extremely..

1. I am big.. I need to exercise.. get rid of it all.. thats how i can pass the time.. focus on something that will gain me results.. just stay in my own little safe wold.. where I am out and about.. working or walking until around 5:30 or 6.. come home.. pop in a dance video and attempt to follow them in my clumsiness (falling behind/down too many times to count) or some sort of work out video for a good 40-60 minutes.. then heat up the ramen noodles.. dump out most of all the noodles.. eat/drink the broth.. read until 7:30 or 8.. crawl under the covers.. watch a movie.. fall asleep
over and over.. no threat to my eating.. no threat of being rejected or unwanted or fat or sloozy or whatnot

2. WHAT aM i thinking? you only live once? GO OUT to the bar tonight.. its new years.. at least order a drink if you are too scared to order a real meal.. see what happens.. at least you can say you didnt stay in all night.. At least you attempted.. not that just sitting there is going to get you anywhere.. suck it up.. chat with people.. it has never not worked before.. I AM GOOD AT MEETING PEOPLE.. just not CATCHING them.. just not following through.. if they seem friendly-INVITE them somewhere for further chat.,, stop wearing those same old warm safe clothes.. put on those new jeans.. that new shirt.. rock their world.. you know you can.. you have a job starting next week- Training for 3 weeks and starting the 25th you will have your own classroom of 8 kids.. they trust you. they respect you.. they believe in you.. you are going to do home visits.. advocate for those children.. etc.

now my finds are tight.. i am used to having that $5,000 CD account to fall back on.. but it isnt there anymore.. so if i run out its NOTHING. after i pay rent come next week i am down to $1,000... but THEN AGAIN.. I will be making 9.50 an hour for training (3 weeks.. 8 hours a day.. 5 days a week) and then the 25th i will be making 10.25 an hour when i become the officail teacher and my kids come to me.

its all rather overwhelming.. the trust.. the everything.. since i am the first one they picked.. and i met my boss today and we had good laughs. .i get to help at least SET UP the classroom since she has already bought hte supplies. I want a bubble machine.
there are so many licensing regulations. .rules.. restrictions.. procedures..
but i am keeping optimistic..
went to the library and checked out many books.

now im sitting here in the coffee shop.. lounging on the comfy couch.. hoping someone interesting will come through for me to pull next to me to chat..
i dont want to do nothing anymore.. ESPECIALLY on New Years Eve

I was going to babysit for this family that i gave my number to from the YMCA. 2 days ago they were still considering.. yesterday i never got to talk to them because when they came to drop off their sons AND when they picked them up I was busy reading stories to a gaggle of children and wasn't able to free myself in time to ask.

but i want life to happen again.
REAL bad
i just dont know where to find it.
i used to be so good with people

And I am so scared of being away from JP for so long.. last time i was gone from someone i loved (Kevin) things fell apart.. i need to be near.. i need to feel.. to touch. to hug.. to be assured.. to have fun with..
I was going to buy him a plane ticket to come up and visit next week. but he seems hesitant.. due to $$.. i cant really spare the $300 to fly him back here.. I suppose i can.. but do i want to?
I have helped him out soo much financially in the past.. cant he make an effort to spend a little money to make me happy? if he has to hesitate.. to think.. to pause.. then its not worth it. . . i guess. . .

and i wonder when i walk by the hairdresser.. if when they see some slop walk by (me.. probably) do they cringe and think of all the different things they could do with that person.. or all of the things that are wrong with that person?

and now some little kid sat next to me and started chatting..

here we goo..

maybe he has a daddy...

soo coold
and alone
and lonely
and same as always
but getting worse
I dont know how i can make it to JAnuary 4th to start the new job.. let alone the 4 months without him

BUT
last night..
after breaking down and crying in the depths of despair for a good 45 minutes.. I popped in some Pilates video.. and started MOOOVING
and felt better.. and then fell asleep
and then woke up.. did it again. . and now im still doing okay for now. cleaned the apartment as much as i could considering how small it is.. saving my grapefruit for a little later.. finishing up my mug of cocoa.. its 12:30 almost and SUPPOSEDLY have a friend on the way from Tuscaloosa.. I got a text from him last night saying he was making the trek today.. after canceling last week..
so
im a little nervous since i dont know him too well..
but happy that someone is willing to hang out with me for a bit :)

I have been calling/texting JPs sister, Amanda and their family a lot the past couple days.. feeling that deep sense of lonliness.. wishing i were there.. they care.. they hug.. they may not DO a whole lot.. but its PEOPLE. .its HUGS. .its "family".. (i did live with them for a good part of this past year..

Everythings closed today.. rains a fallin. .no where to go.. just wait for him to arrive i suppose and pop out the Scrabble :)

JP called briefly last night.. his service is bad so i didnt get to talk much.. but hes out with 5 New Yorkians that are Jewish in the middle of the Everglades and apparently they are quite rude and getting on his nerves.. poor thing.. alone out there on Christmas eve.. more alone than me i suppose since he is with people that dont appreciate him..
i dont know
i want him to come back
anyway
the heater isnt working too well either.. so i find myslef huddled against the heater as much as i can.. pressing the CONNECT button to the internet.. since the connections sketchy.. slow and always kicks me off..
so when i dont have access ot the internet.. thats my connection to the world.. to potential warmth from others.. from researching..
OH!
97% chance i will get to be an actual TEACHER of an Early Head STart classroom (2 year olds) come January.. since she thinks i am sweet, gentle and portray a lovingness that little ones would be drawn to whereas if i were in the 4 year old classroom the kids would be a lot harder to handle
thats fine with me
i would love to have my own kids :)
even if htey are 2 years old